I need some unbiased advice

[Annise]

I've been married 33 years. And, for the most part, we have had a really good marriage. Hubby had a drinking problem before I met him, he promised that he would not drink at all and he kept this up for 25 years. Then it was the odd drink here and there but nothing major. But in the last year he has been drinking more and more and kind of hiding it. He also has been brooding about old mistakes and hurts and became quite argumentive with everyone. I finally caught on and told him I was leaving if he continued to drink. He has stopped but he is really resentful and I think it is destroying our marriage. I have never been a drinker and honestly don't see why people want to drink at all so I know I am not exactly impartial. But he really seems to view having a beer with a friend as vital to friendship. I just do not trust him any more and find myself hunting for evidence. And I don't know what to do. I love him, he is a wonderful man for the most part and we have comfortable life style.

So the question is: Am I being unreasonable to insist that he not drink at all?

[Katsaly]

If he has a problem, you aren't necessarily being unreasonable. But since he has been able to manage moderate drinking in the past, it might be worth discussing limits with him. For example, let him drink beer with his friends, but not too much, and that's it. I don't really know what his drinking habits are, so I can't really tell you what healthy changes would be.

[dr.mansview]

if he's had a drinking problem in the past then if he was an alcoholic or a borderline alcoholic he prolly can't stop at one or two drinks..hard to limit his drinking when he's out with the boys and u r not there..being a non drinker myself i was teased at sports bars by my fellows ball players..it just never bothered me..the guys who were offended by my non drinking were not friends i wanted anyway..

u r in a tough spot..fact is if he wants to drink he will regardless of your desires..he's got to want to stop and he appears not to want to at the moment..good luck annise

[WildChild]

If he had a problem in the past and is engaging in behavior such as hiding it and becoming depressed and argumentative, then it sounds like it is still a problem. Obviously you wouldn't be thinking of leaving over this if it wasn't a problem. Any idea what triggered this? You might contact AA, they have a program for spouses and families of alcoholics. You may find that helpful.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'ts fantastic if he was able to curb to one here and there, having had a problem in the past and some 25 years ago.

You need to support him, I think, not threaten to leave.. As the other two above posters have advised, 1) he can't stop at a couple if he gets going and 2) the issues from 25 years ago are still there and haven't been dealt with.

He wants again to hide behind that bottle. His old friend.

CW

[Mustang Sally]

alcoholism is a diease, once and alcoholic always and alcoholic. I hate to be blunt but if he was hiding it, he was drinking more than you know. If he can stop totally, I would give it a shot because most drinkers when having one drink can't stop with that. Believe me, from experience, it is much easier to see someones problems than it is to see your own. I wish you the best and may GOD Bless you. I will say a prayer for both of you.

[Joy]

If he is drinking again what is he running from? would he go to counsilling? check out al-non for yourself and your family.

[Sandra_does]

Hmmmmm.....how would you like it if he said you must shave all the hair off your head forever or he would leave you...?

Yes, you are very unreasonable because you are delivering him an ultimatum..."quit drinking or I leave !" So then, stop this witch hunt and look to the source of the problem and I will bet my touche it isn't drinking...

Unfortunately, life is not always as simple as we would like it to be while yet I try to make it so regardless... So then, bite into this little thought... "It's every man's duty to go home to his wife and it's every woman's duty to make him want to go home...!!!

What are you "not" doing that makes him not want to go home...? For all your married years, things do change and speaking of change...hint hint...! Now you are competing with his friends. Everyone needs space of their own, even you, but when that space away is more satisfying then it's obvious something is less inviting at home...could it be you...?

I think if he was an alcoholic years past you would have said so, but you could drive him into it if continuing your witch hunt. So then, take the time to find out what is wrong at home and discuss it with him...and yourself... It would be good to ask his opinion of the matters at hand also...try to get him to open up and not hide anything...

You have come too far to turn back so be positive and take the compassionate approach and do not try to judge his actions unless your actions are in perfection...

I have not been married many many years but I do feel I will be training my man for a lifetime...

I wish you the very best of success and may God be with you...

Sandra_does...