Brother's anger out of control:

[ThexMrs]

I've been living at my brother's house as a roommate for about two months now. At first things were fine, I wasn't home a lot. I would spend weekends at my uncle's house visiting my family. Now things are completely different. He says the meanest things he can think of. He's always angry (which is him) but it's taking a huge toll on my self esteem. He calls me a , a bitc*, tells me I have a shitt* job and that I don't make any money, tells me that he could care less if we have a relationship and that I can move out any time because he really doesn't want me here.

- That's not true. I made a mistake, a couple of them. His best friend and I had sex and then I had a one night stand when I got VERY trashed. That doesn't excuse my behavior but it's fact. I didn't even lose my virginity until I was almost 21. I'm still 21 right now. I haven't had a lot of sex or a lot of partners. Definitely WAY less than him.

Bitc* - I don't agree with that statement either. When he first started being very mean to me I just let it go. I wouldn't say anything and then one day we got into a hige blowout and I called him an a.hole. Since then he's worse to me.

My job - I work for a newspaper in the Advertising-Sales end. I only make commission which is really hard, I don't deny that but it's a good job.

Example of his anger and just not caring: Yesterday we had to move my desk into my office. We were pushing it through the door and I had a small box of makeup sitting there. Apparently it was in his way so he kicked it across the room spilling everything. I didn't say anything and neither did he. We put the desk where it was going and he walked out. I mean, WTF? A) He didn't ask me to move it when he could have and B) He can't bend over and just move it? I didn't even know it was in the way!

Now here is the thing... I don't want to try and excuse his behavior but our father did commit suicide 10 years ago. My family says that out of all the kids him and I are the only ones who never dealt with it. I think that's true. I think he's still very angry about it and he takes it out on whoever is in his path. Also, growing up we lived in a very vile enviroment. It was abusive physically, mentally and verbally. I never got hit by my father but my brother's did. So in a way I guess he's used to that sort of behavior and it's carried on with him.

It's not like he's just mean to me. He talks to our mother like she's a piece of shi* too. He occasionally says awful things to his girlfriend as well.

My other brother didn't turn out this way at all. He's very laid back, nice, wants to help you out and take care of you but he stays at a distance which honestly, the way my family is, I think is smart.

I believe that you are a product of your environment but I also believe that you can change. That is if you really want to. So, I don't know what to do. If I moved out and never talked to my brother again I wouldn't care. That's just how bad he's treated me and it's been before I even moved in. It's sad to say but I just can't take the abuse.

Maybe I'm venting... I would like help and answers though.

But just in case you suggest counseling... That will never happen. My brother will never go to counseling, anger management or any sort of class. You also can't tell him this either because the result would not be good.

Anything else, please feel free.

[ThexMrs]

I guess you can't use that word. It was wh..o..re.

[Ahryin]

I know how hard it is to deal with family members like that. My family is similar so I share your pain. However we are more violent the last man that called my sister a B*tch got his back slashed with a kitchen knife...my cousin actually hit my other cousin with his car! Like they were fighting in the street and he actually got into the car with the sheer purpose of running my cousin over!

First can I ask why you choose to move into this situation. You know how he is and you also state he is like with with your mother as well. How a man treats his mother is a very good indicator towards how he will treat women in general. Is it possible for you to get a second job..that way you will spend even less time there and save up for a better place like a studio apt or something. See I was going to answer this but I don't think I would give good advice....I would give him a taste of his own medicine...aka get epicap (I think thats how you spell it) and put it in his soda. It enduces vommitting and while he was spitting up I would tell him...you want to have a nasty mouth towards me I will give you a nasty mouth EVERY time you talk to me like that...keep playing better sleep with one eye open and a dead bolt on your door! Then again I grew up in the city around nothing but boys I went through that constantly...except I can FIGHT ( dn't know if you can) and I used to be able to run very fast I know this isn't really therapy for you but vent all you want.
Other thought get one of those dummies and a foam bat...every time he starts yelling at you look him dead in his eye and go over to your dummy start beating the daylights out of it...then look at him and drop the bat at his feet!!! Walk away saying Keep playing with me! (if anything maybe he will pick up the bat and start hitting the dummy it could possibly relieve some of that tension he is holding in)
Or...intervention...get your family together sit him down and force him to listen let him know you all love him and you all lost your dad. I lost my father but to Cancer it took me 5 years to even acknowledge his death. Tomorrow is the aniversary of his death and I'm still not over it.

