Child Support .... I need to vent

[Ahryin]

Hello All,

I'm not sure if i'm putting this blog in the correct area but I figure hey i'm a mom and this has to do with my daughter.

I'm 27, hardworking, recently healing, determined, full of drive, head strong but understanding mother! I love my girls with every breath I have in me. I would give them the shirt off my back, my arm so they can write, leg so they can walk...last drop of blood I have to ensure they would live type mother.
I don't know it all, I have much to learn and i'm doing so every day.

I work HARD so my children don't have to go through what I went through and live the life I've had to live, which I believe is something most to all mothers at least aspire to do.

Well...then you have my youngest daughters father...who does NOTHING! No shoes, no shirt, no service. He has never picked her up from school, doesn't read her books before she goes to bed, doesn't provide a drop of water for her to drink, no plate of food so she can eat...nothing! He is on childsupport and behind by the thousands. Warrant after Warrant has been placed for his arrest...they pick him up and let him go! First he had to pay $50, then $250, and yesterday...freaking $150...REALLY...are you kidding me!

This is why i'm mad....
1. He has two SUV's and two cars
2. He is recently married to the woman he cheated on me with who has a VERY good job and who it seems main aspiration in life is to attempt in every way possible to disturb my peace (at least she tries I don't really pay her any mind until she takes it out on my child)
3. He has two apartments
4. He owns a profitable business
5. He also has a full time job
6. His number one hobby is demanding visitation rights for our child (the court seems to always comply and make me drive out of my way which means taking money out of my pocket which in turn is taking money out of my daughters lives) The court knows he doesn't support our child in any way but that is considered a seperate issue

DING DONG...its not a seperate issue...don't get me wrong I love my daughter and would and will take care of her no matter what. All I ask is that he be held financially accountable for the child he father'd. This wasn't a surprise to him! We were engaged, I broke it off! Ever since then one week he asks if we can "talk about us" I will ignore him, he will keep in his pursuit and I will cuss him out..then the issues start! Then he want's to pick her up and disappear, then he wants to take me back to court...

It just comes to a point where I need to know when is it going to end. I know women who get the child support taken right out of the guys check...yet this man seems to always duck and dodge and beat the system! I'm sick of it. I'm just freaking sick of it! I don't know what to do. I've done everything they've asked me to do and I keep having to go out of my way its like nothing I do is good enough and he doesn't have to do anything.

If he would just give up his rights life would be so much easier...but thats not going to happen

I don't even know what i'm asking for in this post. I guess if you have gone through something similar, or have words of encouragement ...because i'm two steps short of doing something illegal just to give myself some type of peace

[LanaBear]

Oh LORD - he sounds like my own dad (I don't call him that though).

My parents got divorced when I was a freshman in HS (almost the happiest day of my life). I also have a sister 4 years younger than me. My dad never paid child support, NEVER! He would get a job, they would track him down, start garnishing his wages, he'd quit and go somewhere else. Start working under the table, blah blah blah. Sickening really. He's a POS. It wasn't until my sister turned 18 that he started to work a real job. Oh and he's got another daughter, who walks on water!

When they got divorced, he left my mom with everything. The house they just built a couple years prior, cars, boat, etc. Luckily my mom had a decent job, but quickly got rid of some things.

I know it sucks, I still despise my dad for everything he put my mom through and I'm 31. There's so much more to this story and I'm not sure I can say anything to help you feel better. But just know that your daughter will appreciate everything you've done for her and will realize what a piece of work her "dad" is. They have a knack for it. My mom never said one bad thing about my dad in front of us, she didn't have to! My mom means the world to me. You'll mean the world to her too!

[Ahryin]

My baby tells me everyday that she loves me and she is 3! She tells me that I'm the bestest mommy ever and it lights my heart! He still gets to see her because of the courts but half the time I wish he didn't. She comes back looking like she has been through war!
Then days will pass and she will ask for him. I know she is young but I ask myself..WTH MAN!!!

[Joy]

That sucks that the courts are letting him dodge this financial responsiblity to his daughter. I have no respect for him and I don't even know him. Who doesn't give their daughter food, clothes and necessities of life. When you have so much at your disposal to do so. I realize some people have nothing to give but to be so selfish and stingy.

This is sad this man won't give your daughter a shred of anything because he is punishing you. If he just opened his eyes to see how he is really making his daughter suffer. What a jack$$

All I can tell ya is that what goes around comes around and one day his selfish ways will bite him in the bum. Till then keep on being yourself and teach your daughters how to be a good person.

[LetAGrlShowU]

You deserve every dime he owes, but its not likely you'll get it. I work for a divorce attorney in FL and I dont know NY laws but if you dont pay, visitation rights can be modified. The name on the birth certificate means hes doing something in life? NO. My daughter is 4, and I have been on my own raising her the whole time. Her dad, although WOULD HAVE BEEN a loving father, got into trouble after i left him for cheating, ended up in jail, FOR LIFE. Not only have i not seen a dime for what i feel was an equal engagement in having a child, but even when ALL assets were sold, I got $100 of it. Thats right, 4 yrs and $100. LOL. I laugh because i work hard to provide for her and im doing fine, but its not funny. He basically got off of all responsibility- no picking her up, no feeding, no hearing her cry, no dealing with the TERRIBLE 2's 3's and 4's we've encountered. BUT you sound like a well determined excellent mother, dont let him set you back-even a thought. The visitation issue... i'd search state laws, if you find a loop hole contact an attorney. On that same note, if shes asking for him, you dont want to deny her that. If hes a dumb$$, she'll figure it out on her own, dont bad mouth him, or tell her stories. Let her grow up with her dad in her life. Even with all the my daughters father put me through, i wish he could be a part of her life. After all, it is extremely important for a girl to have a father figure.
Keep your head up and you'll be fine.

