Ex-wife problems

[angelceleste]

Ok, so Im new here and I have a problem with my fiance and how he acts with his ex-wife.

I love him to pieces, but I just cant get over it. It has been a problem from the beginning of our relationship.

My fiance has 5 kids, ranging from 9yrs old to 18. The 18yr old is his from a previous relationship to his ex, and is currently living in england for 2 years. The other 4 are his ex-wifes, the older two being hers from previous relationships, and the younger two being theirs together. But he views them all as being his his, treats them all the same, loves them all the same. Which is one of the things that made me fall in love with him. The kids are all wonderful and they welcomed me into the family with open arms, I love them all.

My problem is that whenever his ex calls or txts wanting something from him or wanting him to do something for her, he'll go running off to do it. It doesnt matter if we're supposed to be going out on a "date night", or one of the kids is supposed to be somewhere, or we're supposed to be somewhere, or that its 4am. It really really frustrates me, upsets me or pisses me off depending on whether he actually tells me about it or whether I find out from one of the kids, or through an old txt on his phone which I come across when I use his phone. But he doesnt seem to understand why i get upset or pissed off, and doesnt see that there is a problem at all. On his side in any case. He thinks that its my problem and I need to get over it really.

My fiance is a mechanic, and his ex is always having "problems" with her car that he has to fix. Which he does, and hardly charges her anything for it and does it in his own time (which is really my time with him), so it costs us time and money for parts etc. She is always wanting money from him. Now, he doesnt have to pay her child support because 3 of the kids are shared custody, but she doesnt have to pay us any child support even though one of Her daughters is with us full time. She went away on holiday for 3 weeks, which meant we had to have the other kids for an extra week, which costs a lot of money and she gave us nothing to help out even though we were having financial troubles at that time. And then when she got back she wanted us to give her money for the kids busses!
She owes us money for a car we sold her when the truck she got when they split broke up one christmas (after which she borrowed our van and broke that too, and did nothing to help fix it). But now she is wanting money from us because she has moved into a new flat and cant afford the rent!

Whenever she wants something done at her house, she rings my fiance and he goes running over there. Whenever she wants someone to talk to she rings my fiance and they talk for ages or he goes around to her place to talk. Whenever she wants something from the house (even though its been years since they split), she gets it. Whenever she wants the kids and theyre supposed to be with us, she gets them. whenever she has a problem, even in the middle of the night (4am!!), he'll go running to help her out.

It doesnt seem to matter to my fiance if we're supposed to be having alone time together, or that one of the kids needs to be somewhere, or we need to be somewhere.

It makes me feel like I dont matter. That his ex-wife and her needs or wants are more important than mine, and we're supposed to be partners. And whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets pissed off at me! He's told me that "She's the mother of most of his children, she'll always be around, and thats that."
I understand that she is the mother of his children, I do. And I know that she will always be part of our lives through the children. But what I do not understand is why he has to just go running after her at the drop of a hat, why he puts her needs and wants before anyone elses, why he wont talk to me at all about it, and why he hardly ever tells me anything about what he does for her. He usually keeps me in the dark about most of the things he does for her, or gives her, about whenever he goes around to her place to talk, or what they even talk about. I usually find out from one of the kids, as i said above.

I guess Im afraid that in an important moment in our life together (eg wedding day, having a baby together, getting through a problem or disaster) that she'll come up with some problem and he'll go running after her and leave me behind, alone. And I'm afraid that it will continue to happen for the rest of our lives, and that she will never move on and find someone else to depend on because she has it made because she doesnt have to do anything to reciprocate.

I wouldnt get so upset if he talked to me about everything - like we're supposed to. But I also wouldnt get so upset if there was any reciprocity at all. But there is not. She does nothing to help us out, does nothing to help my fiance out, does nothing to help with her daughter who lives with us (ie. buying her a pair of school shoes, or even pay half of the price). No. If it doesnt benifit her, it doesnt happen.

I dont know what to do about it because he wont let me explain how i feel, he just wont listen. If we dont sort it out though, i know that it will ruin out relationship.. it has already started.

It feels nice to get it off my chest, and there is noone else that I can really talk about it to.

thanks for listening,
Angelceleste

[HALFNOTHING]

Im so sorry it is happening to you?
You really need to talk, set him down and make him listen you.. tell him you are hurting. all what you feel.. tell him that you need a time.. explain what you heard and how much you feel pain upon hearing those. ask him who are u in that house and who are u in his life? but do you have proofs that he did all what you've said? remember that the child happen to tell you everything is theirs.

