Help

[Kakie]

Hi, I was just after some advice really - I've been bulimic for the last 7 years, when it first started I went to my doctor and was referred to a counsellor. After seeing her for a few months I went off to university and kind of slipped by the wayside. I've been to the doctor since for other things, but nothing has ever been said about food etc. I really want help and I want to stop, but I can't do it alone, I've tried but I panic too much after eating. I don't want to go to my doctor again though as I'm scared she'll laugh at me / dismiss it, because I'm obviously not thin enough for it to be a problem or she would have mentioned something when I've been to see her recently.. Don't know what to do or who to go to.. please help?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know the obvious, is not always the obvious, your not anorexic, rather bulimic there is a huge difference and they can't tell unless it becomes toxic, anorexic.. Unless you talk, they can't help oyu..

You don't have to be scared if you want help, not at all.. It's not like they could mention it because you haven't and they don't have crystal balls to see.

Why do you do this? What is upsetting you?

You know? There is nothing wrong with having fears what ever they are, and your other thread, maybe is more to in line with this one, there are fears.

What are they?

Welcome to the Forum... Thank you for joining and we will answer you as best as we can.

CW

[Kakie]

i'm scared that if i went to ask for help then i'd get shoved to the back of a waiting list to see a counsellor or something because i'm not a 'high risk' case (ie. it isn't life threatening). which i do understand, i honestly do, i know that people who are seriously underweight need more help than i do, but i don't want that to happen and for it to 'inspire' me to get more ill. if that makes any sense? like "oh they won't help me how i am now, but they will if i get thin..". they're just going to laugh at me. nobody who isn't thin has an eating disorder. argh. the doctor weighed me (in relation to a different issue) a few weeks ago and my bmi was bang on the boarder between underweight/healthy and she didn't say anything then. i really don't know what to do i feel so lost. i've no idea who to go to or who to talk to. i just want to be normal again. rather than having my life ruled by food. i've tried to stop myself, i really have, many times, i can last a couple of days or so and then i get tempted by a bad food and eat a little bit of it, by which stage its too late because i panic that little bit will make me fat and then figure that since i'm going to have to get rid of that little bit so it doesn't make me fat then i may as well just eat loads. its so gross. i'm so gross. sorry. i'm talking s***

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That makes perfect sense and NO you don't want to go down that path to seek attention.

However, your so wrong, because no one will laugh at you, if you said to them what you just said to me? They would go shirt, oh oh and do something, that's logical....

SHE is the wrong Doctor, paid for quick visits and doesn't care, change DOCTORS PLEASE, NOW.

That is why you feel like you do... You can't be normal if people won't see you as such, or read between the lines, or ask you questions or like my Doctor did, here, I want you to go for a blood test, so she can see all... That's a Doctor, make sense?

This is also why you feel lost and again, thanks for joining this site, you will get lots of replies only people are, currently sleeping... I am in Australia.

If you could do it by yourself, you would have, you can't, your Doctor doesn't see, your frightened to tell your man, you won't tell your family, your friends also, and so you turn to the internet to tell you.. Good for you.

People that are not happy within themselves, turn to "

Drugs
Alcohol
Gambling
Eating fattening food

COMFORT.... What ever makes them feel good.


What you need to confirm is why you are not happy in life, why you need comfort, why you need a drink before sex, why you need....

What made you feel this way?

That is what a councellor will try to work out at $100 an hour.

We don't know you...

Think back, share your life..........let us know so we can add more clarification and remember WE don't know you...

Your not talking s*** that actually wasn't allowed until Little our Admin put in a new friendly way to post...... You are NOT gross...

But, you can be all you want to be if you want.

SO talk further with us.

