He's depressed I'm angry

[rhiannon]

I have had 20 years of my husband being depressed and behaving badly.
I have loved him deeply but that is very pushed into the background now.

What I have now is workable, but tiring because of my anger at so much taken from me. So many advice areas go on endlessly about how to support a depressed husband. Well I don't buy the saintly helper stuff. I'm ANGRY.

The first stage was several years drinking with very bad verbal abuse almost every night. I'd have left but we had a small child and I was weak and ill. The drinking stopped after 5 years because he had a medical crisis.

After that he had the same rages without being drunk, though not so often: a couple of times a week. Aggressive, spiteful, self centred, very much blaming me for ANYTHING that was wrong and sometimes clearly taking pleasure in my tears and misery.
I always made it clear that any hint of this directed at our child and he was OUT.
As well I tried to help him sort out his unhappiness but a lot of this was just really a big way to get my attention like a mother. Or else it was turned round to blame me. Or there ws flat denial he had a problem. All very classic depression things.

I was still ill though slowly improving. He was a good father and I didn't want our child to be deprived. Plus when he wasn't raging he was a lovely man, devoted, loyal, and a good companion.
Except bad with money, parasitic. Made bad decisions, usually (not always) got furious if I tried to advise. I do understand it can be infuriating that I'm better with money. It was hard being forced to be the main breadwinner, plus expected to pretend we were equal.

It's now a lot better as I started a business we both work, that pays good money. He's still not good at paying his share of everything but that is quite simply less major because I can cover things myself without terrible anxiety.
I can't constantly nag on every single detail, it's too miserable for me so I just push on the main things. But I do resent it.

The rages are now only very occasional as he made heroic efforts after our young adult son faced up to him. A huge relief and to his credit.
He's now trying to sort out the mess he's made by making bad decisions. That will take time and he continues to get depressed.

We did try a therapist recently but she was utterly dreadful as she was very onesided in who she supported -him! She clearly saw him as dominated which he himself doesn't believe. She was practically flirting with him and ignored me almost completely. It was gross.
We'd both had a lot to do with counselling years ago when we met so we do know how it should be done. We weren't very trusting as we know a lot of therapy is not done well and this experience confirmed it as a risky and timewasting step to take. It's tough to open up to a stranger and risk being let down.

I have withdrawn a lot in self protection leaving him to sort himself out. If I show much affection he goes into escapism and tries to act like there's no problems to sort out. If I try to help, advise on sensible things to do he's furious, then it turns out I was right which he often admits but still won't listen to shortcut his clearup. So withdrawal works best though it leaves us both lonely.

I still hope, a little bit, that eventually he'll sort out his practical messes which would leave clear space where we could look at US. I haven't completely given up.

But I am underneath and behind it all deeply angry. A huge chunk of my life has been drained. 20 years is a lot.
I've been exploited and abused even though I fought every inch of the way every way I could. For a proud woman of independence this is a deep shame. Anger.
So many years of abuse have scarred me and diminished me. I am no longer the bright lady I was. I am still creative, still strong, but far from what I could have been. Anger.
Our child's growing up years, so precious, so irreplaceable, could have been so much better if he'd not made stupid decisions that pushed us into money survival. We could have been easym, comfortable, creative. Instead we had to live on just my resources. Anger.
Finally I am sad, so sad, that we loved each other so very much and it's come to this, a feeling of tiredness and I simply feel better when he's not around.

Many advice sites tell me to let go, not to carry the past. I do that for a while then things he does now bring it all back and I know that really I'm still hurt and angry at how much has been taken from me.
I don't know how to deal with that. I do talk to close friends sometimes but that too is temporary. I do things for myself that make me happy.
It's still there.

[Frustr8ed]

Have you thought of individual counseling, you for your anger and him for his depression? I agree that you cannot carry the past but that can't be done until he begins working on his issues.

You mentioned about paying his share. That sounds like you have never consolidated your finances. You will always have financial tension as long as you attempt to keep separate incomes and divide the bills. When you were married, you became one. That includes finances, both income and spending.

Sit him down. Praise him for his efforts in correcting his behavior and encourage him to continue and let him know you support him. Then lay down the law and let him know that verbal abuse will not be tolerated and that financial decisions will be made as a team.

[OhThereYouAre]

I have had 20 years of my husband being depressed and behaving badly.
I have loved him deeply but that is very pushed into the background now.

What I have now is workable, but tiring because of my anger at so much taken from me. So many advice areas go on endlessly about how to support a depressed husband. Well I don't buy the saintly helper stuff. I'm ANGRY.

