Fiance with a different upbringing

[noor]

I am a 22 year old indian muslim girl. My fiance is 30 and egyptian. I was brought up to be independent while he had a traditional upbringing. He believes that the man should be the head of the house while in my house my mother manages everything including financial issues. My father never takes a decision without consulting her. My dad is not a hen pecked husband. He loves my mom very much and therefore they jointly participate in everything but my mom has the upper hand. Me and my fiance have discussed everything from budget, sex, family planning etc. When we were discussing budget I asked him would he hand over his salary to me so that I would manage the economy of the house. He said no and said he would discuss with me only about the food costs and give me only that much amount so that I could manage the food department. I was shocked as things were different at my house. He said he was brought up that way. He doesn't want me to work after marriage. I had a temperory job offer at a school and he became very angry but agreed in the end as it was temporary. He had broken up with his ex fiance as she wanted to continue working after marriage. He is a very angry man as well. I mean I do things for him. I cook for him and clean his place. He is very particular about cleanliness. And I am a bit messy. He wants everything in order. Once we were out at a hotel for dinner, he had ordered something which i didn't like. I didn't want to eat that. He kept on insisting, but i refused. Then suddenly he got angry and said how many times I've said you, eat it up. It was like a threat. I ate it. Moreover, his family except his eldest sister isn't too keen with this marriage as we are from 2 different cultures. He said they would accept as he wants to marry me. Few months ago I became friends with my ex high school teacher with whom I had a very bad relationship at school. We used to hate each other but now we are very good friends. My fiance doesn't like my friendship with him. Whenever I am with my fiance I have to think and speak. Because i don't what will make him feel bad. But with my ex teacher I can open my heart. Recently my fiance hurt me physically. He was very upset as he had a fight with his boss. I tried to cheer him up by cooking for him. He started criticising the food. I tasted it and said it was alright. He became a different man and said am i lying. Ok you eat and he fed me forcefully. I was shocked and took the dishes to the kitchen but dropped them and broke them. He got really angry and came and started shouting at me and pinned me to the wall and said the plates were really expensive. I cried and told him that you were hurting me. He then became normal. Once he saw me with my friend(my ex teacher) at a restaurant. He came and offered me a drive home. He parked the car at a secluded spot and pulled my hair and said I don't want you to hang around with your friend anymore. I was crying as I have never been hit by my parents this way. My mother spanked me the last time I was 10 and that was for studies. He then hugged me and said that he loved me and got very jealous if he saw me with another man.
In my family all couples go for pre marital counselling whether the marriage is love or arranged. When I asked him to go for it he refused. He said in Egypt they don't do this. It is useless. When we get married we will learn all the physical, emotional and financial aspects of a marriage. My parents are insisting on it and I keep making excuses that he's busy at work, therfore can't make up an appointment. My friend said that to know if a person is right for you just close your eyes and imagine do u want this person to be the father of your kids and spend the next 30 years with him. If it feels ok then go ahead otherwise no. He says your spouse is the 1st thing u'll see every morning and the last thing when you go to bed and you'll probably dream about him. He's always trying to discourage me from going further with this marriage by saying that we have different upbringings and there will be clashes as my fiance wants to dominate. The thing is when I closed my eyes I imagined life with my friend and his daughter. I immediately opened my eyes and felt guilty about imagining a relationship with my friend. He's a divorcee and is going through rough times due to custodial issues and we've come very close. I am confused. Was this my conscience telling me that there is something more than friendship in my heart for my friend? I really feel guilty whenever I meet my fiance. I feel as if I am cheating him. I am so confused.

[HALFNOTHING]

Recently my fiance hurt me physically.

