Am I wrong for being this way??

[lesliervra]

I am 31 years old and have been with my husband since I was 15! I had been pretty wild before I got with him and was really glad to have finally met a guy that was the complete opposite of me (Yes, by 15 I had done EVERYTHING in the book). He was reserved, goal oriented and NOT a player! We married when I was 20 (after we had our 2nd child) and have been together ever since. He works hard, provides for his family and is a loving father. Two years ago things started getting a little rough. He began to disconnect and act very protective of his things (mainly his cell phone)! I had a hunch that something was going on and found that he had been messaging an old acquaintance in Alaska on Myspace and was flirting his butt off. That is where my real struggles began. From there he began becoming very flirtatious overall. He has been caught text messaging and flirting with old friends and new female friends. Every time I catch him I make him end it! I have even called these females myself! He has destroyed my trust over and over again. Just last weekend we went through it again! There had been a new text messaging buddy. A female he met at a job site and asked him for his #. He claims that she is just a friend and that he just wants to have other people to BS with w/o the repercussions from home! What am I supposed to do? I do not trust him when it comes to other females. He hides things, lies about things and claims that making male friends is difficult. He says that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I want to stay married but do not know if I can ever trust him again. 2 years of paranoia is enough! He has never physically cheated on me that I know of but, if the opportunity came I can not be sure that he would do the right thing. I want him to be happy. I feel horrible for constantly forbidding things but come on give me a chance to heal! Am I right?? If someone is really just friend then why hide them?? I just don't know where to go from here!

[Mustang Sally]

I understand how you feel, a married man should have male friends and a married woman should have female friends. I feel there is just too much temptation when the two sexes try to be close friends. I don't feel that you are wrong at all and if he is truely committed to your marriage then he will understand your feelings. What if the shoes were reversed????? How would he feel, my husband said it would be ok with him which tells me, he don't care about me because I care about him and it matters alot to me!!! Good Luck and GOD BLESS!!!

[Nats]

You're so not wrong!!! Two years is a long time for someone to try and understand where you're coming from...and it appears you've made yourself very clear. What the heck is wrong with HIM? I think its too much for you to have to deal with this for such a long time...and I totally agree about getting a chance to heal...Perhaps its time to give him an ultimatum...If he loves you and cares about the family you've made together, he should begin a serious 'road to flirtation recovery'...Honestly, if they are just friends, there is no reason to hide it...Most women are reasonable, contrary to the rumours out there...Sheesh...Good luck!!!

[Joy]

ok do you have a cell phone? why aren't you guys texting and flirting? If he wants attention and being called a big stud and what not then why aren't you guys filling that void for each other?

Everyone wants to feel sexy and desirable by there mate. Why does he look for this outside the relationship?

It is ok if he has female friends but he has to draw the line and honor his wife and her feelings. How would he feel is random guys were texting and flirting with you and boosting your ego?

[Kakie]

I understand how you feel, a married man should have male friends and a married woman should have female friends. I feel there is just too much temptation when the two sexes try to be close friends.

really?? granted i'm not married yet, but i'm in a loving, committed long-term relationship with someone and i have to say that probably 85% of my friends are males. my boyfriend has no problem with this and i see them as nothing other than friends, and i never would be tempted by them. infact a couple of them have made approaches that were innapropriate and i've squashed them immediately. to me they are more like brothers than potential lovers. so i think its possible that a man could just want to chat with women without any ulterior motives. i'm not saying hes gone about it the right way, but i am saying it is possible.

[lesliervra]

First off thanks for all of your opinions and ideas. It really does help to hear from other women! I have been sending text messages and boosting his ego since that was what I first suspected. That only worked for a little while and he did it again. There is soooo much more to the story that I would have to write a book I would not have a problem with him having a female friend or two if he went around it the right way. I have a male friend who has been my friend since 8th grade. My husband knows him and his wife. If I talk to my male friend my husband is right there and knows that there is nothing to hide. But, his friends are secrets and he ALWAYS lies about them. Right now I just feel like its time to find a new guy friend and show him what it feels like to be kept in the dark!!

[Kakie]

have you made it clear that you're not angry/against him having female friends but that it is his dishonesty/secrecy about it that is getting to you?
if not, i'd do so... if you have and he refuses to be honest/open with you still then perhaps its worth considering whether or not he will ever change and if you're able to carry on in a relationship with these issues?

[lesliervra]

I have made it very clear! I have even given him an ultimatum! Believe me I do not think I can make it any clearer I am slowly starting to come to the realization that he will never come clean and be the man that I thought he was. Not sure where I go from here (stay for the kids or leave for my sanity). I do love him and would love to grow old with him but trust is just as important as love in a relationship and right now I am in limbo. I have no idea where to go from here

[Nats]

Sorry, how old are your children?

[Hopeless Dork]

to me they are more like brothers than potential lovers. so i think its possible that a man could just want to chat with women without any ulterior motives.

Hmmm... Paging OTYA for a mans perspective on this one, but its my understanding that how many men see friendships with females is WAY different than how some women see them.

To a woman she see's a brother type... to a guy they see a girl they haven't slept with YET....Sure there are some genuine not f-buddy friendships with males and females... but a lot of guys stuck in friend zone are just waiting for their chance to step out of that zone.

I am speaking, of course, of single, heterosexual male friends.