Abandonment

[artist1633]

I am experiencing heartache because of abandonment issues experienced by my girlfriend of 5 months. I am a male whose experiences with women are positive. The negative experiences have arisen because of social histories at the hand of fathers or males in general.
The male species angers me because of the issues women suffer, i.e. abuse, and neglect.
Currently my girlfriend loves me for the moment, when she prepares to leave, she detaches and refuses to kiss me on the lips. I asked for an explanation, she indicated that she did not wish to feel sad after leaving me, so she detaches.
Throughout the duration of relationship, she has expressed desire to leave me. The reasons are several: 1. I teach children and she does not want children, (she 44 years old). 2. I spoke to a friend about our relationship in a general way, and 3. She does not want a full-time relationship.
We worked through these issues and continued to have a compatible and fun relationship. 3-5 pass and she will not call me. She takes care of her mother full-time. She works evenings. The father left her at age 10, the mother was verbally abusive. From a very young age she has played alone to adulthood. 5 years ago she came out of her shell and began to experience life. I am proud of her. Now she needs her complete freedom and independence. On Fridays I cannot be with her because it is her day. I am good with that.
Last Sunday she wanted to breakup. We talked it over, again, reconciled, made wonderful love, she left on Tuesday. On Thursday, we went dancing and she was very cold and would not let me hold her. She removed my hand from her waist. She flinched when I wanted to hold her new necklace.
On Saturday I made plans for us then called her with excitement. She never uses text, but this day she did not call...she texted the following: "Sorry, I cannot except your invitation today. I appreciate the consideration. Have a good time." Now, I am totally confused.
From the beginning I agreed to have an unconventional relationship. I agreed to accept her as she is, without reservation. But to write me and not call is difficult to take. I hurt badly...my heart feels pain. It isn't fun.
Ladies, please accept my request for input. What do you suggest. It is Monday evening and she has not returned my call today. I did not call on Saturday or Sunday. But I did call today, Monday. I told her I would like to speak with her because I miss her and feel pain when I do not see her.
Thank you very much for your anticipated thoughts and advice.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

From the beginning I agreed to have an unconventional relationship

But then you fell deeply in love.

It's been 5 months..

You can't change the feelings that she has suppressed in all those 44 years, in 5 months maybe not even 5 years.

BUt you can go back to the beginning "un-conventional relationship" one that has no attachments, non-threatening and just fun and intimate and give it 12 months if you really feel for her, let her do this her way.

I suspect that by saying things to her such as " I miss you and I feel pain when I don't see you", puts too much pressure on her.

She cares for her Mother and works in addition, she has 1 day off Friday's which is hers, but shares other times with you, leave it at that for the time being...

Use reverse physcology.

I am not saying it will work either as I said, she has been this way obviously for 44 years.

I imagine also that her comments " because your a teacher and I don't want children" really means, "because you scare me with the words committment and your family orientated"...

Read between the lines ....

She wrote and didn't call because she has issues and it was the easiest way out, you can't find that difficult to take, as you said, you "agreed to accept her as she is".....

CW

[artist1633]

Thank you so much for your comments. She is drawing away now, not calling as often and canceling our Saturday dates. I wait for her calls which hardly come now. I am guessing she is exercising her one of her "way outs." By the way, she has never been married. I will start the relationship over, just as you suggested.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, she obviously believed in your initial words and enjoys your company but can't commit, she's I guess what you would call a loner, in alot of respects.

I know it's hard but try not to focus on what she is doing, focus on what you agreed you would be to her and let her call, don't talk about your pain etc, i gathered she had never been married, she may have wanted to years ago, she may also at 44 realise it's too late for kids, you may also therefore as a teacher remind her of that pain, it's obvious that your connection isn't as deep as you would like because you would be able to obstract alot of this from her, over time...

Understand something though artist1633, I'm guessing you are also maybe of a simular age, lonley wanting someone in your life, companionship, love, lust, togetherness, discussions, laughter.

YES?

This is alot of effort you are putting in...

Don't mistake your own needs and wants and desires for the reason why you need this relationship.. I am single, I understand.

Remember, that you are worth alot yourself and this has a lot of baggage to rid off if you can rid of any of it.

Go out as well, mingle as well, meet people as well...

You need to ensure that this lady is who you want. Not a want because of lonliness..

And, you need to realise that they are out there and someone else can give you all that you are asking from this lady.

But, I would go back to the beginning at this point to keep the relationship until you can work all of that through honestly to yourself.

CW

[Ahryin]

I haven't read what CW wrote but I know gives good advice. Truthfully I feel like she is seeing someone else. He has been around for a while, now he is demanding more from her or she made a choice. She likes you but doesnt know exactly how to let you know, she doesn't want to hurt you. She feels that you are getting closer to her and for what ever reason she doesn't want to be close to anyone right now.
You seem like a good catch and i'm sorry you are going through this. Please don't let this detur you

[artist1633]

This might explain her flinching when I reached to touch her necklace...moreover, when she removed my hand when I placed it on her waist...even stranger, moments later we danced romantically until 4 a.m. . No contact since then. As we danced I wondered what she was thinking as we held each other closely. Even now my heart is very heavy. Does she even think about the pain she puts me through?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ok, Ahryin makes sense as well...

Explain if you don't mind, what happened last time, you said she has done this before when she wanted to detach herself from you...

She certainly doesn't want to commit and she certainly may back off purely and only during these occasions when you show love.

Seems strange to me that she agreed to the dance, after making love and feeling okay about all that.

CW

[artist1633]

what happened last time: on the last visit, we had a light midnight snack (1:30 a.m.). I reached out to touch her necklace, she flinched. Put my hand on her waist, she lightly removed it. After eating we went to sofa, she read a magazine (she never did this before). Wouldn't hug intimately. But we danced slow and intimately until 4 a.m.
When I walked her to her car, she had warmed a little bit, she kissed me on my lips twice.
We haven't spoken since then. Saturday she text a decline of our usual Saturday time together, after which we spend the night together. I called Monday, left a voice message in the afternoon. She works until 12:30 a.m. then she calls almost every night after work, she didn't call last night. I am thinking I want closure. I am thinking about approaching her during the week at a place where she picnics alone at the free concerts.
She (we) go there tu. wed. and thursday. However, I don't want to freak her out. SHould I even attend one of these concerts without her permission to seek closure or to have her explain away her actions?

[WildChild]

This woman has some real issues and probably needs some professional help. She won't resolve any of this until she sees a need to and is willing to do what it takes to change. There are lots of nice ladies in the world, who would make good partners in life or for dating, why not let this one go and find one who actually wants to be in a relationship?

[artist1633]

A few months ago, she whispered, "I care for you." The words were barely audible. I didn't quite believe the words she spoke. I asked her to repeat them. It was so difficult for her to say them again. Yes, I agree with the last two responses. She may have cultivated another friendship, then decided to take up with him. My friend will find fault in him like she did in me, then move on. This will happen unless he plays his cards right and does not push her for more...like I did. Love scares her. Ladies, do I push for closure and seek her if she does not call? Or do I just forget her altogether. Or adjust my behavior even more if she is willing....all this is a difficult call.