I will definitely say NO to this man.. Egyptian is known to be the first to know Islamic Law by the name of Moses.. So, in this matter, he knows that no men allowed to hurt women in any means except if he sees with his two eyes that his wife is making sex with other. based on this, you're not his wife.. and if so, you've done nothing.. and if so, if he is your husband and he had caught you, he and his relatives and your relatives must throw stones while tied up in the land at you two till death.. he has no right to hurt you physically.. isn't that a bad sign to you?

im in United arab emirates right now, working here.. so i met a lot of egyptian and i heard a lot about them.. they are known to be a brutal and high temper with no reason..

about money, have you imagine living with him, controlling you? and then if he's not satisfied, he will injured you and say sorry after?.. abusive will remain abuse.. if he's hurting you before marriage, he will have the right to hurt you after marrying you. As if in islam like buying the girl by means of dowry...

as soon as possible, run away from this man.. i completely disagree.. just an advise from a friend.. its come from my heart..

[WildChild]

I agree with Baby, this man is abusive, controlling and unreasonable. If he is this way prior to marriage it will only get worse with marriage. My guess would be that he would get you back to his city and you would find yourself essentially a prisoner and you could indeed find yourself in a dire situation.

Yes it does sound like you deeper feelings for your freind.
Why would you want to be with a man who has you in tears and fear so often? Are you aware that according to the World Health Organization figures, over 77% of Egyptian woman have undergone female gential mutilation? Over 60% before the age of 3? If you marry this man and have a daughter(s) how would you feel if he insisted on this?

Someone who force feeds you has serious control issues. Don't walk, Run from this. End it Now! Do not be alone with him. I knew a woman who was engaged to a man from the same place with a similar sounding temperment, who tried to end her engagement and he raped her to get her to marry him. Because culturally once that happened she knew no one else whould marry her and he threatened to announce it to the community, she married him. She was miserable, the man had raped her, you can imagine what her life was like knowing what your fiancee is like. Then she spent a long time trying to get a divorce. He refused to pronounce a divorce which forced her to court and well -was a mess. And she was still her own country.

With the right person this might be OK but with his attitude and temper, you are headed for trouble with this.

[GlitterAndStuds]

I agree. I know it's never easy to think that you shouldn't be with someone, especially if you have plans to marry them. But I read through your whole post and actually felt scared for you. This will only get worse... he's already controlling enough, imagine how bad it will be if/when you get married. I'm sorry but, whether or not he was brought up a certain way, a man will NEVER lay a hand on a woman that way if he truly loves her.

It scares me even more to imagine you having children with him. If he's this way with you, how will he be when they make him angry? Not to mention that since you guys have such different views on how marriage works, you will probably not agree on how to raise the kids either.

My blunt, unbiased opinion? You should run, not walk, away from this man and never turn around.

[LanaBear]

Oh man - you need to run run run far far away! You will never be allowed to be your own person with this guy and that is no way to live the rest of your life!

[rcoreyus]

There is no reason you should put up with this. He physically and verbally abuses you and wants to limit your freedom. I do not know anything about Egyptian culture but this does not sound like your culture.

If your parents question why you want to end the engagement tell them that he hit you.

I know there are differences in how cultures think women should be treated, but any culture that allows men to beat their wives is a culture of cowards and does not belong in the civilized world.

[Joy]

He has anger issues and will use fear to control you. If you do love him and you do whole heartedly want to go thru with this then put your foot down and make sure you go thru with the premaritial counselling......... if he won't then NO GO.

Once you are married he will figure you have no say its his way or the highway.... if you do love him then work this out before you ever walk down the isle. Make his see that the words that come out of your mouth have just as much weight and value as his.

If you are scared and can't open your heart up to your fiance now but can some other man doesn't that send warning bells off in your head?

[noor]

I am reluctant of breaking up with him because we have been together since I was 16 and it took a very long time to convince my parents about him. I had broken up with my boyfriend who was 18 to be with him. He was a family friend and he told my parents about my new boyfriend. Before they thought that it was an infatuation and didn't want me to have a relationship with an older man. But I met him behind their backs. When I was 20 they came to know that I was still dating him secretly and it took me months to convince them. Finally they gave in and we got engaged on condition that I keep my indian nationality and not take up the egyptian nationality because egyptian divorce law is very difficult for women as egypt follows a different school of islamic thought. Moreover my mom is pregnant and has heart disease and it might harm her health if I broke up with him. Also it is not easy to break up with a partner of 6 years for whom you gave up your best friend who was your first love, and had constant arguments with parents.

