I think I caught him cheating

[confusedinthemidwest]

Hello,

The other day my husband and I were cleaning our garage and I was going through a box of his things and came across a card. The envelope simply said To-You From-Me. Inside the card someone had written note basically saying they were glad that the relationship would now focus on the positive not the negative and that they would adjust their attitude and learn to have patientce sp? and that they are excited about what the future holds for their relationship.Have a great night at work. (He used to work nights) Now the problem is the card is not from me and it does not look like his writing. Mind you all of this stuff in the box belonged to him and I found a Christmas card that his employees had given him that was in that same box as well so my thought is he was/is cheating with someone at his job. When I confronted him he said he had no idea where the card came from. He looked me dead in the eye when he was talking, but you must understand that due to the nature of his job he knows the signs of lying so part of me believes that he may have been trying to mask that because normally liers will not look you in the eye.I told him do you expect me to believe that this random card somehow got in OUR garage when everything else in the garage belongs to us. He said even though we are having marital problems he would not do that and that if he was doing that he would have left a long time ago. My gut is telling me something is not right. Sorry for the long rant.


Please help

[Chantalemma]

I would site down with him and talk. you marriage depends on it. You won't be able to sleep at night or feel good or trust him. He needs to be honest with you. You deserve atleast that much. Personally, it isin't looking good. I would have thought the same thing.

[GlitterAndStuds]

The first thing I wondered was "how can he not have any idea where the card came from if it's mixed in with YOUR stuff?" up until you said it. You're right though, it had to get in there somehow. I agree with Chantelemma, you need to sit him down and tell him to be completely honest with you. He even said you guys were having problems with your marriage at that time. It's going to eat you alive if you don't address it.

[Gahzilla]

Well, it *could* be that the card was meant for someone else, and somehow it wound up in his pile of cards. If it doesn't directly address him, it's kind of hard to have a "smoking gun" evidence-wise.

Not much you can do about the past, catching and frying- so to speak - a cheater needs to be done in the present. I knew my first husband was cheating and he had a porn addiction, so the signs were big and ugly. But something like this, unless you see it in the immediate future, it's really hard to peg. He may very well have cheated long ago, but you gotta ask yourself if the marriage is worth maybe going to counseling for, and a deeper introspective into your relationship as a couple.

So, unfortunately there is no real "yes he did!" or "no he didn't!" answer.

[WildChild]

You have no way of knowing how old this card is? Could it be from long ago and he's forgotten it? Work on whatever issues you Know you have, In the absence of anything else to support this, I'd leave it alone.

[Kakie]

could it have been from before you two got together perhaps?
if not, then yeah, definitely sit down and talk to him about it, because it seems a bit of a shaky story in my personal opinion. i may be naturally cynical but it would seem a massive fluke for a card meant for someone else to have gotten into your stuff and nobody to have noticed..
the thing also is, if it does turn out that he had an affair, you need to decide whether or not you can forgive that, or if it will finish your relationship.
good luck!

[confusedinthemidwest]

Thank you all for your replies and perspective, just to give you some background we have been married 14 years (our wedding anniversary is this week ironically) and together for a total of 18 years. I don't necessarily believe it was from a previous relationship before us just due to the length of time we have been together and all of the stuff in the box was fairly recent ie, within the last 2 to 3 years. The thing is if he did have an affair he knows that its "game over" for me, ie I would divorce him. That is one of the few things I will not tolerate nor will I forgive and he knows that. He continues to maintain his stance that he is not guilty of anything and he stated he is not going to admit to something he did not do. But I can't get rid of my gut feeling and we all know that saying about trusting your instincts.............

[WildChild]

Understand the gut feelings, however there is also the thing of people meeting your expectations and if he feels he's been tried and convicted, that may push him to go further than he actually has.

[Kakie]

i dont think that you should ignore your instincts, but then at the same time i don't see how you can gain 'proof' about what has happened.. it is a tricky one.. is he still at this same night job?.. i guess its easier said than done but i think you either need to decide one way or the other whether you believe him or not, and stick with that, because otherwise the constant doubt and nagging questions will drive you insane.. or you can carry on in your relationship but keep your queries about him in mind and proceed with caution, always being wary... neither are ideal i guess. its a horrible situation. i hope it clears itself up for you

[rcoreyus]

I can't see a married man keeping something like that around if he was cheating. Of course he might be, but maybe it did get mixed up there from someone else.

I sometimes think about how easy it would be to break up a lot of people's relationships with a dropped card, a few text messages, phone calls, etc. I wonder if people ever do that?