CW

[Kakie]

sorry, i didn't mean to swear.. i just get frustrated sometimes..

i know that people on here don't know me, i'm sorry if it was inappropriate of me to post in here, i came accross the site randomly and thought i'd see if it would help at all.. just figured that people not knowing me may actually help, because those people who do know me just see what is on the outside, if that makes sense.. i used to try to tell people i was unhappy and i just got met with "u can't be, u have x, y, and z going for you in life.. etc etc etc".

the problem is that i don't know why i'm not overly happy with life, i don't feel depressed (i suffered from this about 5 years ago and i know that i don't feel the same as i did then), i do get joy from life, i enjoy playing sports, hanging around with friends/bf, i have plans for the future, etc, etc. i've not had a bad life, infact i've had a relatively good life - 2 parents, comfortable life style, 2 brothers, family holidays, good schooling, etc. etc. finished top of my year at school, gained county sporting representative honours, used to model part time, went to a very good university and gained a 1st class degree. bla bla bla. all that stuff that everybody else seems to find important and focus on. and why apparently i should be happy and love myself.. 3 years ago my dad died though, unexpectedly, i didn't get chance to say bye or anything like that, which was hard, on myself but also on my mum and my younger brother. i guess this may make me sad, but i had the problems with food for 4 years before this happened... so i dont know what causes it?

[OG612]

You're not being inappropriate. I swear on here to but I find ways to get around the censors.

You came to a women's health forum for help and guidance from women. Well, I'm a man but it's still help. Let's have a little fun.

Let's go back in time to 2002. Seven years ago. Do you remember the very first time you purged after eating? Don't think hard about it if it's not coming to you; that'll just frustrate you and get you upset. But rather... meditate lightly on it.

What were you thinking during this first experience?
What were you thinking about before you made your move?
What was it like after? Did you feel happy? Did you feel better? Did you feel more "complete"?

Why do you continue to do this?
Are you seeking more attention? Less attention?
Do you think people won't care about you unless you're sick?

This beats shelling out the bucks for a shrink and having to answer these questions face-to-face. Right?

OG

[Kakie]

bah, u've touched on a sore point not in a bad/upsetting way, but in a way that i am ashamed of the answer to your first question..

i do remember the first time that i did it, vividly, and why i did it, how, etc. and all of it makes me feel very stupid and immature and so on i first did it because at the time i wasn't overweight, but i also wasn't thin, i played a whole load of sport and was quite muscly. this never bothered me until i became about 16/17 when i suddenly cared about how i looked and realised that i was built differently to quite a lot of people, to all the 'popular people'.. i tried dieting, quite successfully for a while, but then i couldn't keep it up, i'd lived off fruit/plain boiled veg for a few weeks and one day i caved and ate 'bad' food (i dont remember what it was). i'd read online about people making themselves sick, i'd even been on pro-ed websites where people gave tips about how to do it, so i tried it. it was horrible, painful and took an absolute age, compared to the ease at which i can do it now (don't even have to use my fingers anymore). but after i'd done it i felt a bit better about myself, like i'd achieved something (wrong, i know), like i now had an answer to all the problems of food/fat/etc. i truly didn't know it would lead to this, i thought that i would be able to control it, that i could do it when i wanted and stop when i wanted (which is how it was to start with).. if i could i would go back to how i was then and beg me not to do it that first time, or to stop before it got to controlling me.. so yeah, there weren't any deep psychological reasons for me starting to do it, i was just a shallow teenager who didn't want to be fat anymore

i realise that my answer above which paints me in a very bad light will probably make you disbelieve this, but i dont want attention. quite the opposite. i'm always very happy just to kind of plod along in the background of life getting on with things and letting other people lap up the attention. it doesn't bother me and i don't particularly want it.. i wish i could stop the bingeing/purging, i really, really do. i'm terrified about what it is doing to my insides and my heart especially. i want to stop. but i don't know how? i get caught in a cycle where i will only let myself eat a small amount of 'good' foods (fruit, plain boiled veg, sometimes plain prawns, low fat rice cakes) and i am okay with that, i don't need to throw those up.. but then i'll get tempted by other 'bad' foods, or someone else will offer me some, or make me some for a meal, and then i get terrified, terrified that that one bit of 'bad' food is going to make me really fat and i know i have to get rid of it, so i figure 'what the ' i may as well eat lots of bad foods if i'm going to have to be sick anyway.. and then i do so.. and feel bad about it, and resolve not to do it again, but then i do.. i just don't know how to stop.i can see that the logical answer would be to allow myself that little bit of 'bad' food to start with and then not have any more and also not be sick - but its like i change after i've eaten it and i stop being logical and sensible and i just panic and something else takes control..i dunno if i need someone to stop me eating the bad/unhealthy food to start with, or to physically stop me going to the toilet after (although then i think i just wouldn't eat at all) or what? i just want to stop!

