No connection anymore..

**Munchkin** · 08-21-2009 06:56 AM

Hey guys..

Some of you may have read some of my posts in other threads, talking about my fiance and his addiction to porn. If you haven't then i'll give you a little back story.. Been together 4 years, have a 1 year old son. He's always looked at porn, like most men. I was fine with it. I said to him i understand he enjoys it so as long as i wasn't in the house and as long as it didn't affect our sex life, he could do it all he wanted. But that wasn't enough for him, he started doing it in the same room as me whilst he thought i was sleeping, he'd say he was going to have a bath and bring the lap top in with him to listen to music. I'm sure you can all gather that it wasn't music he had on the lap top! And it started to become a case of no sex for me as he would rather do it himself.

Anyway, lately we haven't been as close. We're not really arguing, it's more that we don't seem to be connecting. If i try to hug him he'll hug back for a second then pat me on the back and pull away. Every night before i went to sleep he would always come and lay in bed with me just to hug. But that has stopped. We hardly speak, not for lack of trying on my part! I asked him to come and lay with me a few nights ago and he did, we were kissing, things were getting a bit steamy and he suddenly stopped, got up and said night and left. I don't know whats going on in his head. I really don't know if he loves me anymore. Or maybe he just doesn't want me in that way.

Since i had our son i have been struggling to lose the baby weight, and obviously my body isn't what it used to be. I'm wondering if that is why he's backing off. Maybe he does still love me but just isn't attracted to me anymore?

Any advice at how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. I can also take criticism lol so just hit me with your thoughts as i am lost!

**Ahryin** · 08-21-2009 07:09 AM

Communication is the key and love is love. You have to be able to talk to him and let your guard down. Let him know you WANT to be more intimate with him. He might think he is doing you a favor, that you don't want him to touch you? Did you go through a time where you weren't that into sex?
Have you ever tried watching porn with him? Normally when I see this issue I say shock him...let him see that you WANT him...for instance when he is watching porn go and give him some oral action aka service (blow his mind and remind him that you are EVERYTHING and the ONLY thing he wants and needs)

**Frustr8ed** · 08-21-2009 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by Munchkin

I was fine with it. I said to him i understand he enjoys it so as long as i wasn't in the house and as long as it didn't affect our sex life, he could do it all he wanted.

Let him know it's affecting your sex life and now it has to stop. I think allowing it in the first place was a mistake. I used to look at porn quite a bit and it took a toll on my marriage. In hindsite, I saw how it made me less affectionate toward my wife. Why would I want to be with her when I can look at hot women with awsome bodies wearing what I choose or doing things I want them to do? It's selfish and destructive behaviour.

Before the other guys out there start bashing me, I'm sure there are some out there that don't let it affect their relationships and some couples that can have it use it to enhance their fun, in my experience and apparently in yours it's not the case.

**Munchkin** · 08-21-2009 07:31 AM

Hey Ahryin.. I will try to speak to him, i've been dropping little hints here and there but maybe he's just not getting them!

I've offered to watch porn with him, he said no. Said it's not 'the same'. I enjoy porn, i watched it in the past with previous partners, not into all that hardcore stuff but some of it's ok. So he knows i'm not gonna get disgusted by it or anything he just doesn't want to watch it with me.

Last night we were watching tv and i straddled him and kissed him and he actually got in the mood.. it's the first time we've had sex in about a month. It was good, really good in fact

but after he just pushed me off of him cleaned himself up and went back to watching tv. No cuddle, no talk, not even a smile! It was just really uncomfortable afterwards. He was acting like he was ashamed of what we'd just done.

**Munchkin** · 08-21-2009 07:35 AM

Frustr8ed - nice to hear a man's perspective on this. It wasn't really a case of me 'allowing it'. I understand he's his own person and i never wanted to control his life. And i figured, he was gonna do it anyway so there wasn't much i could do. All my previous bf's watched porn and it never became an issue so i had not reason to think it would be an issue this time around.

I've spoke to him about how it's affecting me but he's carrying on. How did your wife get you to stop?

**Frustr8ed** · 08-21-2009 07:52 AM

Looking at porn has diminishing returns as with any addiction so you need more and more. It was great looking at hot bodies but looking led to other things in my case. I found where I could look and touch. Fortunately for me, I was overrun with guilt and spilled everything to my wife. I saw how I had hurt her so deeply and how selfish I had been. (in many ways, not just the porn). In my case, it was just me coming to the realization of what I was doing.

Marriage vows usually contain the words "Forsaking all others". That includes women on the computer, in magazines or any where else they may be.

**Ahryin** · 08-21-2009 08:00 AM

Have you tried asking him to make a porn with you? You can actually get really into it and let him direct....buy outfits make a thing of it...heck you two are married!

**Munchkin** · 08-21-2009 08:02 AM

Well i just hope he'll come to his senses soon.

Frustr8ed.. did looking at porn make you feel less attracted to your wife? Because i'm wondering whether my fiance finds me less attractive because of my body changing due to having a baby as well as him looking at 'perfect' women on the internet? because if that's the case, there's not much i can do about it and that is scary..

**Munchkin** · 08-21-2009 08:04 AM

Ahryin.. i've suggested that. He said no..
We've recorded ourselves before, but he deleted it saying it 'looked weird'. I have no idea what he meant by that though.

**WildChild** · 08-21-2009 08:08 AM

LOL it's taken me 50 years to start to get it that men don't take hints. They generally need to have it spelled out in words of one sylable. Sometimes that still won't do unless you figuratively threaten to take a frying pan to them upside the head - just to get them to listen. Men tend to lack subtlety, it's pretty much lost on them.
Munchkin, you have my sympathy and empathy, I'm dealing with some of this too. It isn't so much porn as his hand that is the problem.