The first stage was several years drinking with very bad verbal abuse almost every night. I'd have left but we had a small child and I was weak and ill. The drinking stopped after 5 years because he had a medical crisis.

After that he had the same rages without being drunk, though not so often: a couple of times a week. Aggressive, spiteful, self centred, very much blaming me for ANYTHING that was wrong and sometimes clearly taking pleasure in my tears and misery.
I always made it clear that any hint of this directed at our child and he was OUT.
As well I tried to help him sort out his unhappiness but a lot of this was just really a big way to get my attention like a mother. Or else it was turned round to blame me. Or there ws flat denial he had a problem. All very classic depression things.

I was still ill though slowly improving. He was a good father and I didn't want our child to be deprived. Plus when he wasn't raging he was a lovely man, devoted, loyal, and a good companion.
Except bad with money, parasitic. Made bad decisions, usually (not always) got furious if I tried to advise. I do understand it can be infuriating that I'm better with money. It was hard being forced to be the main breadwinner, plus expected to pretend we were equal.

It's now a lot better as I started a business we both work, that pays good money. He's still not good at paying his share of everything but that is quite simply less major because I can cover things myself without terrible anxiety.
I can't constantly nag on every single detail, it's too miserable for me so I just push on the main things. But I do resent it.

The rages are now only very occasional as he made heroic efforts after our young adult son faced up to him. A huge relief and to his credit.
He's now trying to sort out the mess he's made by making bad decisions. That will take time and he continues to get depressed.

We did try a therapist recently but she was utterly dreadful as she was very onesided in who she supported -him! She clearly saw him as dominated which he himself doesn't believe. She was practically flirting with him and ignored me almost completely. It was gross.
We'd both had a lot to do with counselling years ago when we met so we do know how it should be done. We weren't very trusting as we know a lot of therapy is not done well and this experience confirmed it as a risky and timewasting step to take. It's tough to open up to a stranger and risk being let down.

I have withdrawn a lot in self protection leaving him to sort himself out. If I show much affection he goes into escapism and tries to act like there's no problems to sort out. If I try to help, advise on sensible things to do he's furious, then it turns out I was right which he often admits but still won't listen to shortcut his clearup. So withdrawal works best though it leaves us both lonely.

I still hope, a little bit, that eventually he'll sort out his practical messes which would leave clear space where we could look at US. I haven't completely given up.

But I am underneath and behind it all deeply angry. A huge chunk of my life has been drained. 20 years is a lot.
I've been exploited and abused even though I fought every inch of the way every way I could. For a proud woman of independence this is a deep shame. Anger.
So many years of abuse have scarred me and diminished me. I am no longer the bright lady I was. I am still creative, still strong, but far from what I could have been. Anger.
Our child's growing up years, so precious, so irreplaceable, could have been so much better if he'd not made stupid decisions that pushed us into money survival. We could have been easym, comfortable, creative. Instead we had to live on just my resources. Anger.
Finally I am sad, so sad, that we loved each other so very much and it's come to this, a feeling of tiredness and I simply feel better when he's not around.

Many advice sites tell me to let go, not to carry the past. I do that for a while then things he does now bring it all back and I know that really I'm still hurt and angry at how much has been taken from me.
I don't know how to deal with that. I do talk to close friends sometimes but that too is temporary. I do things for myself that make me happy.
It's still there.

Don't pity yourself.

You've supported a family for 20 years.

You've done your best to stand by a man with a disease.

You've started your own business and are making an honest living.

You've raised a child.

What else do you need to say you've lived an honorable life?

Take a step forward and quit looking back.

You're gonna find soon, that life is too short to wallow in anger.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But I am underneath and behind it all deeply angry. A huge chunk of my life has been drained. 20 years is a lot.
I've been exploited and abused even though I fought every inch of the way every way I could. For a proud woman of independence this is a deep shame. Anger.
So many years of abuse have scarred me and diminished me. I am no longer the bright lady I was. I am still creative, still strong, but far from what I could have been.

You will not and shall not feel ashamed, abuse emotionally, mentally can bring you to a level you never thought you would go... I know.

I am still creative, strong but the other day I had to go through Divorce finalisation.. After using the emotional blackmail one more time, he stated, just do it.

I can't believe how strong I am .. I can recall who I was before. I am her again but just hearing those "words" I rang my family, emailed my brother, it bought me back if only for a second, till I then said pftttt..

Let no man ever, make you feel self worth.. Never.

We are beautiful, in every single way, words can't bring us down... Don't you.........

Remember.

CW