[ThexMrs]

I'm not sure if that reply was supposed to make me laugh or not but it did. I apologize if you were being serious. I'm not the kind of person to get even or anything of that sort. I'm passive when it comes to most everything. I'm a push over I guess. I don't want to induce a battle. That's just not me. It's hard enough living in this situation without making it worse. I just try to stay out of his way. It does suck that I am uncomfortable in my own home. I hate to complain about it though.

Why did I move in? I had absolutely no where else to go. When I first moved in I wasn't working. I got a job a little over a month ago. I want to find another job definitely but where I live we have the highest unemployment rate in the whole country. It's really hard.

Yes, I've heard and experienced that the way a man treats his mother is how he treats his wife, girlfriend and women in general. I just don't know what to do. What can I do? Like I said, I'm not about getting even and what have you.

An intervention... My brother would NEVER go for that. I know it's a secret (love the show) but still... You've seen how some turn out. My brother isn't the only one that needs an intervention. My mother does as well.

I'm sorry about your father. The 29th of last month was the 10 year anniversary of my father. I'm still not over it. I wasn't even 12 when it happened. I don't know that I will ever get over. It's much to hard.

[Joy]

next time he acts like that just look at him say you are sorry and walk away. I would say walk over hug him say you are sorry but if he got pushy I wouldn't want you to get hurt. When he asks what u are sorry for tell him honestly. You are sorry life is unfair and he is angry about it all but you will always love him in spite of himself.

he sounds like a very angry person and bully really.

the nasty things he says to you is only his nasty angry opinion. I won't absorbe ppl's comments made in anger. If you want to tell me the same thing in a calm rational voice i'll listen but really spewing it out in anger is by no means a healing process.

I wish your family much healing and so sorry to hear about your dad. 12 is a rough time in life to wrap your head around suicide.

[ThexMrs]

That's awesome and I would love to do that but I can't. That's how low I feel, that's how gutless and weak I am. My biggest flaw is caring so much about my family that I would never want to do anything to make them feel bad about themselves and that means that if I feel worse, so be it.

He's not just said it in anger. One time we were eating dinner and he said it. HE even makes jokes about it and I don't think it's funny at all.

Thank you. I'll find a way to heal.

[WildChild]

My dear, I'm going to add to your reading list. In addition to The Heroine's Journey, you should read,The Highly Sensitive Person. Even if you weren't born an HSP it is likely your life experiences have given you many of the characturistics. It's important to understand them.

Your brother is getting away with some very negative behavior and it would be better if you weren't caught in it - but you know that already. I worry, I would like for you to be out of there and in your own place but I don't think moving in with some or any guy would be good for you right now. Even if you could rent a little efficiency apt it would be far better for you. Any ideas on improving your finances? The rental market is practically giving it away right now.

[Joy]

Well I did that to an x bf once, we'd been splitzo for about 6 months and he swong by my place for a look to see what was going on. We talked he left and on the way out the door I hugged him and told him I was sorry and he was puzzled and he left. I was sorry so many hands in life had abused him that he never knew what a gentle hand was.

People who don't process trauma in their life project it onto others. We all do it but there are people who are extreme at it.

Your brother sounds like he is doing this if he is being all nasty to anyone to close he can abuse.

Some people are hurt so deep they don't know anyother way to live but to hurt themselves and others.

[Ahryin]

TheXMrs....yea...ummmmm I was joking...yea...thats it...joking

(no not at all...not joking...thats what I would really do)

I know you love your brother but sometimes you have to stick up for yourself. Its seems like he is doing this because he knows you will not assert yourself. In my eyes you have two options (since you said hugging him wasn't going to work which I agree he does need) Either move out...or STep up! You would be surprise what kind of strength you have within yourself!

[WildChild]

Well we've got a couple points here. Linds you say that others feel you and your brother are the two who haven't really dealt with your dad's suicide. I would think the abuse before would be part of that too. Your brother lashes out and lives in anger. You have cut and engaged in self destructive behavior. You can't do much about your brother other than encourage him, when appropriate, to get help. But you MUST do all you can for yourself. You are a lovely person and worth all the effort you can put into yourself to heal and learn new ways of living. Perhaps if you turn it around for yourself, you will find ways to reach your brother too.

When you start school there should be counseling facilities available to students. Since you have a career interest in this area too, you have a double reason to use those services. If you can move past your father's abuse (and the sucide was an abuse too) past your mother's failure to protect her children or herself, I think you will find that you have a great capacity for joy in your life. You will be able to draw on a huge well of empathy and understanding to help others professionally. Don't get off track. And read those books! I'm pretty empathic and I have a strong feeling you will benefit from them.