Married 13 years with baby and husband left me

[ellen123]

ok....where do i start....My husband and I have been married over 13 years and lived together for 15. Last Febuary I got pregnant (which we were trying for our first), and I guess I was a . I was hormonal, in terrible pain all the time (had nerve damage down legs and would fall), emotional, and just constant pain. During this time, he kind of checked out on me. Went out almost every night, sometimes until 4am. During this time, (I can remember in August last year), he told me he did love me....right before the baby was born, he said I was his main priority that everything to go right in the delivery. I should importantly mention, that during the pregnancy, our bills were adding up. I told him I could not pay the bills, and it was too emotionally difficult to deal with them. I did not pay them, neither did he, so they sat and went into the collection now. We had the baby late november and during the time to adjust to a new baby was difficult and fun for both of us. We enjoyed being new parents (and still both do). My hormones simmered down and around may I finally felt like my old self permantely.

Then on June 6th, he told me he didnt love me anymore. I was devistated. On the 9th, he told me something was there, on the 11th nothing was there, on the 14th, something was there, 16th nothing there, then on the 19th told me he wanted to move out and live with his mom and me live with mine so we could pay the bills., He didnt go and on the 24th we went to therapy (which he didnt care to go again), then on the 26th he woke me up and told me that he loved me and things were not going to change, he was sorry, and he knew his feelings for me were love....then July 3rd said he didnt love me anymore, then on the 11th we got in a fight and he said that was it, it was over and he was walking out the door that moment and filing for divorce on Monday.

I knew my husband had been on facebook all the time (hours and hours early morning and late nights), I hacked into his account and read his facebook email. There were 50-100 emails back and forth daily to one woman. She lives pretty far, he had told me they were friends. Conversations about me and him and her. No I love you's , but deep feelings of caring for one another. Reading the emails, you can see that she would say to him that she would no longer talk to him, too much going on in his life (blah blah blah)....so then he would run to email her saying not to go. They would get in fights and she would not talk to him, and he would run to apologize. I found out that last week he called her to apologize to her again because she wouldnt talk to him. Funny, he wrote in his emails that he never apologizes to anyone, not even his wife (which is true, fights with family or me, he has never been one to say it first), but I have never threatened to leave him when we fight, Im sure if I did that nice trick he would have (but im not into playing those kind of games)......

So, 2 days later, he came back said he would try again, back on the 13th....well, on the 23rd he said he was moving out on the 26th which he did. He took pretty much all his stuff and said he needed time to see if he was happy, because he is not happy anymore. He has no plans to want to go to counceling or hang out and give it a shot. I see him every other day , he comes over to babysit when I am at work during the day. We dont say much. Since he has left, he goes out everynight. Not sure if he is happy or not.

My heart is ripped out, dont know what to do.

[WildChild]

He doesn't know what he wants and is playing with you. There are some troubling things here with both of you. Not paying the bills when you were expecting a baby (or any time) What Were You Thinking? That is a total abdication of responsibility on both your parts. It sounds like you were subconciously trying to put responsbility on him and he bailed - totally. Did he really want a family? Or was that honestly mostly you?

Go to counseling whether he goes or not. They can help you figure out what you want and how to get there. You need someone not in the picture to talk to.

He may not realise it but unless you are abused or in some really awful situation, happiness depends entirely on your attitude. Where ever he goes, he takes himself. If he can't get his head together you Have to keep yours, you have a child dependent on you. I know this may seem like the end of the world right now but it will get better, given time. Focus on yourself and your little one.

[Ahryin]

Sweety you need to pray and pray hard. It amazes me how you have the dates down pact....did you ever just tell him to leave? You have given him total control ...control over your finances, he bailed, control over your relationship he bailed, control over your heart he bailed. You must be a very strong woman to have dealt with such and indecisive man. At the same time this is not something that just materialized out of thin air...over the years you have been with him signs have had to be there that your love was not stable. At least he isn't bailing on the baby but if I was you I would prepare for that just in case. I agree with WildChild you need counseling...for one did you comfront him about the emails? Question...when you did this was that when he decided to finally leave? Are you questioning him when this happens? In other words are you asking him to talk etc then he states he wants to leave blah blah blah It just seems very complicated and I do not envy your situation. Personally I feel its time to get angry! Angry enough to succeed at being a better woman and a great mother. Allow your emotions to motivate you! Yes it hurts but it shouldn't be hard .... when you needed him in every aspect he bailed! You are married! He is apologizing to a woman he has never meant when he should be apolgizing to YOU! To your child! He is playing the game becuase you are allowing him to! I have to go for now but i have a heep of comments that I will post later

[Chantalemma]

I agree! It is all a game he is playing! He wants you when he wants and the lifestyle too. I don't think he was ready to settle down. Was this happening before the baby? Or maybe he is freaking out because of the baby> There is a lot to try and understand. Did he want the baby too? Was this just your idea or it just happened? If you can give more details....Good luck!

