Under pressure

[paisley]

All right.

I've come to embrace my sexuality this year, inciting confidence in myself to be a smart, independent woman. Granted, I'm only 18 and a recent high school graduate with no income, but I finally feel more of an equal to my siblings and parents now that we're all "on the same page". I am the youngest of three, and for a long time the black sheep because of my political and spiritual beliefs.

This past summer I met a guy whom I've grown to adore; he's smart, he's goofy, he treats me well, and he's been a better friend than most. Perhaps his only flaw is a lack of ambition, but it's only due to a bad economy and no cooperation from his parents to help him with FAFSA so he can go to school. I offer my help and encouragement, which I think is beginning to make a difference (he's going in for placement tests today). He wants to do well, and I want him to do well. But this is not the predominant issue.

I cared enough about this guy to give my body to him for the very first time. This was my decision, he didn't pressure me into anything.
We've always used protection when we had sex, including condoms, birth control, and withdrawal. However, condoms had always been a bother to him (and it wasn't just his words, I know for a fact), so we decided that I would go on the NuvaRing provided by Planned Parenthood.
The physicians said it would take a week for the Ring to become effective, but in a moment a passion we had unprotected sex about four days after I inserted the first Ring. Although he didn't/doesn't ejaculate in me, I've always been panicky about getting pregnant, and I had let the paranoia get the best of me by taking Plan B the night after. I felt shaky and nauseous, but I managed to find tranquility after lying perfectly still and listening to my boyfriend's voice on the line.

The next few days got worse though.
One morning, I woke up to find that the family truck that I usually drive was gone. I called my dad, who has been passive-aggressive with me all summer because of my new relationship, and he tells me, "... I'm so angry with you I can't even talk to you... You need better judgement in people..." etc.
Now, my father is a Conservative Christian hermit, and we've had many arguments regarding politics and religion to the point I just don't even bother having a civil conversation with him anymore. He assumes that I'm a secular humanist which no spiritual regard or moral compass, which is far, far from the truth; no matter how many times I've tried to tell him my beliefs, he what I said and turns it around on me. He has caused me a lot of emotional scarring this way, and I've only wanted to make him happy by working hard in school and not falling into "bad crowds". I'm thankful that he and my mother taught me and my siblings common sense and ambition.

In contrast, he had taken away my truck in July for coming home late, which was never an issue before I met my boyfriend. He scolded me in hopes that I wouldn't fall in love with this boy, because I've had a bad record with boyfriends who have hurt me in the past. This is his way of showing me he cares, I guess? Needless to say, he hates my boyfriend and "thinks I could do better"; not to mention he thinks that I will ruin myself when I leave for college in a few weeks.
Anyway, after I called my dad and yelled at him for punishing me for no reason (he really didn't have a reason; I came home on time, I worked on laundry, I don't party or have been any more reckless than my siblings), I called my mom and asked her to come home. I also told her I felt nauseous and needed some kind of remedy.

She came home the same time my father did for lunch (he avoided me by sitting in the other room without even a word), and my mom sat and whispered to me, "Are you having sex with [bf]?". I was already in tears and feeling vulnerable, I couldn't lie to her. I said yes.

After my father left, we discussed everything. She was disappointed and scared for me, and told me things I never knew. She wasn't really mad, and she was grateful that I went to Planned Parenthood and got BC and took the Plan B when I did. I should've figured that asking her about nausea would trigger her thinking that I was pregnant, but after evaluation she accepted that it was the Plan B that made me sick. She still wanted me to take a pregnancy test, but the best testing time is when I'm in school across the country. I then told her that the NuvaRing had symptoms of nausea, so she's now convinced that it's the medication, not pregnancy.

We spent a lot of time together the last few days trying to get over this hump and deciding what to do; she says that she wouldn't tell my father (and I guess my father has been assuming that "[i] bring [bf] back to the house and f him on the couch when no one is home", and I've never, EVER done that, and it hurts me so much that he would say such a thing). Regrettably, she doesn't care for my boyfriend either because of what has happened, and because he hasn't been as ambitious. Regardless, she understands that I care about him and isn't urging me to break up with him, but she doesn't want to see me limit myself while I'm in Georgia because I'd be in a long-distance relationship. She believes I have the most potential of all the children to succeed in something that I love, and that "there's a whole world waiting for me". I understand this whole-heartedly.

