No clue what's wrong

[pmcm]

OK I need to vent and ask advice. I am a mom of two children, ages 4 and 2. They are wonderful kids... mostly well behaved, but obviously at ages 4 and 2 we still dont "listen" 100% of the time; and we wine, and fight and argue etc. I am married to my husband for six years, together for 8 years. I've known my husband for 20 years.

I don't what is wrong with me. I am constantly on the verge of tears, I find myself yelling at my kids when they misbehave, although I would be better off controlling myself and speaking to them in a calm manner. At times I feel detached.... Even to the point where although I am physically in a room , I am not always mentally there.

Before having kids, my husband and I had agreed that I would stay home and take care of our children myself. After my son was around 6 mos of age, my old boss called and asked if I could work 2 days a week, since our budget was tight I agreed, I worked 2 days a week for a little over a year and then stopped shortly before my daughter was born. I love being home with my kids. I love to teach them stuff, to play with them, we had a routine that we followed, with outside time, inside time, time for me to get housework done, time at the healthclub, etc. Then the company my husband worked for was taken over, the new company gave him more responsibility and made him take a 25% pay cut.... We tried tightening our belts, but after about 8 months, we realized it was a choice of either my going back to work part time, or having to sell our house and take a loss on it.

So I called my old boss and got my old job back. I don't mind going to work, I don't mind working.... I mind the time away from my kids.... So three days a week, I leave home at approximately 6:45 a.m. and do not get back until 6:30p.m. Additionally, I usually spend three to four hours a week working from home too, usually on a weekend day. Because we cannot afford daycare, and because we are "lucky", family has agreed to watch my children. But they are shuffled between their Paternal Grandmother; their Maternal Grandparents; and their Aunt. Each day involves them being picked up/dropped off at someone's house.... My daughter is rebelling, she hates it and has bcome attached to my hip when I am around her, and cries for me when I am not around her. She has even started to wake at night screaming for me, I'm so exhausted that I just curl myself up in her toddler bed with her ... waking up with aches & pains from the tight space. My son has recently begun to say things like "My life is almost over when you are not around" to both myself and my husband. The guilt is eating me alive that I cannot stay home with them. I am also feeling guilty because he starts Pre-K this September, 3 days a week, and I will not be there to bring him to school....



Because I spend three days a week out of the house for almost 12 hours a day, my clean, organized house has become a disorderly mess, I cannot keep up with laundry, irnong, cleaning, etc. Not to mention the fact that my garden is overgrown with weeds. I used to enjoy cooking when I was home full time, now I find myself begrudgingly throwing together meals that are almost not fit to eat.

Now when I am home with the kids, I am so tired, I dont want to do anything, I don't want to play with them, I don't want to cook, I just want to sit like a lump on a log and "veg" out. I watch TV, surf the internet etc. anything to escpae what is my life.

Now with the new College semester about to begin, the feeling of being overwhelmed is so big that I am having anxiety from it, and becoming more withdrawn. And annoyed. The gym visits have all stopped (because my daughter refuses to stay in the daycare center there) and I have put on 15 lbs (I am not thin to begin with, have struggled with my weight my entire life, so this 15 lbs is a big deal to me). Every now and again I try to go for walks as exercise. Yesterday, I wanted to walk along the boardwalk at the beach, so I grabbed the double stroller, the kids & went for what I expected to be a relaxing walk. However, all they did was complain and talk, and try to get out of the stroller... and I kept yelling at them to just shut up! JUST SHUT UP! which was wrong I know, but all I wanted was some quiet, some time to try and feel better. When they wouldn't be quiet I kept thinking to myself that I wished there was some place I could just go and put them where they would be safe and I could just leave them there and leave, leave everything behind.....although I realize I would never do this, because I love them so much, I would miss them if ever I weren't with them.

I live about an hour away from my family and friends, Although I have lived in my current neighborhood for five years, I have no friends here and am feeling isolated. I tried Mommy Groups, but didn't really like them. Although I get out of the house a lot with the kids and my husband, I rarely do stuff for myself, because I have no time, I see my friends about 2 to 3 times a year. I'm exhausted, tired, sad, isolated and frustrated. I vent to my husband who understands that the situation sucks and offers for me to go out by myself, but to do what? I can't spend money, because any extra money in our budget goes to doing things with the kids..... And although I want time for myself, when and if I get it, I just spend the time crying..... or worse, escaping onto the computer or "into" the TV......

Does anyone have any suggestions of what I should do? I thought about contacting my doctor, but last time I complained to her, all she did was prescribe me anti-anxiety medicine (Xanax) and a Weight Loss/Appetite Suprresant drug - i don't know the name of it - neither of which I filled, because I don't think the answer to my problems is in a bottle. I just don't know where the answer lies.

[Frustr8ed]

I don't see how a doctor is going to help you. Seems like you've identified all the issues and they aren't medical. First off, I would recommend taking your husband up on getting out of the house. Go somewhere and go jogging for a minimum of 20 minutes, preferrably with some music. It's free, it will allow you some time away, it will help you get some exercise and after the first 10 minutes which usually feels tiring, you should start to feel a little energized. The endorphins will do you a world of good.

Aside from that, it sounds like your financial situation is the root of your issues and you either have to keep battling to keep the bills paid which will continue to result in the issues you describe above or you'll have to find a way to cut your expenses enough to allow you to stop working and be with your children and take care of the house.

You didn't complain about your husband and even said he has offered to give you time alone but you also mentioned you were the one doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, gardening. Is he doing his share around the house? Is he as exhausted as you are? You mentioned you vent to him and he understands. Have the two of you really sat down and talked about the toll this is having on you and looked at all your options?

[starjoy08]

It sounds like you are just really stressed. It can be a really hard thing. When I get really stressed, like you are, I have to find time for myself. I have to make time for myself. I am not someone to push meds but if you don't get better soon, then you might want to listen to your doc. I think the biggest thing you need to remember is that you can do this. You can make it through this and be even better after dealing with it. I don't have kids, so I may not be any help but kids are strong and sometimes they have to grow up before they want to . Your kids will grow out of this situation and be stronger. Be strong and make time for yourself. Deep breathe and show the world that you are SUPER MOM!!

[baja]

pmcm, I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I agree with the above posters that you are stressed and the root of your problem seems to be largely financial. I would recommend you and your husband list your top-10 problems and what would "ideally" solve them. If more money is the majority answer, then it may be time to start looking for jobs that offer more pay since this would have a lasting long-term positive impact.

Clearly your problems won't be solved overnight, but if you and your husband can concentrate on making one or two big changes that could knock-out a large chunk of the problems, then you'll be well on your way to a happier future for all. The important thing is that you both tackle it together!