[Ahryin]

LOL, his name isn't on her birth certificate.....It just says MOTHER...

[Ahryin]

I was raised by my father while my mother was out in the world dealing with her own personal issues. I know how important it is to have a male influence in your life...especially for little girls. Your father should be the first man you love, the first man to wipe your tears the first man to hold you etc..its important for a child to feel that strength and protection...that is if that man is worth anything!

I found out today that he got yet another chick pregnant so that makes 4 for him. I have already contacted an attorney because truthfully I'm just done dealing with it. I'm sorry to hear about your situation ... we all have to stick together so if you ever need to talk or someone just to listen i'm here! It might not be much but I know it can mean a lot during those times you just want to either throw something or pull you hair out. Some times I don't know HOW i do things, but I do them...not because I have no choice but because I love my girls!

[Hopeless Dork]

I never persued child support. The guy that got me pregnant (notice I didn't say my kids "dad" because the only role he played in fatherhood was getting me pregnant), hasn't paid one cent, bought one ice cream or made one visit.

I had a crush on this guy for a few months and never let on, we had mutual friends and he'd always hit on me but I was too shy to agree to go out with him, even though I thought he was adorable and funny. I caved and we dated for a few weeks. Condom failure ONE time.

We broke up before I ever found out I was pregnant and after the break up I learned he had a pregnant gf already that he was cheating on her with me. I didn't want to tell him to make it seem like I was just trying to get him back , I didn't want him I thought he was a total loser cheating on his preg gf in the first place.

Finally I told him for peice of mind, just so I could extend a branch if he wanted to be a part of our babies life, he could... the invitation was there. I decided not persue support because it was me that decided to have the baby knowing full well we'd never work as a couple.

He decided to walk away and not look back, except for one time when he wanted to just see him. That was it. No clue where he is now, and he could contact me if he wanted to, and never has.

Its been hard, I've worked 2 and 3 jobs sometimes to make sure my kid has what he needs and getting the support I realize, would be nice... but I have stuck to my guns on not asking him for a dime.

Your kids father is trying to take an active role in his life, and thats so good for your kid. Mine is a happy child and I've never lied to him on the situation that brought him into my life and let him know how much I love him and that he is a blessing almost every single day. He is well-adjusted and happy but I know sometimes he longs to know his dad, he won't say this to me but when other kids are off doing things with their dads I can see it in his eyes. It breaks my heart every time.

Your kids father should be making sure that your child is having his needs met, since he signed on to be an active parent, but don't lose sight of the value of his presense, regardless of what he kicks in financially.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This is why i'm mad....
1. He has two SUV's and two cars
2. He is recently married to the woman he cheated on me with who has a VERY good job and who it seems main aspiration in life is to attempt in every way possible to disturb my peace (at least she tries I don't really pay her any mind until she takes it out on my child)
3. He has two apartments
4. He owns a profitable business
5. He also has a full time job
6. His number one hobby is demanding visitation rights for our child (the court seems to always comply and make me drive out of my way which means taking money out of my pocket which in turn is taking money out of my daughters lives) The court knows he doesn't support our child in any way but that is considered a seperate issue

If he had nothing... Would you still be mad?

Is the other Father contributing to your other daughter's life?

Are you in love with a new man at the moment and have been for a year?

Being "Mad" is a waste of energy as is persuing this over and over and over, why? Because you may win, but in order to do so, you have to continue this for a long time, and what will that do to your sanity?

Persue by all means.

But, somehow you have to take this anger for him, the bathplug, out of your head so that you can also be a happy little soul because YOUR WORTH IT.

Know that you will do this.
Know that it takes time.
Once you leave the Attorneys office, send it all away mentally and get back on with YOUR LIFE.

And, keep repeating.

If you are going to be successful, you will. If not, you won't.

But, spending each day thinking about it, will eat you up and it's not worth it.

Pretend it's just a hobby, one that you leave behind, when you walk away from the Attorney's office, leaving them to do their job, whilst you continue getting on with your life.

CW

[*Kel*]

I completely sympthasize with your situation! I have almost the exact same problem... in that my 10 year old's dad hasn't ever paid his court ordered child support, and it's now just over $60,000! I couldn't ever understand why I would see all of these "deadbeat dads" on TV that owed 4K or as much as 10K, but nobody compares to my ex.

Every time he goes to jail, I call the CSEA and they require so much time, red tape, levels of authority, etc... that he's already out before they can do anything! I contacted the director of the CSEA in a neighboring county (he's a family friend) and he gave me the terrible lowdown on the child support system. THEY WON"T GO AFTER A DEADBEAT DAD IF THE MOTHER IS NOT ON GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE. I couldn't believe what I was hearing...

And, unfortunately... child support and visitation rights are two separate things... I know, it doesn't seem to be fair. However, if for some reason a very honest father that paid every month was laid off and couldn't pay his support for several months, his visitation with his child/children shouldn't suffer... .right? Also, although you disagree with the fact that your daughter's father doesn't support her, it is still important for her to know him... if you don't allow that relationship to happen, then she would resent you for keeping her from him... I feel your pain though...