The Good, The Bad and ..yeah.

[Gahzilla]

Hi there!
I'll preface by stating that as you can see by my post count, I am a new member. I've lurked for a little, reading topics that have similarities to my current situation. I've grown comfortable enough to speak about them at this point.

Essentially, here is the deal. My husband of 5 years in September had moved out mid July into his own dinky apartment. He isn't cheating - if you knew him and his value on personal integrity, you'd know immediately that he's not that person. He said that he needed to get some time alone and work out his own issues, this has nothing to do with me.

Going back a few months, he comes home, tells me I'm more like a roommate than a wife to him. It sends the giant cannonball across my bow, and he was right, I gave him space due to his recent promotion and stress levels, but perhaps it was too much space (if there is such a thing)? So I re-prioritize and give him the attention that any wife would give a husband. The next month, he tells me I am too much of "a servant" - keep in mind, he got home at midnight from a 14 hour work day every day, and I wanted to make sure he at least ate appropriately so he would be ok the next day. Since I was unemployed, staying up wasn't an issue for me. I just wanted to see him.

Then he comes home and tells me he wants a divorce. I am completely shell shocked. I have been divorced before from a *very* emotionally abusive man, and while thinking about our past, I didn't see any reason for the divorce to be wanted. big fight ensues, long story short, it was his way of jarring me into realizing that he had bigger problems that went unsolved for a year. He is bad at communicating these issues, btw. We discuss him finding a male roommate or a very cheap apartment for a few months, which relieved his mind a bit and he was able to open up more to me with his concerns etc. I told him that we would not be able to afford more than 3 months maximum, as I had no job and his salary was not enough to provide what was needed (I have 2 teens from the 1st marriage btw).

He moved out on the promise of bringing me the car (ugh! we have ONE car btw) when I needed to get stuff done. He fell back on that promise repeatedly, when I would text him about events that needed transport, he would say "ok, I'll be there" but would not appear. I would go into a blind panic, then later the next day I would get a text stating he had a migraine, was in bed all weekend, will talk to me later. I do not know where he lives - he will not tell me. He's lost about 50 pounds and looks HORRIBLE - downtrodden, saggy, exhausted every time I see him.

He told me this past monday he wanted a divorce again, after promising to seek counseling and never pursue the idea of divorce again. I freaked out again on the phone - I am working 20 hrs a week at a burger joint since I can walk there, and am a full time student online. I told him that there was no way we'd be able to pay his rent and my rent, so he pulled his direct deposit from OUR bank account. I also told him I wanted the car back, as he is forcing me to break my custodial agreement.

I'm stressed to the max, I have no idea if he is worth the chase anymore. I will wind up losing my children to my exhusband - who neither like due to his attitude - and having to move into a women's shelter or whathave you, my relatives aren't able to assist me in any of this. All my friends are his friends as well, or live very far away and have limited time to communicate.

Sorry for the wall of text.

[WildChild]

Wow, there must be a lot left unsaid here, either on your part or his.
How old are your teens?
What is the relationship between him and your kids?
Were you working previously?
Aside from transportation, is there any reason that you can't work full time?
Why does he work such insanely long hours?
Do you know what the personal issues he needs to work out are?
Why is he working them out now, separately, rather than either before you married or within the marriage?
Prior to the marriage was the car yours or his?
What are you studying? Will it make you more employable?
Has he ever been married before? Any children?
Would he be willing to possibly be "roomates" for a while until you can get yourself on your feet to move out and support yourself and your kids?

[Gahzilla]

Copy/pasting so I can answer your questions

Wow, there must be a lot left unsaid here, either on your part or his.
**Agreed, there really is. I'm working on getting all the answers.

How old are your teens?
**Boy - 11, Girl - 14. they both LOVE him to death.

What is the relationship between him and your kids?
**He and the girl are insanely close, and the boy has gone from a very unsettling, hostile child to a upright, respectable young man while he's parented them.

Were you working previously?
**I was. I wound up in the Cursed Contractor's Corner for a few years, being laid off every December due to financial reasons of the companies. I was not terminated by any fault of my own.

Aside from transportation, is there any reason that you can't work full time?
**Nope, that's it. I've actually applied as a full time apartment cleaner with the complex I currently reside at. I will find out in a week or so if I can gain employment.

Why does he work such insanely long hours?
**He's been promoted to a supervisor at a third party call center, and is in line to get a few more promotions within 6 months, but the down side is that since he is such a good employee, they pile the massive loads of work on him, knowing it will be done right.

Do you know what the personal issues he needs to work out are?
**It's two-fold. First, we have our marriage: he has never been in a long term relationship prior to our marriage. Then we have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/clinical depression on his side. His previous employment was with a major agency in Europe and well, his work was not pretty. (he is from Holland)

Why is he working them out now, separately, rather than either before you married or within the marriage?
**Prior to our marriage, he lived alone. Since he is from Holland (now in America) he "self-medicated" instead of getting real help with his issues.