He was always jealous of my male friends in school and college but was never this jealous as he is with my friend now. I think he feels insecure. I feel terribly guilty because I think he senses that I may have feelings for my friend. In the past whenever I had serious problems with my ex teacher he had supported me. So he was really shocked when he came to know that we had become friends. His abusive behavior began towards me only after this new friend came into the picture.

Now my parents treat him as a son as he is very good to them. Yesterday he took me for dinner at the hotel where we had our first date as it was our anniversary of our first date which I had forgotten. All thoughts of breaking up with him vanished and I think that I should give him a second chance. I asked him for the pre marital counselling again and he said would you break up with me if the counsellor tells us we are not right for each other and forget the past 6 years of our relationship but he agreed to go for counselling. I know that my parents will support me as long they are alive. They will stand by me if anything goes wrong after marriage.

I have spoken to his sister about his behavior(though I didn't tell her that he pulled my hair as that would have involved telling her about my new friend) and she said when they were young he used to always fight with them and hurt them verbally and physically but would make up later by apologising.

[Kakie]

I asked him for the pre marital counselling again and he said would you break up with me if the counsellor tells us we are not right for each other and forget the past 6 years of our relationship but he agreed to go for counselling. I know that my parents will support me as long they are alive. They will stand by me if anything goes wrong after marriage.

every part of me is telling me that you should leave this man. you should never have to put up with being hurt, physically or emotionally.
however, you seem very determined not to leave him, for whatever reason. so i think counselling is a very positive step for you both. for him to work on his anger issues and jealousy.
i'd be lying if i said i thought he will ever change, but maybe i am too cynical. i hope he does change.
if he doesnt, then please, leave this man.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

became a different man and said am i lying. Ok you eat and he fed me forcefully. I was shocked and took the dishes to the kitchen but dropped them and broke them. He got really angry and came and started shouting at me and pinned me to the wall and said the plates were really expensive. I cried and told him that you were hurting me

His sister says he is not a different man.. This is what he was like with them, emotionally and physically.. ABUSIVE. ALL his life... He showed you what you can expect in marriage...

i have spoken to his sister about his behavior(though I didn't tell her that he pulled my hair as that would have involved telling her about my new friend) and she said when they were young he used to always fight with them and hurt them verbally and physically but would make up later by apologizing.

All abusive people "apologize" and then do it again, and again, and again and then comes the fist...

His abusive behavior began to wards me only after this new friend came into the picture

So what was his reasons for being physically abusive to his family when he grew up? It's in his blood.. Any trigger and it will happen.

They will stand by me if anything goes wrong after marriage.

They would stand by you now before marriage and be up-set if you married and then told them and asked for help and made it worse, remember, they were worried about the laws of Marriage...

Moreover my mom is pregnant and has heart disease and it might harm her health if I broke up with him. Also it is not easy to break up with a partner of 6 years for whom you gave up your best friend who was your first love,

It would harm her more after marriage and then you asked for help if you think about it.

when I closed my eyes I imagined life with my friend and his daughter. I immediately opened my eyes and felt guilty about imagining a relationship with my friend. He's a divorce and is going through rough times due to custodial issues and we've come very close. I am confused.

This is the person you love and want to be with.. This is the person you should be with.. This is your heart. The above is because of your family and guilt and nothing more...

Time to be honest.

With yourself.
With your family.
With him.

Ask yourself, if he would therefore hurt your 2 year old child that you have together when he gets mad and shakes the baby because he's been bad and dropped a plate and then your baby dies.

I am sorry to say this.

But, this is what may happen.. He has ALWAYS been abusive, this will not change.

Often the signs do not show until Marriage because then they have control and they hide deliberately before Marriage so that they can get you and then you are theirs, they have all the control.

He will continue to "force feed you " and tell you what to eat, to belittle you so that you succumb to his wishes and desires, he will be in control.

The Counseling is to ensure that you take the next step and also because he owns you and wants to makes sure that continues.

SPEAK TO YOUR FAMILY.

Do not marry this person please.

CW