Never been in a relationship...

[little_libra]

i'm 19. a cute girl with a cute personality, that's what ppl say.

but...i've never been in a relationship.

since 7th grade, the same year i was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, guys have tried to approach me and ask me out. i froze up or acted super weird. sometimes i even got pissed off. at the same time, around girls it's kinda different. i was always trying hard to get their attention, especially in high school (i went to an all-girls school).

i went to college. very shy, insecure, in the closet and i fell for this girl even though i wanted a boy. she's a lesbian. i froze up again and got extremely cautious as soon as she picked up on the hints i was dropping. i also heard she had a girlfriend or a someone, so that made me act weird too. but she kept coming after me, either to be friends or what i have no idea, and i acted like an idiot. i cried all the time when i was alone in my room and then i'd see her and be so changeable--sometimes totally closed off, sometimes not. i, of course, regretted it and still do to this day. i truly felt a connection thing but i know that's . still think about her all the time, but i'm trying to get over that.

anyway, over a year later...it's different now. i went into therapy, have more friends, friends who accept me, i'm nicer, more outgoing, more confident, gotten over a lot of my phobias, grew out of a lot of my anxiety (but i still go through mood spells that alter my thinking/perception), etc.

but i am still single. so many people have a boyfriend/fiance/something. even the girl i like has a fiancee. but i don't feel a "thing" for anyone else and i try really hard to have crushes on just about anyone so i can stop thinking about her.

i see a counselor now and we're getting down to figuring out why i have mood swings. why some weeks i'm just so good and normal when nothing bothers me, and other weeks i'm cripled by anxiety, obsessive thoughts, dark moods and everything bothers me. PMS makes it worse--but i've always been moody, and puberty just took it to a new level.

i think i have cyclothymia but my counselor wants to check to see if there's a medical, hormonal problem that causes this. especially since i have other physical symptoms that have been going on for years now no matter what my mental state is.

any advice or insight on anything i've said?? i'd really appreciate it.

[Isabellacat]

You're only 19 Gee you are sooo young,but I know how you feel....I was once 19 and not knowing what a real relationship is like and felt everyone had someone instead of me. My advice is that don't stress off it so much, you are very young. I've been through so many relationships...in hindsight I wish I can go back and be your age and not trip so much wanting someone. There's a dark side to relationships I was'nt aware of before. You have so much freedom and are very young. Don't seek...it will come to you. I've had heavy feelings for people like you describe before. Looking back I wish I had'nt wasted so much energy hoping someone will get with me,I've learned it does'nt work that way.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I would like to state to you that there is nothing wrong with being either bi-sexual or gay, lesbian.

This woman had a real effect on your life hey? You mention her a couple of times through all that you state.

It seems that she was very much a part of your thoughts and still is.

Perhaps she is single now? Have you tried to find out?

Perhaps your just trying to find you.

For closure though it would be good to find her, tell her how you really felt so you can move on, if she is with someone.

That is what I am thinking.

CW

[little_libra]

isabellacat -- you make a lot of good points that make me feel better and you're very right about what you said. i will try to keep that in mind always because i know that you're right.

chandlers wish: thank you. i've thought about that a lot and my friends say i should do it (talk to her) and i know i'd feel a lot better if i did it, but i think its just in my best interests if i let this go. when all of this happened in the first place, i was not the girl i am today and i probably came off like a complete, well, you-know-what. and if i ever contact her, she might think i'm crazy. i wish i wasn't so emotional about it, and that i could just be stronger and be like "oh well" but that's just not who i am. some days are better than others.

the thing is that i know i'm being ridiculous, so i don't know why i'm in such a tizzy about it. i just wish i could shake this off. i care too much. sometimes i rly hate me.

[Isabellacat]

I'm bisexual and like CW said there's nothing wrong and I don't feel any shame...I've dated both men and women and my last few relationships were with women. I used to have heavy crushes on other women in the past before I knew what a relationship would be like on a lesbian level. Through my experience,it was'nt with people I had crushes on...The girlfriends I've had,they pursued me and things just happened without thinking about it and made me realize the ones who pursue me were far better than the ones I've had a crush on because at least they acknowledged me.Just accept you're feelings and be happy with yourself, they will come to you.
As far as rejecting guys, I think you did the right thing...You reacted to guys hitting on you and that was for a reason. It's good to be picky lol. Who knows you would've ended up with someone you were'nt gonna be happy with anyways.
Listen to CW..... I like her advice.......