If you have seen it with your two eyes. give him an ultimatum.. why are u tolerating him doing all of that? being martyr can't help all the time.. everything has a limit...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

How sad is the day, when you actually have to write a letter in order to get heard?

I do understand that he feels an obligation, they are part of his life and always will be and there is nothing wrong with that.

She probably was a spoilt princess and wanted so much and he gave. And, this may be why he left her.. But, it's difficult for someone to change from what they were and it seems to me that all he sees is a continual commitment, doesn't matter.

If he loves all children, you have no problems if you marry and have a child, he will give to the cows come home and love his child, don't fear that.

I understand this is frustrating and annoying for you but what he is saying is that it doesn't bother him, that it's his money and his time.

What you have to do is not come across as a jealous fiancee.

You have to come across as you love all he does for them and remember why you fell in love with him and make him feel proud of it.

Then slowly, you have to also say things such as "hun, can you do that tomorrow as I have a few plans for us for tonight - smile sweetly ".. and follow through.

Change his patterns to a degree is what i am saying, without him realising.

You aren't going to change the giving. That's in him. You aren't going to change her using. That's in her.

But, you can change some patterns whereby you get your date time, without him running to her, by the simple fact that he could think of nothing more than being with you.

Grissling and being upset all the time, will destroy your relationship and you won't succeed.

Try the above, slowly and over time watch a few changes.

Don't forget that you are a fiancee not a wife and that you two haven't even had the honeymoon stage yet, get my drift?

Make him want to put her off till tomorrow, after all, it's just a few hours away....

Then she will realise your importance in his life as well and hopefully stop being so greedy.

Nothing else you can do I don't think other than pooring your heart out in a letter but I think that's not the case at this stage, use reverse physcology and win your man where you should have him....

Yours.

CW

[Gahzilla]

From my experience with friends who have dealt with this sort of thing, he has to tell her "no", "I will do it tomorrow" etc. of his own free will or nothing will change. It's a catch-22: he wants to be a great dad who has a positive influence over his children - and it seems like he's doing just that- but he needs to set limits with the ex. She will become irate with him, badmouth him to the kids, etc. but his own nature can squash a vast majority of the damage she attempts to do.

Has he ever mentioned anything about why they got divorced? Who initiated the process? Was there bribery or guilt tripping involved? There is a lot going on underneath that he isn't going to discuss openly with you I'd guess. But getting to the root of the relationship problem will help you figure out if he will be able to A- cut the emotional ties with her and B- tell you if he is in the right mindset to stay engaged/get married to you.

This sounds like a man any child would love to have as a father. Also sounds like a man any wife would be proud to be married to. He just needs to get his head in the here and now, and not so much about what he probably thinks he owes her from the past. Once the divorce papers are signed, if it's not legally scripted, he doesn't owe it.

[OhThereYouAre]

Im so sorry it is happening to you?
You really need to talk, set him down and make him listen you.. tell him you are hurting. all what you feel.. tell him that you need a time.. explain what you heard and how much you feel pain upon hearing those. ask him who are u in that house and who are u in his life? but do you have proofs that he did all what you've said? remember that the child happen to tell you everything is theirs.

If you have seen it with your two eyes. give him an ultimatum.. why are u tolerating him doing all of that? being martyr can't help all the time.. everything has a limit...

Seriously? An ultimatum?

This guy is obviously a great man. A REAL man.

He is taking responsibility for his kids and his ex. I think its honorable. Don't bash him for that.

To tell you the truth, if I were him, I wouldn't hear of any chastising from you, either. His ex is his ex and his kids are his kids...they are always going to be a part of his life.

Quit being so selfish. Who's he with now?

[Kallygirlie]

I agree with every one by OTYA. His kids are his kids yes and he is doing the honorable thing in doing everything he can to make sure they are taken care of but his ex is his ex and he should not be taking care of her to. This isn't something that you can say hey look i dont like it now stop and he'll listen to you. Like the ladies said, you have to kind coach him into it. Make him not want to leave your side. I think you have a very valid reason to be conserned and hurt. I can see why you feel alone and worried he's gonna just dart of in the middle of something important. the only way to get her to back off is for him to not be her only resort. I'm sure when she calls she tells him what she needs and why the kids need it. I'm sure she uses the kids as her leverage which is just horrible. Take CW's advice. make him want to stay

[imabobcat]

Seriously? An ultimatum?

