Inlaws

[magamay]

So i have to get this off my chest and nothing i do or say to anyone seems to help.

My fiances father is great hes helpful and supportive of our relationship (hes glad that hes with someone that isnt horrible to him like his ex wife) but his mother...well shes a different story.

we've been together since last june. When we met his mom was in the hospital, shed slipped on a chew toy while visiting his brother in colorado and broken her leg, then was in a care facility (shes in her 60's), i met her while she was there and she seemed to like me. She came home after about 3 weeks or so, and for the first little while things were ok if a little loud (shes deaf and screams).

After a few months things went down hill though. Im a very tolerant person i started trying to learn sign language so i could talk to her, i made sure i dressed modestly around her, i was respectful, pretty much evrything i did to make my exs mother like me (who btw loved me) at first she did which is saying alot. Then i started noticing she berates her husband. not just nagging but screaming from the time he gets off work pretty much till he leaves again. she'll wake him up to yell at him for something that happened 20 years ago or yell at him pretty much in circles thats been resiolved recently, also she hits him with her hands, with cups, while hes driving. hes completely miserable and i feel so bad for him. not only that she does the same thing to my fiance, she tells him hes horrible and he needs to be more like his brother and when he trys to do something to help her she freaks out on him even more.

Shes been institutionalized before, and apparently it helped. a few months ago she even took a knife to her stomach. she took 5 pain killers (i think vicoden or something it might have been worse) and locked herself in her room the cops had to come break the door down. my fiance has had to call the cops on her twice because of her hitting herself and his dad.

Also shes started in on me. it started with when she saw the tatto on my back just a glimpse she walked over and ripped my shirt up to look at it, then yelled at me, that was a last year. i moved in with them a few months ago and since then iv tried helping around the house, but i get screamed at for letting the dogs in the house, for reading a book instead of talking to her and variouse other things.

From what iv been told this will only be the tip of the ice berg. My fiances ex wife was a brittle diabetic and therefore couldnt have kids, she actually told her she would rather her die trying to have a child than them adopt. i dont think i can deal with this behavior, but i dont want to cut him off from contact with her (even though hes happier when he has nothing to do with his mom).

oh and shes saying Im a horrible person for one getting pregnant before i was married and for 2 giving the baby up for adoption.

Im sorry i know this is more husband and or fiance but well its kind of to do with him, and i wrote alot, i just needed to vent and hopefully get some advice because i think shes starting to put strain on my relationship.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Shes been institutionalized before,

Life throws us obstacles.

We have to accept everyone for whom they are.

You seem to be worried about what she says about you, what you have done, tattoo, abortion, and you seem to be worried about what she is doing to her husband, her son.

She is not well. She is mentally ill. She will more than likely have dementia in the near future...

Where is your compassion?

In-other-words, accept her for who she is, it's not her fault, she doesn't really mean what she does, she has tried to commit suicide, and that is probably when she does realize what she has done.

She may be a tough old coot, but she needs people hence why everyone else ignores the way that she is and you need to do that too and realize that she is not well.

I really do appreciate the difficulties it causes you in your relationship but I am saying that you need to realize that it can't and shouldn't and instead try to befriend her and be there for her, for your fiancé and for your future father-in-law....

Your personality may not be as compassionate as mine and so I get that, I am not having a go at you either, I am trying to get you to realize that you need to see the real side of all of this.

She is ill.

It's hard for sure, drives you nuts, but your not dealing with someone who is deliberately lashing out being hateful, your dealing with a soul that has obviously been hurt by her husband in the earlier stages and can't cope with life, today's world, and has lost the plot.

There are two sides to every story and if she is hitting her husband and bringing things up from years ago that's the trauma and that's manifested into her going nuts and not coping.

That's what I see.

Try to have some compassion you might be amazed that if you be-friend her, and it will take time, that she may realize she has a reason to live after all, someone actually sees her for her, instead of what she can't help but project..

CW

[andromeda]

Magamay, she is ill and needs treatment. If her sons and husband don't see this, then maybe you should speak with your fiance and point this out in a very gentle and understanding way. She is carrying way too much baggage with her and is projecting towards everyone she loves.


Although it is VERY hard, don't take it personally. Maybe, for your sake, you need to put some distance between the two of you.

[WildChild]

You can have compassion and all that, but you also have to protect yourself and others from her. She needs professional help and sound like she should be in a care facility. You do not have to sacrifice your lives for her.

[magamay]

actually i was very accepting i tried befriending her and supporting her. for the first 9 months of my relationship i was telling my fiance he needs to be more compassionate and understanding, but it gets to a point were theres only so much compassion you can give. the story i put down isnt even half its just some of the bigger things, shes also addicted to pain killers and every time its brought up that she needs to be weened off she freaks out. we all understand that she needs help she is actually seeing a psychiatrist but everything that the psychiatrist says she either ignores or freaks out about. im actually a very compassionate person i generaly have no problem dealing with people, i worked with our classes in high school that were for the disabled and i was one of the few that didnt lose my patience with any of them. everyone has there problems wether there born with them, develope them, or there self inflicted.

it wasnt so much that she tried to commit suicide (she was using a butter knife and even admitted she wanted the attention), as that instead of having a reasonable conversation she starts everything with yelling at the person then getting violent. when its brought up that were going to get her the help she needs by having her institutionalized (one to get her meds balanced and 2 so she can deal with feelings) she evens out for a short time. its not that shes incapable of being rationale or anything she just doesnt like not getting her way.

there are other things still that i havnt said mainly because at the moment i cant remember them all, but trust me her husband her 2 sons and her other daughter in-law have all tried to get her the help she needs, most of it she just refuses.

but as my post is obviously not worded how i wanted please just disregard it

[Joy]

She does need help. She uses PainKillers to numb the pain from alife full of hurt that she never got past and never dealt with. She blames everyone else instead of looking how her reactions have intensified her problems in life.

I feel so sorry for your MIL she is obviously in a lot of pain and taking that pain out on everyone within reach of her. Very self destructive behavior on a grand scale to take down your whole family with you.

as for her opinion of everyone that is just it. If she wants to be hard on herself that is one thing but she can't hold everyone to her standards of acceptable. if you have a tatoo oh well its your body you must deal with it. If you had a baby and gave up for adoption that was a choice you have to live with no one can say you are horrible. Maybe you gave that baby a much better life for making such a choice.

I hope your new family or family to be can find healing. Until your MIL wants to get a handle on her problems this toxic atmosphere will exsist. She is lucky to have you all by her side.

what people do to you is their karma how you react is yours.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I guess all I can say is the obvious, it's not your Fiance's fault and if this is the guy you want to spend your life with, then you have to have some distance from her because you two deserve to be able to enjoy your life together.

CW