Porn and addiction

[laurabeth]

My husband has a highly addictive personality, and it's caused us problems hundreds of times in the 5 years we've been married. His main vices are computer games (role playing games similar to WOW), and pornography. But anything he starts doing he does in extremes. This includes things that might normally seem healthy such as exercise. He decided he wanted to lose weight this summer so he practically starved himself, exercised every day and lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks. Sometimes his sudden passions cost us financially. He has to buy equipment (weight equipment, music equipment) or subscriptions, or new versions of games.

Anyway, it's the porn thing that continually makes my heart sink into my stomach. I understand the physiological thing behind guys and porn, but for him it's nearly EVERY DAY. I'm serious. It's constant. And we have sex a lot. In fact, we had sex twice today & I still found porn on the computer. I just don't get it. And I find it disgusting! If it was occasional that would be one thing, but this is just so gross. It's such a turn off in every way. I think less of him. I find him less attractive. And I feel like I love him less for it.

My reactions have varied over the years, from extremes to just trying not to care or noticed. His reactions to mine have also varied from outright lying, to making excuses, to promising to quit, and of course getting mad at ME. Nothing ever changes though.

So, I guess I just want to hear what other women do, what their husbands do {are there really men out there who DON'T look at porn? if there are, I suppose they're all taken }, and most of all--what do I do??

It doesn't seem to make a difference how much this breaks my heart. He just doesn't give it a rest. He's told me a few times how devastating it would be for him if I ever cheated on him. He describes how he would feel: sick, depressed, even suicidal. What he doesn't fully comprehend is that I'VE felt all of those things because of HIM and this behavior. Why doesn't that matter to him?

[Gahzilla]

In his mind, since he can't physically enjoy what he is watching, then it's not cheating. There is also a possibility that he has a Voyeuristic Fetish - he needs to watch others "doing it" in order to feel a degree of arousal. Sounds like he has always had superficial, immediate wants taken care of, but he's never really learned who he is and what the purpose is to his life beyond the immediate "feel good now" things.

Another thing, how did he grow up? Did he stop maturing mentally at a certain phase? This is teenage-like behavior.

[Hopeless Dork]

I can understand your words, it being a turn off, it making him less attractive, it causing you to love him a little less. I feel those all of those ranges of emotions at time with guy's occasional porn watching.

Men don't see it as cheating, its only looking. I see it as a desire, lust , a longing to be with someone else -- if that person they are drooling over WERE right in front of them, would they say no? Is the only thing keeping it a fantasy the fact that its out of their reach... thats what breaks my heart about it.

Especially when I find him looking at just pictures of girls, it makes me feel inadequate. He'd rather stare at some girl that would never talk to him in her panties than focus on the one that give him the moon and the stars to make him happy sexually.

All he can tell me is that its not like that, he doesn't look because he is unhappy, its just flesh... I am the only one he desires. I call BS on that... but most of the time I just don't think about it and I'm fine.

I've considered leaving him over it, and the thought occurs now and then... if he isn't happy with what he has and is needing to look at others - wtf am I there for. Let him look look look all he wants and not have me to be there being hurt over it. Win-Win.

But I love him so much, and he treats me so well. He's curbed his viewing to where its not in my face at all anymore... occasionally there are the tell tale signs he's been looking at it... and my heart sinks, as yours does.

I am in a place right now where I am trying to not take it personally, because if I keep taking it that way, keep feeling inadequate about it... I'll end our relationship. So until I decide I've had enough of feeling not good enough I'll stick it out, because he's awesome.

[stressed]

I still believe that if porn hurts your feelings and he does nothing about it then he insults you on purpose by acting selfishly. I don't understand how a man who claims he loves you can do that repeatedly. Ok, I can understand it after 10-20 years of living together, it can be good for both, but when one of the two is so against it then why does the other have to continue? And why is it that it's 99% the women who have to adjust to it instead of the men?
Men seem to think that as long as they don't touch they don't cheat. Porn is not cheating but it can be hurtful.

HD: have you told him your thoughts about leaving him if he continues with porn?

The positive side of it is that even though you know he's been watching it, if he's behaving 100% while he's with you and is a gentleman then you can let him be. You can take it as letting him do something for himself, as long as he doesn't overdo it. If you decide to go this way then I'd suggest you start watching porn too and let him know about it.

I also believe that when you have everything you want then you don't need to look at anything else, either physically or emotionally. There's enough of flesh everywhere you look, we don't have to bring it into our homes too.

[stressed]

And another thing, when they stare at nude/half nude pics and browse them...I mean, what if such a person would cross the street, or what if you have a friend who looks like her? Does that mean we have to wonder if he's going to have the same thoughts in such a case too? Then he'd be sitting right next to you and fantasize about having sex with the person in front of you. Nasty.

[OhThereYouAre]

I can understand your words, it being a turn off, it making him less attractive, it causing you to love him a little less. I feel those all of those ranges of emotions at time with guy's occasional porn watching.

