I hit a bump and im not sure where...

[tasha1133]

Hi I've been on this site for a month or so and I previously told you all of the issues me and my husband have been going through.

For those who haven't read my posts before, my husband and I went through a rough patch when we had infidelity and trust issues that came between us, it has been a year since and we have been working this out, and so far, we have had our ups and downs along the way especially when things that happened in the past have been brought up.

Anyway to get to the point, a couple of days ago, we had a weepy confrontation, nothing new in terms of what it was about but i guess it was just old stuff that was brought up again. We got over that and things have been alright since, but i am bothered by my husband's behavior this morning.

Last night, I was working from home on my computer and It was late when i finally finished what i was doing, I found my H, outside sitting on the sofa, making his lesson plans (hes a professor) and i came over, i apologized for taking longer than i thought i would and for ignoring him, and although i knew he was a little annoyed my apology seemed to fix things and he put away his stuff and cuddled. One thing led to another and we eventually ended up having really really great sex (twice) and I fell asleep in my husbands arms.

(Hes an insomniac so he probably fell asleep much later than me if not at all I'm not sure) But what was so shocking was that in the middle of the night he tried to instigate another round of sex, and i think (its a little fuzzy, i'm quite a heavy sleeper) i said no.

this morning he woke me up with breakfast in bed and he even drove me to work, but something wasn't right, he said not a word to me and he was just plain giving me the cold shoulder. You see my H is a very lively person, and silence such as this usually means something is wrong where he is concerned. And i asked him if he got upset because I refused him in teh middle of the night. He says its not that. but I can sense this dark cloud over us, something isnt right and I canot for the life of me figure it out.

I hope some of you could shed light on me because i'm just feeling really uneasy, like waiting for a storm to hit, but i cant figure out what could have brought it on.

I got an IM from him on my pc saying
"Hope you're okay. gonna try and grab a bit of sleep . will be leaving for School later. thinking of coming back later tonight but not really sure."

(He usually stays over night at the teachers housing at the uni on Tuesdays and Thursdays because the campus is an hour away from where we live and his classes are at 7 in the morning the next day.) so there is nothing unusual about this)

my reply:

"I'm ok, I wish you weren't so cold and nonchalant this morning. Doesn't make me feel good about starting off my day at all. feels like there's a dark cloud. But anyway,yes, try and get some sleep. I'm around all day so you can buzz me anytime and I'll just be around tonight too if you decide to come home"

"ok i need to sleep now."

and that was our recent exchange, i know maybe to some its nothing but this is just so unlike our normal convo's even after we've had a fight were sweeter and more expressive than this.

I dunno what I'm looking for but maybe i just needed to let it out.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

"Hope your ok"

"Thinking about coming home"

They are positive things in relatity are they not?

Based on the context of your thread...

If he didn't care he woudn't say the first line and if he didn't "miss" you he wouldn't say the second line, rather stay away as he ususally does and sleep there.

I can't recall what happened with you two, only something about a friend a kiss I think that was it though wasn't it?

This constant bringing it up is not going to set anything smoothly though, weeping times or angry times over the event, you have to let it all pass.

He may have felt that sex was "intimate", "beautiful" and hense went again and hense tried again later, it felt good to be inside you, the love... Once heated passion is over it's over, you were sleeping so it's not that, he wanted to "feel"...

Have you been avoiding sex with him often? Could this be it? Even though you were asleep, you rejected him "again?"...

Can only guess here sweet.

I think your answer back should have been along the lines of..

"Thanks for asking, nice to know you miss me, if your not tired, definately drive home, I miss you, thanks for last night it was beautiful".

See what I'm saying?

I think he feels rejected.

CW

[just a little more]

This may not be an answer at all, but since he is an insomniac, he probably dwells on a lot of things frequently. Lack of sleep is very brutal on the mind, and not having that time of rest can bring up unpleasant memories. He really should try and do something about his insomnia. It would probably help quite a bit.

I have to agree with CW. He probably just needs reassurance. Make sure to show him constant love and acceptance. Which I'm sure is what you truly feel, but he needs to hear it, and feel it. (As CW has mentioned.)

Since this is the first post I've seen of yours, I don't really have a good idea of the whole situation, so I can't give a truly good reply. Hope this helps even a little.

[tasha1133]

"I can't recall what happened with you two, only something about a friend a kiss I think that was it though wasn't it?"


"Have you been avoiding sex with him often? Could this be it? Even though you were asleep, you rejected him "again?"..."



I think your answer back should have been along the lines of..

"Thanks for asking, nice to know you miss me, if your not tired, definately drive home, I miss you, thanks for last night it was beautiful".

See what I'm saying?

I think he feels rejected.

CW

First of all yes, that was the original issue.

secondly, Yes and No, we have sex everyday, but the thing is my husband has always had a really high sex drive, and sometimes even if we've already done it that night a few hours later (or less) hes ready to go again, and if I'm not tired I'm up for it myself. I really do enjoy sex with him, but sometimes I do say no because I'm tired or I feel like i need to rest because of work the next morning. I have never said no out of spite maybe just out of being tired or because I just cant match his drive. ( I don't think hes ever taken it against me before so I can't see why he would now) I'm not sure.

And lastly, yes I never thought of it that way, If i were a little more understanding and a little less defensive (if you can call it that) maybe things wouldn't get so out of hand. I never thought about it that way, but if he is feeling rejected because of my actions, then yes it would explain a lot of things.

Thanks for the advice, sometimes I need to have things pointed out even if its quite obvious.

[tasha1133]

This may not be an answer at all, but since he is an insomniac, he probably dwells on a lot of things frequently. Lack of sleep is very brutal on the mind, and not having that time of rest can bring up unpleasant memories. He really should try and do something about his insomnia. It would probably help quite a bit.

This is something that he has admitted to me before, that things he'd rather not think about come rushing in at night. Problem is he's been an insomniac since he was a kid, his mother is an insomniac too. so how do we address that?

[tasha1133]

update: we have decided to get counseling. things aren't right, we both want to fix things. but neither of us know how and where to start. so we decided to get help.

[WildChild]

Good for you, you are taking positive steps. Just remember counselors are people and you'll connect with some better than others. You have to meet and interveiw them and chose one the two of you feel comfortable will help you move forward.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Second that, it's fantastic that you both care enough to establish life's little problems and sort them out.

Good for you both...

It's never easy maintaining a relationship, like everything - it's work

I tend to think, that "words" are the key to alot, it's how you express and say things that make all the difference sometimes.

Take care and let us know how you go.

CW

[tasha1133]

We haven't had our first session yet, but things have gone from bad to worse, Just when I thought things could be better because we talked, the last few days have proven to be a nightmare. We have had countless fights , none have resolved anything. I am NOT happy (it seems like the time bomb waiting to explode has exploded) and I don't know what to do anymore. I don’t even know where to start, sharing, I just feel empty. I thought we were on the right track. I just hope seeing a counselor will help. I an sorry too to have wasted your time.

[tasha1133]

things are slightly better. He brought home flowers last night which was a really good sign. I thanked him, but we never talked after. I don't think either of us knew what else to say. we just both went to bed without saying anything. we just both looked at each other i was almost in tears and he looked pained too.
we washed dressed and went to bed and went through the usual routines this morning. we just don't know how to set things right. I'm not sure what to say, i don't want to say anything wrong and set off the misunderstandings again.