Ask us men anything - we'll tell you straight up

[kellythecatwoman]

I KNOW, RIGHT???? I freaking hate it when they fart and blame it on imaginary animals!!!

[rachel801]

A man's decision to cheat has more to do with his own personality than it does with the woman he is with. If he's an unfaithful person, he will act as such sooner or later.

My spouse cheated on me and I didn't have a clue since someone told me (with proof). Even when they did I didn't believe them, because he has always been so attentive and loving. When I asked him about it, he admitted that he met me when he was really young, and needed to be sure I was the right one for him, and of course he hid his tracks carefully because he would never want me to be hurt or risk losing me. He also said he never did it in our house or when I was around, only when I was out of the country and he was miserable and lonely.

I don't know if I believe him fully.

I think I could forgive a man for cheating, but only once, and only if he agrees to go to counseling to resolve the underlying issues (with my spouse doesn't want to do yet).

Does he sound like a serial cheater? Any compassion from the men here?

[Haven]

I think I could forgive a man for cheating, but only once, and only if he agrees to go to counseling to resolve the underlying issues (with my spouse doesn't want to do yet).

If you make him go to counseling, he'll be a cheater. That'll be his new reputation. Instead of "a loving husband who cheated on you in his darker hours", he'll be "a cheater who goes to counseling for his condition". The counselor will talk to him about cheating. How he cheated. Why he cheated.

If he's thinking, "I am a cheater", and he spends hours every week talking about cheating, what do you think his attention will be focused on?

One of the ways to influence people is to "Give a dog a good name". It works in reverse, too.

[OhThereYouAre]

My spouse cheated on me and I didn't have a clue since someone told me (with proof). Even when they did I didn't believe them, because he has always been so attentive and loving. When I asked him about it, he admitted that he met me when he was really young, and needed to be sure I was the right one for him, and of course he hid his tracks carefully because he would never want me to be hurt or risk losing me. He also said he never did it in our house or when I was around, only when I was out of the country and he was miserable and lonely.

I don't know if I believe him fully.

I think I could forgive a man for cheating, but only once, and only if he agrees to go to counseling to resolve the underlying issues (with my spouse doesn't want to do yet).

Does he sound like a serial cheater? Any compassion from the men here?

Rachel - Personally, there are two things that I will not look past. Lying, and cheating.

The way I see it - There are too many other people out there to explore and get to know, than to waste my time with someone who doesn't think well enough of me to tell me the truth, or to stay faithful to me.
I truly believe that a person's decision to cheat has more to do with their own morals and personality than it does with me. That being said, I don't associate with liars and cheaters, nor will I ever hold a committed relationship with one.

As far as your guy - his explanation sounds reasonable, and that gives me, a person on the outside looking in, privy to no other info, the inclination that he IS telling the truth.

But no, he gets no compassion from me.

[sourpuss]

At what point is it not ok to continue a friendship with a guy when you are in a relationship? The guy I'm dating REALLY does not like that I spend a lot of time with a male friend of mine. I have a lot of male friends but this particular one he doesn't like the fact that we became friends because i liked him and asked him out. We got to know one another and decided that we were better suited as friends and that's all there is between us. But my boyfriend can't get past the fact that at one point, I was interested in him.

[OhThereYouAre]

At what point is it not ok to continue a friendship with a guy when you are in a relationship? The guy I'm dating REALLY does not like that I spend a lot of time with a male friend of mine. I have a lot of male friends but this particular one he doesn't like the fact that we became friends because i liked him and asked him out. We got to know one another and decided that we were better suited as friends and that's all there is between us. But my boyfriend can't get past the fact that at one point, I was interested in him.

Tough issue.

Personally, I don't give up old friends, no matter if I was involved sexually with them or not. It's not your partner's decision who you are friends with.

If they can't handle it, it's their own business.

[sourpuss]

Hmm. I agree. I think the problem is that he's not an old friend. We just met back in March and the guy I'm dating and I met last winter. (didnt start dating until a few months ago) He couldn't care less about the guys I've been friends with for the last 10 years. I can totally see his side too. I think I would be a little weird too if the tables were turned.