[ellen123]

He did love me before, would say it all the time and I could feel it. He also did want a family. We were always undecided,(we thought we couldnt have children) but once we decided, were having some trouble and he was going to go to a fertitily clinic if we couldnt, but it never came to it. He said I was holding him back when i was pregnant. I was so sick when I was pregnant and couldnt move most of the time (was recommened getting a walker by the doctor). so much pain you couldnt imagine. So he would go out almost every night and i had wished he would stay home but he would want to go and hang out with his friends (recent friends that he became friends with 2 months prior).

This is not like him at all. When we try to discuss bills or anything, he gets so angry. He does not forgive me for not paying them. They are less than the price of a cheap car. But still, I couldnt deal with the pressure of them (just our credit cards).

We always talked everything out in the past, and forgave one another. But this has gone on so long, he wont forgive me for not paying them. Other issues like me being a witch when pregnant (very hormonal), are on top of that.

I did tell him i read the emails, really had nothing to say about it. Had told me before they were friends, but really friends with a emotional bond of something not right.

I still cant belive he moved out. So difficult. he said it is a "lets wait and see" how he feels, but really? Im not sure what that even means. He wants to see if he can be happy since he is not happy at home.

[ellen123]

he tells me he's not walking out on "us", he's walking out on me. He says he will take the baby if im not up to it. HA! It's not the same thing...I am giving him every opportunity to work on it and go to councelling and to see his son every day for the rest of his life....if he was to take the baby, it would be me walking out on my son, and I would never do it. I love my baby more than anything.

We had sex every day for 10 days 2 months in a row to get pregnant, it worked, so he was trying just as hard as myself.

[Chantalemma]

You mean to tell me... He wants to see if he can swim the water with somebdoy else with no ties and if he doesn't like it he will come back. YEah! I think he is very unresponsible and needs to wake up and act his age. He is not 14 yrs old anymore. He does havea baby to take care of and a wife or gf. The worse is that his ggf must take care of him too. For the bills. I have to say both of you are responsible for paying them. Not you and not him. But bOth!

[Ahryin]

I came back ready to unleash the gates of advice but it doesn't seem to me as if you are ready to call it quits, it seems like you want him back and are ready to wait. Reality needs to hit you and hit you very quickly woman...you are worth more! You went through a gut wrenching pregnancy and a real man would not have had to be asked to handle the bills! A real man , well a real man that loved you any way would not have went out every night with newly acquired friends or argued with you which made you feel worse even though you did NOTHING wrong....a real man would be by your side right now vs sowing his oats which is all he really wants to do and since he knows you are home waiting on him, wishing he would return, putting your life on hold for him what do you think you are ALLOWING him to do. He has taken control of the situation, of you and of your life and you are fine with it when me personally would be furious! Now I'm not saying this to put you down just open your eyes to what you really deserve and want in life. You obviously have a pillar of strength burried inside of you...you just need to let the inner lioness out! You have a cub to protect raise and nurture. Do you want to raise a weak man? Or do you want your son to look at you and know how to treat care and love a woman! What you except from his father today will dictate how he treats other women. I know you love your son, so be strong for your son, want more for yourself and for him! I may dish out tough love but I've been through it which is what allows me to put myself in your shoes. If you need someone to talk to I'm here....just payin it forward

[ellen123]

ok, i am back....he came over to pick up the baby over the weekend and his phone started to ring....but not the one on his hip, the one in his back pocket. He went out and purchased a trak phone. I talked to his sister and she told me the family wasnt even given any number. So who the heck does he need to talk to that he doesnt want me to know about? GRRRRR....Said he is not cheating, but im not sure anymore. I've not gotten mad. 15 years of living with someone, trusting them, having a baby with them, and he leaves me to be a single mom and not be there. I trusted him with everything, always loved and belived in him. I just want to yell at him, but I say nothing. I shouldnt be the one bending over backwards I know, and I am so pissed at him. I doubt he will ever come back, but what if he wants to? I know it is in the best interest of my baby to try to work it out. My husband does love the baby so much. I just dont know.....it may never even be a possibility.....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, if your words were vicious back when you were pregnant and on-going, coupled with nagging, pressure of bills, that's 9 months and over that time, he went out and didn't come home till 4am and in which case, more arguements, more angry words etc, etc, 9 months.

So, it appears that he found solice in another person via emails and found himself changing and saying things he wasn't used to saying, never said before, that confused him I think.

The I do, I don't, I do, I don't is constant confusion.

You writing a diary?

He may feel the grass is greener, but at this stage it's more that this rift hasn't been healed.

If you were to try to smile instead and act like there is nothing that your upset about smile and say thanks, best i get going to work have a good day, etc, you'll do the same back, confuse the shirt out of him.

Make him think and remember before those times.

But it has to be on-going and it can't be an act, you basically, really have to let it all go and yourself only see the times before.

You also need to tell him that he's right, the debt is something that you should help clear instead of having a bad credit rating you were hormonal but now your going to start clearing it, but you need him to assist as well, ask him what he can contribute ( without arguing) per week, smile and say great well that's a start and walk away.

It will take time to sink in but if it works then it works.

If not, all of the pressure has got to him and he has run away which is sad really.. but reality.

CW