That night I talked to my boyfriend about everything my mom and I talked about, as well as what's going to happen next. We originally planned to have a LDR since I come back in three months for a long winter break, but I felt that we had to make a compromise: If I feel the distance is too strong for me, we'll sever some ties and have our own space; if feelings are still there when I come back, then we'll go from there. He agreed to this, and he feels optimistic that we'll be okay... I really do hope so.

So now the problem lies in me: I have this overwhelming amount of nervosity and guilt, depression and fear, and overall sadness. I've only wanted to make my parents proud, as well as please myself and find love. But it's so hard to balance everything, and I've lost good friends because of my reclusiveness and fear of judgement. I'm afraid to have sex again because of what my parents may think, not to mention I haven't had access to the truck so I can't go anywhere with ease. I feel restricted.
I'm going to school in a different state with a completely different network, and I'm leaving behind a great boyfriend whom I don't want to let go.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do.




tl;dr version:
my mom found out I had sex with my boyfriend weeks before leaving for college and I just want to make her and my father happy, as well as maintain my happiness.

[prawnprincess]

Tough story. Sex can make things so scary with all of the judgement involved! (I didn't have sex until I was 22, but everything involved with it was equally traumatic left me shaken.) The good thing is that you've talked with your mom about it, and she believes in you. It sounds like you are already on track to achieve great things as you start college this year. Your mom will probably be a good resource as you start at college, and it's sounds like you can always call and talk to her without hiding things.

Starting fresh in a new place can be tough, but don't forget that you will probably meet some amazing people who will end up being friends for life! You'll probably find out that you have interests talents you never knew about. It sounds like if you get lonely, you can call your mom or your guy friend and they'll be there for you. Not having sex for a while might help you calm down about it and get your bearing. College is hard, but it can be fun, too. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things now- just trust yourself.

[prawnprincess]

I don't know why no one else posted yet. How are things going?

[WildChild]

Somehow I missed this post, guess everyone else did too. For a while there we had so many new posts it was hard to keep up with them. Guilt are fear are powerful tools and have been (and still are) used to manipulate and control people very effectively.

Your mother sounds like a compassionate, caring and sensible woman. Your dad wants what is best for you from his perspective, however narrow that may be. You have to do what is best for you and it doesn't sound like you are some wild and crazy, out of control person. I think you will find college a good and challenging experience.

Consider that you are dealing with several things all at once; your own and your parents reaction to you becoming sexually active, going to college, leaving home, changing the relationship with your bf and more. Any of this would present some adjustment and challenge, all put together feeling nervous, unsettled and anxious is perfectly normal.

This is a biggie for your parents too, their baby is leaving home. It's a big change in their lives, they are empty nesters now and having to adjust to dealing with each other and their lives in different ways. You are all going through changes, if it goes as it should, you will all grow and become better for it.

My daughter just started college too, she's not far, 10 mins away, but she is in the dorms and moving toward living her own life. As parents we should work toward helping our children into adulthood as happy, responsible, productive, caring people. Not carbon copies of ourselves but as the best they can be as themselves. Your parents may be having some difficulty with the idea of how much you are your own person but they should be proud that you are. You should be proud of that. Have you heard the Byrd's song, To Everything There is a Season? It does tell the story.

Your sex life is your own, you've got conception control, use condoms for STD control and have fun with it. It shouldn't be a source of guilt. It isn't your parents or anyone else's business beyond the health concerns. Your spirituality is your own and again, so long as you aren't engaging in behavior damaging to you or others, it is your business. I think you are astute enough to understand that guilt is a tool usually used to control people. You can use it consciously as a warning system for yourself, are you doing anything that would harm you or others? Understand that their choice to be upset isn't necessarily harm, you can be empathetic, "I'm sorry you are upset" doesn't admit wrong doing but acknowleges their feelings. I'm sure once you are settled into college, you will feel much better about all this.