Abandonment

[artist1633]

The impetus of this text conference was that "T" had been abandoned and possibly molested. She is afraid of love and pulls away when she gets close. 2 weekends ago, she took me to the circus, spent 4 days and nights with me. Left weekend I took her to a play we spent 3 nights together, she cleaned my apt. (Monday, 8/17). Became closer, now 3 days later, Thursday she calls and says goodbye. It is a difficult situation; with counseling she could be a diamond in the rough. But I am being battered over it. Both parents were obsessive compulsive, not only did the father abandon them when "T" was 10 or 11, he was a compulsive gambler losing everything they had. "T" has earned everything she ownes, including a home and paying for the care of her mom. Now with me in the horizon, she gets scared, runs, and fears for loss of freedom. Thinking she is doing good, she is simply going through a revolving door.
She said that to maintain her sanity, she compartmentalized 3 parts of her life: work, home, and social. Each is separate and apart from the other. When I come into the picture, it throws everything apart. Her world is in turmoil. She also said that when she is in a relationship, she gets into it "too" much. I can see this because sometimes she stays over with me when she should be working. Once it becomes overbearing she steps back out and blames me, then leaves. It wouldn't be so difficult if she communicated better. It is Monday night, the last time we spoke was Thursday afternoon, when she said "goodbye." After I left a message on Friday and Saturday, I am stopping any attempt for communication. She has my keyes to my place, she will call to return them. I hope then to get closure. I pray for the strength to not hurt so bad and to tell her goodbye. The talent she has for singing, teaching me Japanese, speaking Spanish fluently, and humor, is exceptional. But for her intelligence and quick wit, I would have left her long ago. Pray for me Ladies, I will need divine help with this relationship. Once again, thank you for the wonderful continued advice. I believe soon, I will write all of you a final letter on this issue of abandonment.

[tasha1133]

The impetus of this text conference was that "T" had been abandoned and possibly molested. She is afraid of love and pulls away when she gets close. 2 weekends ago, she took me to the circus, spent 4 days and nights with me. Left weekend I took her to a play we spent 3 nights together, she cleaned my apt. (Monday, 8/17). Became closer, now 3 days later, Thursday she calls and says goodbye. It is a difficult situation; with counseling she could be a diamond in the rough. But I am being battered over it. Both parents were obsessive compulsive, not only did the father abandon them when "T" was 10 or 11, he was a compulsive gambler losing everything they had. "T" has earned everything she ownes, including a home and paying for the care of her mom. Now with me in the horizon, she gets scared, runs, and fears for loss of freedom. Thinking she is doing good, she is simply going through a revolving door.
She said that to maintain her sanity, she compartmentalized 3 parts of her life: work, home, and social. Each is separate and apart from the other. When I come into the picture, it throws everything apart. Her world is in turmoil. She also said that when she is in a relationship, she gets into it "too" much. I can see this because sometimes she stays over with me when she should be working. Once it becomes overbearing she steps back out and blames me, then leaves. It wouldn't be so difficult if she communicated better. It is Monday night, the last time we spoke was Thursday afternoon, when she said "goodbye." After I left a message on Friday and Saturday, I am stopping any attempt for communication. She has my keyes to my place, she will call to return them. I hope then to get closure. I pray for the strength to not hurt so bad and to tell her goodbye. The talent she has for singing, teaching me Japanese, speaking Spanish fluently, and humor, is exceptional. But for her intelligence and quick wit, I would have left her long ago. Pray for me Ladies, I will need divine help with this relationship. Once again, thank you for the wonderful continued advice. I believe soon, I will write all of you a final letter on this issue of abandonment.

i think you have finally realized this yourself, you have done all you can; been patient, tried to understand, forgiven and accepted her back. But still there are multitudes of issues, all of which seem to be coming from her. It does sound like she has had a tough life, but it is still no excuse to push someone who has been good to you away. I hope for her sake she realizes what she is doing wrong and can change. And i hope for your sake you can move on and find someone who is good and can truly make you happy, reciprocating the kind of love you can give.

[artist1633]

Thanks Tasha, I will remember your advice when the time comes. I would expect closure soon, anything is possible.
I'll write something by the end of the week.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So she puts things into boxes and guards herself to the hilt, sometimes allowing herself out of one of those boxes, only to then go crawling back into one of them, probably work.

If you could find a box that had 4 lids on it, that she could put those 3 into and then yours as well, then she may be able to have that fourth one.

I can't see that she will allow a 4th box and I am again, so sorry for you over all of this.

I hope you find a calm in the closure in the knowing of who you are and what you have given.

When we give, we often get hurt for doing so... But, never stop being who you are.

CW

[happy ending]

i think you sound really sweet, you are willing to forgive someone who has given you pain and only look to the good things. i am sure you will find someone terrific who will love you the way you are.

