Oscillation from Dissociativeness to Neediness

[momopi]

I posted this in another thread:

This is my problem too.

I have lots of acquaintances but very few close friends. Maybe less than 5? and we rarely see each other because of the distance and difference in lifestyle. I also have a not-so-good relationship with my family. (We're just a normal nuclear family. No divorce, abuse etc. It's just that we're emotionally estranged to each other. Too much difference in values.)

So when I get close to a guy, all those things I missed out on - emotionally intimacy, affection, attention, assurance, emotional support - I look for all these in him.

I know I should be busy and I already am. I have a gazillion of interests and things going on for me. Most people tell me I'm independent. But once I feel that tinge of closeness, I start to crave it. I demand more and more - until I push him away. I recently realize that this is the pattern of my interactions with men and some female friends for more than 10 years.

Help me break my bad habit!

I have somewhat of a problem when it comes to attachment. Growing up without a lot of affection, attention, reassurance, emotional support and understanding from family and peers, I became somewhat very independent. I have no problem doing things alone. (I even lived alone abroad.) I have no issues doing things on my own. I have become too used to this to the point that I’m over-protective of my privacy and alone time.

The problem is – when I meet someone who’s slightly interested and feel a bit of those things I missed out on, I transform into someone emotionally dependent. I demand the other to give me lots of attention, to be affectionate, to be unconditionally understanding and supportive, to reassure me of my worthiness and attractiveness, etc. I get so attached even when there is no relationship, only mild attraction. (I will weave the relationship inside my head to console my poor heart though.) This is not gender-bound. Of course, it happens more within male-female dynamic wherein we’re both attracted to on another, but it can also happen in some of my female-female, male-female, female-third gender friendships.

Sometimes, I would feel easy and desperate because even if the guy didn't give enough effort, I still go on being so giving and affectionate to him just to maintain that little tinge of intimacy I felt. Fortunately, this (emotional dependence to the guy I'm romantically attracted to) only happens once a year or every two years. But still, I feel embarrassed enough to the point that I would rather not see them again for the fear of being called psycho.

(Example? There was one time where I lost 10 lbs because I found out that the guy I like for a year is suddenly dating someone new. And it was Christmas time!!! And yes, I was silly enough to announce this to him and all my other drama and feelings of unworthiness by sending him letters, texting and calling him several times a day. And yes, he was unresponsive and just told me that he didn't know what to say anymore.)

This, along with my other insecurities (which you can find in this thread), has been destructive both to myself and to my friendships/relationships. Before, my drama was “ Why am I always left alone? Why do they always go away?” Now I realize that it was my pattern of neediness and lack of confidence fort he last decade and a half that drove them away. (I’m in my mid-20s right now.)

As of the moment, I am perfectly aware of my situation. But like other women, my feelings sometimes cloud my judgment and reason when I’m back at a similar situation.

I find it difficult to seek help and be totally open about this to my friends and counselor. They just won't believe it. I have this snobbish, take-no- aura that I project on a daily basis and they can't understand why on earth I could be emotionally dependent. However, I'm making efforts to be more open about it so others can call on it if ever I go needy and desperate again.

I feel so emotionally unstable. I tried going to the doctor but I've been advised by the doctor that when it comes to problems like this, meds won't really solve anything. They could make my nerves and brain chemicals more stable but there is no guarantee that I would feel better as a person. He said I have a bit of a mood disorder but never labeled me as bipolar, borderline or anything. He said I just need more friends to open up to and regular counseling.

I know in the end it will be up to me and how I manage my emotions but for the moment… give me some support and advise on how to cope up with this.

Help me break my destructive habit.

[momopi]

*whew*

I let it out. I feel a bit better.

[WildChild]

I don't think this is really unusual, certainly not your reaction to being dumped on the holidays. Do work on developing some friendships, you don't need dozens, just a few gfs you can do things with and talk with. It will make a real difference for you

[Little]

You sound like my twin. It usually manifests in my female/female relationships, though.
I'll have a best friend for 2-3 months (infatuation stage.) I want to be around her every waking second, eat, study, work, class, whatever (especially if I'm single.) I'll tell her everything, trust her with everything, etc etc. And then suddenly I feel like I've just got to be alone and I don't want to tell her, don't want to take her phone calls, think she's acting crazy, the list goes on.
If I'm lucky, life intervenes and I get busy, or we graduate from college, or I find a boyfriend, and we skip this unhappy stage where I'm ignoring phone calls.
The only thing I have thought to do is just fight it. When I'm feeling like I just want to be alone or for her to leave me alone, I compromise. I don't want to hang out tonight, but let's get lunch tomorrow. Otherwise it turns into a long line of nos.
My best friend from high school told me that I have a "shield," like an outer shell that most people can't see through. That take-no-____ you talked about. Only my "real" friends get through to the me who is nicer and more emotional. And guess what ...
They like that "me" better. A lot better. But it's scary to let people in that far.
Take it one step at a time, one relationship at a time. The next time you get infatuated with somebody, watch for the signs of pushing them away and don't let them happen.
Good luck, let us know how it works out

[momopi]

I don't think this is really unusual, certainly not your reaction to being dumped on the holidays. Do work on developing some friendships, you don't need dozens, just a few gfs you can do things with and talk with. It will make a real difference for you

Yes... I need the support system of female friends...

Now, where to find them...

You sound like my twin. It usually manifests in my female/female relationships, though.
I'll have a best friend for 2-3 months (infatuation stage.) I want to be around her every waking second, eat, study, work, class, whatever (especially if I'm single.) I'll tell her everything, trust her with everything, etc etc. And then suddenly I feel like I've just got to be alone and I don't want to tell her, don't want to take her phone calls, think she's acting crazy, the list goes on.
If I'm lucky, life intervenes and I get busy, or we graduate from college, or I find a boyfriend, and we skip this unhappy stage where I'm ignoring phone calls.
The only thing I have thought to do is just fight it. When I'm feeling like I just want to be alone or for her to leave me alone, I compromise. I don't want to hang out tonight, but let's get lunch tomorrow. Otherwise it turns into a long line of nos.
My best friend from high school told me that I have a "shield," like an outer shell that most people can't see through. That take-no-____ you talked about. Only my "real" friends get through to the me who is nicer and more emotional. And guess what ...
They like that "me" better. A lot better. But it's scary to let people in that far.
Take it one step at a time, one relationship at a time. The next time you get infatuated with somebody, watch for the signs of pushing them away and don't let them happen.
Good luck, let us know how it works out

I've been told that I have a shield too. My former roommate told me that I build a hard thick wall around my soft myself that when I try to reveal myself, I get all vulnerable! >___<

Too much intimacy then sudden distance = happens in my female/female friendships

Distance then suffocating attachment = happens in my interaction with males