[justmeonly]

Why in a "mature" relationship (ages 49 and 53), two bad marriages behind us and I thought we were totally "made" for each other until...... well, he does give me everything, tells me he "loves" me for which I do believe he does and I think in an unhealthy way, at least for our relationship. Our sex life has gone to NOTHING. He has a very "creative" sexual past and active one. I have recently been made aware that he is seeing "" type girls(he knows them) to just act out his fantasies with. He says he "respects" me too much to treat me in that way, even though some of those things I like and have asked for. He says he can't do that to me. I'm like on a dang pedestal or something. Well, it's ruined our sex life. We are engaged, but I can't go on knowing he has and is going out doing this, on the net looking, chatting, etc. I think it is truly a sex addiction that I'm not getting the best end of the deal with. I know if I confront him with the fact that I know, he will think I've been spying. I just happened to accidently stumble over something that let the cat out of the bag. It will end this relationship for sure if I talk to him about it even though he is the one that is exploring outside our bedroom. So my question is, can a man love, truly love a woman so much that he cannot be totally open with them sexually. He is open about everything else, shows me off, surprises me with things all the time, but he is a bit controlling. I'm am in need of some major advice. HELP!!! I need a man's side of the advice. I know what my friends say. They tell me to get the heck out of here. I have no where to go now. I've totally moved here and live with him. I will have absolutely no where to go. That scares me, but the fact of everything else that could happen scares me too. Please help.

[Mes T]

GRRRRR I hate when I reply and it disappears!!

Okay. In response to sourpuss, I can see where your boyfriend is coming from as well, and I kind of disagree with OTYA that it's just his problem and he needs to deal.

It's a tough situation, and at the end of the day it's about your boyfriend's insecurities. If you can't lull him with just words, then you need to take action. The way I see it, you have two choices:

1. Stop seeing your friend. Or, stop seeing your boyfriend. It's drastic, yes.
2. See your friend and your boyfriend at the SAME time. Hang out together! I used to have a problem with my boyfriend having so many female friends, but he consistently brought me along EVERY time, and even got angry when I didn't come. So eventually I became convinced that there really isn't anything to worry about.

[Haven]

At what point is it not ok to continue a friendship with a guy when you are in a relationship?

A new boyfriend shouldn't be expecting you to break off a friendship with anyone. You had that friend before he entered the picture, and who your friends are is a part of who you are. I agree with OTYA: if he can't handle it, that should be his loss, not yours.

That said, you are spending a lot of time with this guy. For you that's harmless but your boyfriend sees "SPENDS A LOT OF TIME WITH AN EX" as a big red flag. He probably feels threatened, especially if it would be obvious to him why you took an interest in the ex.

Making your boyfriend feel less threatened by the ex is the key to making him OK with the friendship. There are lots of ways you can do that. You could agree to spend more time with your other friends. You could tell him that there are reasons you moved on, and if you hadn't, you wouldn't have found him. If you think he might be threatened by the ex being more attractive than he is, you can tell him why you find him attractive.

You'll figure something out. Your actions are sending a message - "I had the opportunity to make this guy my boyfriend, but I picked you instead and I like my choice". Once you help him understand that message, he'll be able to relax.

My question is, can a man love, truly love a woman so much that he cannot be totally open with them sexually.

I hate to say this, but I don't think the way he's behaving has to do with him loving you too much. The best-case scenario is that he has a Madonna- complex (he can only love virtuous women, "Madonnas", and only have sex with "s")... and maybe, with time and possibly therapy, he could overcome it.

As best-case scenarios go, that's not a very good one. You're right when you say you're not getting a good deal and your friends are right when they tell you to get the heck out of there.

I feel for you when you say you have nowhere to go. You need to find something, though. If he's controlling when you're engaged then he's going to get worse when you're married and at that point you'll REALLY have nowhere to go. Have you thought about that?

You have to face your fears somewhere. It's better to go into the world and face the fears associated with the challenges of a better life than it is to face the fears that creep up on you when you're too scared to move forward.