Adopted parent might be lying...want to seek biological mom

[yellowpiXi3]

So, recently I have been talking to my bf and therapist and they both know I'm adopted. They suggested that I get in contact with my biological mom... Here's the kicker...


If I ask my adopted parents about her they speak negatively about her about 80-90% of the time. And if I ask my aunt... She will blab to them and they will find out. I have an incling that they haven't been telling me the whole truth about my biological mom. So far I haven't heard anything good about my biological mom. It's always been bad.. and I don't know why ANYONE would do that. Telling your adopted kid that their real parents are horrible.... WHO DOES THAT?!

So my question is that how should I contact her if I can't even rely on people that I can rely on to give me proper information. I know I can just look her up online... but she's in a different country...

[WildChild]

They may be scared of losing you to some degree. They have invested a lot of love and caring and time into you as they watched you grow up and learn. The idea of someone who didn't want to make that commitment now coming into your life, the possiblity that a bond between you may develop, may really disturb them.

It may really be possible that there are some serious issues with your birth mother. You may feel a need to do this but be careful and reassure the parents that raised you that it won't wound your relationship with them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ask your Therapist where to start outside of your family.

I do agree with Wildchild though.

I am going to say to you go in with "no" expectations take all the thoughts of what you have been told out of your mind, together with your own thoughts of "but what if"... You need to have absolutely no expectations so you don't get hurt either way.

But, I suspect it is something you need to do, because it's the un-known so you have no closure.

Good luck sweet.

CW

[yellowpiXi3]

Yeah.. I think I will have to ask my therapist about it....

But just to let you guys know I think they HAD to take me. Not because they WANTED me. They have always ostricized me from their other kids. From my perspective they only did enough to keep me alive. I could count the number of times my parents said "i love you" to me in one hand...in my entire life. My parents don't know when my bday is nor do they know how old I am. I tell them a different age all the time. And they believed me.

I know there's two sides to every story... but I don't have PTSD and Major Depression from "loving" parents. I have tried killing myself multiple times...because of it.

My bf asked me yesterday if I wanted my parents to be my parents... I answered no... with no guilt what-so-ever... Does that say something?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, they are only our parents until we are mature enough to make our own lives and then it becomes "our" life to do what we wish with.

Your life is important Yellowpix, we "can't" choose our parents but we can choose the way we want to live our life.

If you feel that they "had" too... My first thought that came to mind was that your Mum may be a relative...

No couple adopt a "stranger" because they have to..... but they would adopt a relative to help out because they "had" to... and therefore, there could be resentment there which is NOT YOUR FAULT....

Put all your energy of love to where it deserves to go, to your friends, your pets, your boyfriend and more importantly TO YOURSELF....

CW

[SinisterUrge]

Contact the adoption agency or law firm your adopted parents used when adopting you. If your adoptive parents are unwilling to give you this information you can get the info from the court system when you're 18 (basically hire a lawyer to subpeona your adoptive parents).

If it is a closed or overseas adoption your only recourse may be to hire a private investigator.

Its also entirely possible you were abducted as a child and your adopted parents are severely disturbed criminals. (UNLIKELY but possible). How else could you not know about your child's age?

As for your biological parents:
*The father is unlikely to know you exist, if the biological mother even knows who the father is (you'd be surprised)
*Your mother was most likely a junkie of some sort (they are responsible for 95% of "drop off babies" at hospitals), or otherwise unable to support you (Since welfare is a career in many states its most likely to be drugs or mental illness).
*The fact that you suffer from depression with suicidal tendencies is likely hereditary. Your biological parents have quite possibly been deceased for some time now.

This may all seem rather depressing, but you have a depressing situation.

[WildChild]

Oh dear, no matter what we start with or are born with, our biggest deciding factor in our lives is in the choices we make.
You can chose to walk away and create the life you want or you can chose to wonder and over analyse and dwell in the pain and doubt. It is easier to wallow than move on ( I know I do it)
Think about why you want to know and decide will it really move you forward?

[Hopeless Dork]

I think if its something that is haunting you and you are focusing on it , it might be good for you to attempt to make contact. Be prepared for the fact she may not want to have contact with you, make sure your heart can handle that news before you go seeking.

I agree that parents shouldn't berate the birth mother to the point where it makes you feel bad, because that is afterall..your blood. They love you, while they are thankful to her for you they are probably mad at her for the way that she may have treated you... etc.

They may have a fear of you being hurt by her and that is why they've painted a picture they hope would cause you not to seek her out.

I think your curiousity is natural and if you don't think you can go on without trying, then try. Do not let it consume your life... this hunt to find her though.

[Joy]

Ya know there is a lil girl in my friends care cause her real mom is a junkie. She has had many opprotunity and much support to get clean she loves the pills more than she loves her own life or her lil girls.

the real mom put her in the hospital at nine months old cause she was high on pills and one whole side of her lil face was black and blue. My friend keeps the real mom at a distance cause she will only ever drift in and out of this childs life. It 's been 4 years.

The real mom was never charged will never be cause the system sucks sometimes. She denies ever doing it but I would imagine its easier to lie than admit what she did to her child.

One day this lil girl will go looking for her mom if her mom lives that long ... right now she is a prostitute cause of her pill habit.

Have you looked at the hostility that you have for your real mom abdoning you and taking this out on your adoptive parents? Miss placed anger?

Its not right they speak so badly but maybe they are trying to save you some heartache in your life. If this is what you need to heal and move forward in your life then find your real mom. She may or may not tell you the truth.

My friend... is going to get the real mom (if she lives long enough) to explain why she never was able to care for her lil one. She will have to face it one day. I'm sure we are going to face these same feelings you have in our lil angel and I hope we can give her the right guidance in life.

I hope you find healing and closure in your life.... don't let this hold you back in life.

[yellowpiXi3]

thank you all for the support. i realized today i don't really want plan on contacting her. i just have to let go of it and move on. i'm still young i can't keep wanting to have a "real" family that actually WANTS me. i guess maybe i just expected too much out of them. i still care for my adoptive parents but its sad to say that i dont really feel any type of attachment towards them.