Prior to the marriage was the car yours or his?
**When he immigrated here, I had a car. It wound up being totaled. We bought this one and my name is primary, and according to the insurance policy AND the bank loan, the car needs to stay in my possession. I allowed him to use it because he needs to earn his salary, and we can't afford to get another car if he is living in another place.

What are you studying? Will it make you more employable?
**I am a freshman working on my BA in Psychology. I have a ton of data entry/customer service and managerial experience. Just not a ton of jobs out there for people like me currently where I live.

Has he ever been married before? Any children?
**No.

Would he be willing to possibly be "roomates" for a while until you can get yourself on your feet to move out and support yourself and your kids?
**I've tried to drive home the financial situation to him - I pay all the bills and know what is coming in and going out - and he 100% refuses to come back until he is ready, or we get divorced. I've set up spreadsheets, shown him the bank account, everything feasible. I had him sit down and take the hard numbers and figure up the finances, and he sacrificed food and school needs from the kids to buy 5+ packs of cigarettes a week. I am 100% against that. We just can't swing him being away from home in any situation. Unless he is so withdrawn and emotionally dead that he would split up my children from me. In that case, I never want to see him again.

[OhThereYouAre]

This is being caused by drugs.

He needs to seek help immediately.

[Gahzilla]

No, he's completely sober. He hasn't done anything in years, and they give drug tests frequently at his place of employment. He had one 2 weeks ago that was clean.

His citizenship depends on being clean at all times, can't see why he would even want to jeopardize that.

[OhThereYouAre]

He moved out on the promise of bringing me the car (ugh! we have ONE car btw) when I needed to get stuff done. He fell back on that promise repeatedly, when I would text him about events that needed transport, he would say "ok, I'll be there" but would not appear. I would go into a blind panic, then later the next day I would get a text stating he had a migraine, was in bed all weekend, will talk to me later. I do not know where he lives - he will not tell me. He's lost about 50 pounds and looks HORRIBLE - downtrodden, saggy, exhausted every time I see him.

Ok, but just keep that thought on the back burner. These behaviors and symptoms reek of drug bingeing.

Good luck.

[Hopeless Dork]

This is being caused by drugs.

He needs to seek help immediately.

Drugs is the first thing that came to my mind too. The weightloss, the not telling you where he lives (heck it may even be in that car for all you know, right?).

Drugs, or another woman... but if it was another woman he probably wouldn't be dropping 50 pounds.

If you are 100 percent positive its not drugs (passing drug tests mean nothing, people do it all the time -- there are ways to beat them) and sure its not another woman (integrity aside , stuff happens) then my next guess would be some sort of nervous breakdown or mental illness surfacing.

[GlitterAndStuds]

I hate to say it, but my first thought, when I read about the huge weight loss just since July, is drugs...exactly what OTYA and HD said. There are ways for people to pass drugs tests the day after, if need be. I just can't think of very many other ways for someone to lose 50 lbs. and completely break down physically so fast. If he's really not doing drugs though, do you have any kind of proof that he actually did pass those tests?

His behavior just seems very, very sketchy to me. There's more going on than what he's telling you. It's really rubbing me the complete wrong way that he's not telling you, his wife, where he lives and what's weighing on him so bad that divorce is the only option.

[Gahzilla]

He does have PTSD. I can't disclose the type of job he had in Europe, only that he dealt with a massive amount of death on a daily basis for over 7 years, most of which involved women and children. He left that job to be with me and the kids, but had no real time to transition from single guy to married man with stepkids.

I do believe that he is suffering from a nervous breakdown. Where we were able to once have productive, intelligent discussions, I now have to illustrate my thoughts with examples in order for him to understand - and even at that, he doesn't quite get it. He's a highly intelligent fellow, fluent in 4 languages, photographic memory, loved to just be together and cuddle and talk. Now, he has a problem remembering to eat, sleep, does triple the workload in comparison to his other workmates - I have friends where he works, they can attest to this. He needs to go to the doctor to fix A- his dietary condition and B - his mental condition.

What I worry about is his ability to comprehend his responsibilities within the confines of the marital and family structures. I was talking with a friend, and we agree that if it was another woman, his laundry would probably be done properly and he wouldn't have lost as much weight. I will keep drug use on the backburner mentally, but err to the side of depression.

I did have a brief discussion with him, and asked him what we needed to work on as a couple. He said that we need to work on respect for each other. I pointed out the car situation and let him know that this was an act of disrespect to me, and asked him for an example of my disrespect for him. He could come up with nothing. I let him know that I want him to get better and get his time he needs, but financially it's not feasible. We can pay for one apartment that is not month to month (like his is) and save a bit of money or pay for 2 sets of homes and wind up with me and the kids being out of a home, them living with their father. He said he wanted to keep the kids with me at all cost. So.. we'll see. It's a step, and I'm walking on glass, eggshells, fire and scorpions currently. Either way, I'm dealing with someone extremely unstable.

Thank you for your thoughts on the issue. I really do appreciate them.

[Chantalemma]

I wanted to wish you great luck and am sending you positive and great energy. Please do stand by him at these hard times. I know it is hard, but he doesn need to feel you are there but not pressuring him. Good luck and keep us posted.