[artist1633]

My friend once told me, follow your heart. That is what I am doing. When I am not with "T" I paint, read, play music. etc. I do not need her to validate my life. I only know that she deserves to presence and understanding of a good man.
Men in her life have abandoned her, either by her own doing or otherwise, but her initial man (the father) left her for good, then died 4 years ago. Men in general need more understanding with their woman, treat them like angels, and be consistent and not ever take advantage of them. I detest most men for treating women like property. This is what happened to "T." I will give up once it is a wall too high to climb. For now, my heart says stay the course and not give up on her. Prayer has given me patience and understanding. All will be good.

[tasha1133]

It is heartwarming to know that there are men like you out there.
I truly wish you all the best.
You deserve it. Good luck.

[artist1633]

Ok ladies, here it is...two things: last entry "T" hadn't called for 4 days. On the 5th day Tuesday, I had enough waiting and went to the park where we meet for free concerts and dance. She was there. I was nervous as I saw her in the distance, walking toward her I did not know what I would say. My heart was pounding. I shook her hand and asked if it would be ok to dance with her a few times. She said yes. I sat next to her. We danced mostly of the songs. After we walked to the car we spoke. Her intentions were never to call me. I asked why the absence, she indicated that I had kept her in the dark about my ex's intrusion last Sunday. I said she was right. We sat in my car for 2 hours talking. We drove to old San Diego and had dinner until 11:30 p.m. We walked the sidewalks holding hands. We drove to the beach, parked, and kissed until 2:30 a.m.
I drove her back to her car and we kissed more. Without clarity, I said that it would be nice to see her on Saturday. She did not respond. At 4 a.m. she called and saying she was home safe.
Wednesday we did not speak. She went to her lounge to sing and met with her "women" friends.
Thursday I left a message. It told her I was at the park, reserving a seat for both of us for the last concert of the season. I saw her in the parking lot walking, I approached. She said "why are you here?" "You are harassing me." I indicated that we had been doing this all summer, we always expected each other at the concerts.
She said she did not want to sit with me. Not to ask her to dance.
Well, I did sit with her because I couldn't move, I was in shock. I asked her about Tuesday? SHe didn't say anything. Well, short of it is that we broke up. Now she was curt and sharp with her words. I asked about her professed love, she kept quiet.
I am thinking she was hurting and trying to protect her pride. Said it was time. That we are two different people. I said that she was wrong. What we do naturally, kiss for hours and hours, laugh, hug, have long conversations, have incredible consideration for each other, and on and on and on... people pay professionals to learn what we do naturally. But now my exhaustion about this has reached a pinnacle.
WHen she drove off on Thursday, I actually felt a relief. I am sad that she will hurt again. She has missed out on a man who has the patience to show her what men can be like. She is running away from love. She was always looking for a way out, instead of finding the positive things that always existed in our union, she found ways to leave. It is too bad. She may be back. I doubt it. I hope she doesn't because I don't know if I could resist her.
One more thing, she had my apt. keys. As sharp as she is, she knew she had them in her purse. I forgot to ask for the keys and had returned for them. It was like she didn't want to give them to me. It was very symbolic. I am rationalizing for her and why I think she may return. But, let's hope for God's will to take hold without my intercession... Ladies, I am hurting because our union was perfect when we were together. It was when we parted that made things difficult. She listened to her lounge friends who go from one relationship to another. It is like her friends do not wish for her to succeed.
Anyway, I could go on...but when a heart is broken, rationale does not work. The analysis is faulty. So is my present text. Sorry ladies. But I'll write more tomorrow. I'd like to keep it up for 2-3 more weeks. Something interesting might come up for discussion. Caio.

[WildChild]

Change your locks, that's a 5 minute job that will cost you less than $30. Keep yourself busy, this woman had serious problems. You need to spend some time examining why you were so devoted to this wounded bird who had no desire to heal? I've done this too and think it relates to an two areas one is the desire to help heal others (but often at a heavy price) the other could be an insecurity or fear of a relationship that will really work. Why you hold that hear is what you have to uncover.

[artist1633]

I have a general question. This is related to the abandonment issue, however it is a bit more general about how I end up with a woman who has been abused. In college I had 2 girlfriends. One was sexually molested by her stepfather and ignored/disowned by the natural mother, the other girlfriend was raped as a 6th grader by the custodian.
I was married for 10 years then divorced. I began dating again, my next girlfriend was sexually molested by her grandfather. It didn't work out because she was Navy and had to leave the area. My next relationship lasted 5 years. "R" was a beautiful soul, but she had her demons too. She was molested sexually during her teen years by her stepfather. During our relationship she was seduced by her boss, that caused our breakup. It wasn't the issues of molestation that caused our breakup.
Now "T" came into the picture.
I had no idea about her background. A friend introduced us, we began dating, and now you know the rest of the story. I believe "T" was sexually molested though I don't know for a fact. She was abandoned by her father.
Now the question, why do I end up with these wonderful ladies who happen to have issues stemming bad men? Is it that 50% of women have been abused? Is it that I just happen to find them? What causes me to be with women like this. Believe me, I am just drawn to attractive women...however, why is it that all of them have issues? Of course, I am not blaming them. I have issues also. Without knowing their background I find myself with a woman who has been abused. Is this conclusion too general?
What is happening?