Men don't see it as cheating, its only looking. I see it as a desire, lust , a longing to be with someone else -- if that person they are drooling over WERE right in front of them, would they say no? Is the only thing keeping it a fantasy the fact that its out of their reach... thats what breaks my heart about it.

Especially when I find him looking at just pictures of girls, it makes me feel inadequate. He'd rather stare at some girl that would never talk to him in her panties than focus on the one that give him the moon and the stars to make him happy sexually.

All he can tell me is that its not like that, he doesn't look because he is unhappy, its just flesh... I am the only one he desires. I call BS on that... but most of the time I just don't think about it and I'm fine.

I've considered leaving him over it, and the thought occurs now and then... if he isn't happy with what he has and is needing to look at others - wtf am I there for. Let him look look look all he wants and not have me to be there being hurt over it. Win-Win.

But I love him so much, and he treats me so well. He's curbed his viewing to where its not in my face at all anymore... occasionally there are the tell tale signs he's been looking at it... and my heart sinks, as yours does.

I am in a place right now where I am trying to not take it personally, because if I keep taking it that way, keep feeling inadequate about it... I'll end our relationship. So until I decide I've had enough of feeling not good enough I'll stick it out, because he's awesome.

You mentioned in a post yesterday about your personal porn preferences. How come you are allowed watching porn, but your guy isn't?

Not attacking- just asking.

[OhThereYouAre]

And another thing, when they stare at nude/half nude pics and browse them...I mean, what if such a person would cross the street, or what if you have a friend who looks like her? Does that mean we have to wonder if he's going to have the same thoughts in such a case too? Then he'd be sitting right next to you and fantasize about having sex with the person in front of you. Nasty.

Stressed - women can do the same things you described above.

No one can help what they are attracted to.

[Hopeless Dork]

You mentioned in a post yesterday about your personal porn preferences. How come you are allowed watching porn, but your guy isn't?

Not attacking- just asking.

I've stated for the record on a few threads my hypocritical views on porn It does NOT hurt myfeelings when he watches sex porn, or gets turned on by watching people in various states of arrousal and sexual activity.

We even watch that together. I feel like its the acts and the energy that are the turn on -- it doesn't make me feel inadequate , even if the girls are 10x hotter than me in the depicted scenes.

However... him just looking at glossy glamour shot still pictures of girls in various states of undress -- is the kind of porn that hurts my feelings. It's the mildest porn there is... but to me the most insulting. Looking at a picture of a girl, just a girl by herself , not even all the way naked -- it breaks my heart because it feels like he's picking a particular person , just the person to fantasize about.

So what other fantasy can there be but touching or being with THAT person when you are looking at a gallery of their pictures?

That is my stance on it. I don't pull up pictures of guys just pictures, and fantasize to them... never would.

[OhThereYouAre]

I've stated for the record on a few threads my hypocritical views on porn It does NOT hurt myfeelings when he watches sex porn, or gets turned on by watching people in various states of arrousal and sexual activity.

We even watch that together. I feel like its the acts and the energy that are the turn on -- it doesn't make me feel inadequate , even if the girls are 10x hotter than me in the depicted scenes.

However... him just looking at glossy glamour shot still pictures of girls in various states of undress -- is the kind of porn that hurts my feelings. It's the mildest porn there is... but to me the most insulting. Looking at a picture of a girl, just a girl by herself , not even all the way naked -- it breaks my heart because it feels like he's picking a particular person , just the person to fantasize about.

So what other fantasy can there be but touching or being with THAT person when you are looking at a gallery of their pictures?

That is my stance on it. I don't pull up pictures of guys just pictures, and fantasize to them... never would.

Got it.

But - softcore porn, hardcore porn, whatever. I think you're drawing a distinction that shouldn't even exist.

Hardcore Porn-
If you or he are watching two people having sex, what other fantasy can there be but you or him thinking that you are the one(s) having sex or participating in whatever with the subject(s)? Wouldn't that be considered touching or being with that person?

Softcore -
Same thing - Half clothed people - what's next....undressing? Sexual acts?

Porn is porn, sweetie.

Shouldn't the point be that you are both looking at other people and what they are doing to make yourselves sexually aroused?

I dunno - just because you admit your hypocrisy on the subject doesn't make it allright.

[Hopeless Dork]

Oh I know its not OTYA, I battle my feelings about porn constantly. CONSTANTLY. I want so badly to be a cool gf, that is okay with it, not threatened... so I will encourage us to have porn nights now and then , rare, like once a month where we get a video and watch it... etc for the naughty factor.

I don't know why I draw the distinction when in fact he could very well be looking at the woman getting sex and wish he was the man doing it to her... but for me my head can wrap around it differently.

Pulling up pictures of mary jane sue in her jean shorts in several poses... makes me feel like gosh -- this girl is so hot to him she can just stand there and it be enough for him... and I assure you -- if he were horny and I just put on a pair of jeans shorts and stood there, not moving ... it would not yeild the same results. lol.