oops, i have rambled quite a bit there, i'm sorry.. i bet you didn't count on that when you replied you're right though, it was much cheaper than a shrink and actually quite helpful to vent things a bit. thank you

[OG612]

Actually, I was hoping for a very insightful answer. So thanks for living up to my expectations.

What you need to realize is that there is no such thing as "bad" food. Everything we eat and drink provides some level of nourishment and the much needed calories we need to provide our bodies with energy.

If you want to become a straight up vegetarian, there's nothing wrong with that. A friend of mine's girlfriend is actually one of the top people in the raw food movement. Might be something to consider.

By continuing this cycle of binge and purge, you're damaging your stomach, heart, throat, mouth, and teeth. I'm guessing your fingers are also scarred from when you first started doing this.

As long as you know that one cheese burger isn't going to make you blow up to 300 pounds right away.

You weren't "fat." Just because you weren't "skinny" doesn't mean a god dam thing. You had an athletic build. You were muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat, but also shapes your body in a much more pleasant way than fat. Know this.

I want you to do something for me. I want you to talk to your subconscious mind. Sounds weird, but trust me when I say that it's incredibly easy to do and nobody has to know.

First, give her a name. If she doesn't like the name you give her then she'll tell you what she wants to be called.

Now that you have a name for her, talk to her. Just ask her questions and find out why she's doing this to you. Her answers won't always be verbal. You may end up getting a bunch of visuals/imagery as answers. If you don't understand what she's showing you, or telling you, then ask her to clarify.

Let me know what you discover. You may even surprise yourself.

OG

[Kakie]

If you want to become a straight up vegetarian, there's nothing wrong with that. A friend of mine's girlfriend is actually one of the top people in the raw food movement. Might be something to consider.

what is the raw food movement? is it literally just what it sounds - eating only raw food?

I want you to do something for me. I want you to talk to your subconscious mind. Sounds weird, but trust me when I say that it's incredibly easy to do and nobody has to know.

First, give her a name. If she doesn't like the name you give her then she'll tell you what she wants to be called.

Now that you have a name for her, talk to her. Just ask her questions and find out why she's doing this to you. Her answers won't always be verbal. You may end up getting a bunch of visuals/imagery as answers. If you don't understand what she's showing you, or telling you, then ask her to clarify.

Let me know what you discover. You may even surprise yourself.

really sorry but what you've written above confuses me ever so slightly - you want me to talk to myself? i'm not quite sure how this can happen? surely any 'responses' would also come from the conscious part of my brain?.. i'm not dismissing what you are saying or ridiculing it in any way at all, please believe me, i just don't really understand it properly...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

OG is a hypnotist...

It didn't come out that clear, I know what he means but I'll let him explain..

However, your on line, he's sleeping.

you want me to talk to myself? i'm not quite sure how this can happen? surely any 'responses' would also come from the conscious part of my brain?.. i'm not dismissing what you are saying or ridiculing it in any way at all, please believe me, i just don't really understand it properly...

Me neither, would it be though you are your conscious part of your brain, and this person you deside to name and talk to is your sub-conscious so she will speak in some ways and you will speak in some ways...

Kind of like when we were kids there was an imaginary friend a lot of us had... And, we would talk to that person....

I think that is what he is saying.

Glad you hung about ... By bringing this up maybe in the morning other's will answer as well.

CW