Husband passed what do i do now

[>Momma<]

Well I am about to loose my mind. My husband passed away july 12, 2009. we have two wonderful boys 5 and 2 yrs. old. well the 2 year old is ok just a little whiney (more than normal) Our 5 yr old is another story. His daddy was the one who kept the boys on the stright and narrow. As for me i never really had to disapline the boys because daddy always did it not that he had too but the 5 yr old never really took me serious. Maybe because when i did attempt to punish him his dad would come in and take over when he started to get out of control. We had wonderful behaved children until they realized that daddy wasn't coming home now everyday is even more of a nightmare. Our 5 yr old has soo much anger and agression towards me and other children. He has always had anger and agression but from fear of punishment from my husband he rarely acted on it. Now he tells me that he hates me, that he wants a new momma, and that he's going away from here. He even told me today that he wanted me to go "up there"! he implied that he wanted me to die. I just don't know what to do. a counselor would be a greatest idea i think. But it goes futher than that i have to get control of my children. They are also breaking house rules that they know by heart such as no jumping on furniture, it's a task and a half to get them to clean their room and to do other basic everyday chores. writing this letter makes this problem seem so small to me now because i kinda know what i have to do. My everyay life is alot harder than this thread makes it out to be. Adjusting to life without my husband is hard enough now having to learn how to raise my children is the next step.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey Momma, I am so sorry for your loss...that's aweful...

I think that your 5 year old is missing his Daddy and is angry, very angry at the world and he will be very distructive and hurtful to you, grab him each time and hold him tight and just say Daddy loves you, it's okay to be sad....

Maybe then say and Mommy needs you, do you think you can help me?

Even if he bucks and screams the more you do it, maybe the more he will realise that you need him now.

Again, I am so sorry for this, for you.

CW

[WildChild]

You are all going through a tough time. Counseling would be a very good idea, you need someone to talk to and some guidance with setting boundries and limits. The kids need aome healthy outlets for their emotions - especially your 5 yr old. Right now your loss is so recent, it really has yet to sink in. Give yourselves time to grieve and to heal. Your children have to understand certain rules apply no matter what happens in life.

Take care of yourself.

[LetAGrlShowU]

I'm very sorry for your loss, and everything may seem very overwhelming right now, BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH A STRONGER, BETTER WOMAN. Honestly, their lack of respect sounds a little like a lack of involvement. Your husband and yourself should have been disciplining together so that the children respected you both. Now..it is going to be hard to control them as it was never your "place" in their eyes. Just do the best you can. Try different things ( for a length of time to see what works) IE: Time out - 3-5 min each time they get out of line, even if its 6 times that day. If that doesnt work, take away something of value, television, video games, sweets. They will cry and scream and get voulgar. When you take their prized ______ away, re-direct their attention- go outside, do arts and crafts, play power rangers?? Try each of those disciplines individually to see which will help your situation. When/if that doesnt work talk to him like an adult. Someone mentioned above letting them know their needed during this hard time. Some kids rise to the challenge, some do not. Anything is worth trying if it works. If not, you'll know it doesnt for next time.

[Kakie]

sorry that this won't be an overly helpful post, i just wanted to say that things will get easier. your children will start to deal with it and their aggression will subside eventually. my dad died unexpectedly and left my mum with myself, a younger and an older brother and my younger brother reacted in similar ways. he lashed out at everyone/everything, got in with the 'wrong' crowd, seemed to be trying to destroy everything in his life. he was older than your son is now but it was a similar reaction. even i was a bit angry, angry at life for taking our dad, angry at my mum (for no reason whatsoever!), angry at everything, only i expressed it in different ways.. but it does get easier.. my brothers sorted himself out now and rarely gets angry.. i think sticking with things is best, doing as someone else suggested and telling them that their dad loved them, but that you now need their help. bonding with them in that way. etc.
anyways, sorry, that was a long pointless unhelpful ramble, i just wanted to wish you luck and reassure you that these are the worst times, things will get better

[Sandra_does]

You know where you came from, momma, but not sure of where you are going and, mostly so, what lies ahead with the children...

I am so sorry for your loss, momma, but do fear things will become worsened yet if you try to discipline the children drastically or with a sound of anger in your voice...

What I don't understand is what is wrong with you that prevented you from disciplining a five year old. I's sorry, but I just don't buy your explanation at all. A five year old should not have that much aggression in his heart to the extent he has no respect for his own mother and wishes she was dead... That would be expected of a boy in his teen years. The one thing you can be sure of, momma, is that the more pressure you apply to your children then the more they will rebel and learn to hate you and the world around them. They will be attracted to anyone having compassion for their laments and drift even further away from you. The oldest boy is going to influence the youngest, remember that...

Yes, they do need counciling and you do also. I would first suggest talking to an older police officer whom would care enough to speak to the oldest boy and perhaps there is a Big Brother organization available. The boys need rehab in a better enviorment right now, momma, as well as counciling with you included...

I will add that your obligation is only for your children now, momma, so don't even think to bring a new man into your life or the children will think you are trying to replace their father...

I am sorry if you may not like this posting, momma, but I mean no malice at all. It's just a wake-up call to reality . I have two children and often wonder what would happen if my hubby passed over...

Please do your best, momma, and do not argue with those two as it will only make matters worse. Just be firm as was your husband and you need not explain reasoning unless they ask...

Good luck, and don't give up on yourself doing so...

Sandra_does...

[GlitterAndStuds]

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart broke for you while reading that. I'm not a mother, nor am I married, so I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now.

Again, I'm not a mom, so I'm not sure how helpful I can be or if I even know what I'm talking about, but here are my thoughts. It sounds like your 5 year old is having a hard time figuring out what to do and how to cope with this, so he's acting out. At that age, it's very hard to understand something so big, and as it's been stated before, he's probably very angry that his dad got taken away. Whether he understands it or not, that seems to be a definite.

As for your 2 year old, that's still a very young age to get what's going on. He may be aware that his dad isn't coming home, but I doubt a 2 year old will understand the concept of death. If he's acting out as well, it's probably because he sees his brother getting away with it and thinking it's okay for him to act out as well.

Counceling is definitely the best option here. I'd say for each of you seperately AND family group sessions as well. I'm sure your boys might need to vent things that they don't feel they can say to you, while the group ones could help you all communicate and work together. Its definitely a huge adjustment and I'm sure he's just confused on figuring out a way to do that.

Again, I'm not sure how much help this was. Good luck to you, and I hope you are all able to heal and move forward with this.

[rdk2008]

I have been in your children's shoes kinda. My father passed away when I was 8 years old. But both of my parents disciplined us when we got out of line. Although there is nothing you can do to go back and change that, you CAN move forward. I don't wanna say you have put the fear of God in your children but again you have to . By that I mean not to be mean to them or abuse them but you have to let them know you are the boss now and what you say goes. Sure they aren't gonna like it and sure it's going to hurt you worst that it hurts them but I promise you in the long run, you will appreciate your well behaved children. Also I think therapy (whether through a professional) or just an outlet for anger would be good for both of your children, both an outlet and therapy would be good. I know from experience that my brother was kept in line stricter from my father than my mother and when my father passed away my brother went wild (sort of speaking) and my mother has always quoted I knew I should have gotten your brother help. At the same tilme showing your children that they will behave you have to let them know that you love them and you need them and that their father loved them. You have to hug and kiss those babies each and every day and tell them you love them each and everyday. You have to let them know you cannot get through this without them.

Most important you have to keep it today for your children. yes, it's okay to cry infront of them but you cannot let them see you break and fall apart. YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP and know that everything happens for a reason. GOOD LUCK! I will be praying for you if that is okay with you!