This guy is obviously a great man. A REAL man.

He is taking responsibility for his kids and his ex. I think its honorable. Don't bash him for that.

To tell you the truth, if I were him, I wouldn't hear of any chastising from you, either. His ex is his ex and his kids are his kids...they are always going to be a part of his life.

Quit being so selfish. Who's he with now?

True. He's indeed a very responsibel man. Up for you, my friend.

[mdraven380]

If I ever have to work that hard for a man again, then I don't want one.
I can no longer take being second best to and ex wife with no children involved or the band.
I want a man that wants me and that I don't have to compete for. It's just not worth all the aggravation.
Oh I could just see a boyfriend of mine putting up with me running to my ex's every beck and call. Sounds like a double standard to me.
I've had to bend to every boyfriend and fiance' I've ever had. Change my whole lifestyle to fit their needs.
I don't think it is fair to have to play a game with men to make them want you more than they want their ex.
Pardon me if I sound harsh but I have just gone through a lot of loss. Lost three family members in 10 months, inbetween find out my boyfriend is texting his ex wife to complain about our relationship, I became angry and resentful and 3 months afterward I came home from work only to see that my boyfriend had moved out without telling me! Then he said this doesn't mean we are broken up? He has texted me for 2 weeks straight. We have talked on the phone twice and each time he is drunk. He said he is drunk everynight since he left me but yet doesn't want to live with me anymore. He wants to still see me when it is convinient for him.
I have sacrificed a lot for a lot of different men and not been happy in many situations and it has gotten me nowhere in the past 30 years.
I guess I just have a low tolerance level now.

[Jingleboots]

First of all, I don't think "talking" to this man is going to change anything. I am going through much the same thing, as far as "telephone calls, needing things done", etc., but him going over to her place to "talk" ? UNACCEPTABLE. First of all, he's in a relationship with YOU and the one he had with her is OVER. In order for her to let go (which she has NOT) it is HIS responsibility to see to it that she only calls when it is necessary. It is HIS responsibility to NOT cater to her whims any longer, or this will never end. On the other hand, it is YOUR responsibility to yourself to determine what you will and will NOT tolerate. If this continues, you can kiss this man and this relationship goodbye. I certainly hope that you have laid the law down by now. He is obviously not ready to let go of her and she doesn't want to let go of him; despite your relationship. Talking for hours? Come on, that's not accepatable either. Put your foot down and make it clear what you excpect. If he doesn't comply, take your losses and walk away. Nothing is worth being unhappy, miserable, losing sleep, and building resentment this way. NOTHING is worth being unhappy. Good luck to you, I realize I'm a few month's late in joining this forum and putting in my two cents, but . I know how you feel, and he changes YOUR plans for private time together and leaves you to go talk to this woman? NO WAY. Deman respect or you will never receive it. Much luck to you ..........

[Jingleboots]

Seriously? An ultimatum?

This guy is obviously a great man. A REAL man.

He is taking responsibility for his kids and his ex. I think its honorable. Don't bash him for that.

To tell you the truth, if I were him, I wouldn't hear of any chastising from you, either. His ex is his ex and his kids are his kids...they are always going to be a part of his life.

Quit being so selfish. Who's he with now?

I cannot believe that you would accuse her of "chastizing" this man? SHE has the right to respect and he deserves being chastized. Yes, it is honorable for a man to take care of his KIDS, but he has NO responsibility towards his EX whatsoever. Simple things, sure. Talking for hours and going over to her home to talk and leaving your girlfriend or wife at home, especially when you had plans with her? NO, that is NOT honorable. They both have "issues" with letting go, and this woman knows it. She's in a bad situation, and if this doesn't stop, she needs to leave, if only for her own mental health. The EX will not always be a part of his life, only until such time as the children are grown. Of course there will be times when they will meet up again; weddings, funerals, birth of grandchildren, etc. but hopefully both will have moved on and let go and started NEW lives. The children should always, and I'm sure they will be, in his life and hers. No problem there, but this woman is most definitely trying to cause strife in their relationship. This is not acceptable behavior from the EX or the man. What they are doing is hurtful and this woman has a right to be upset. HE needs to handle this with his EX, in respect of his new girlfriend (or wife, can't remember...doesn't matter). I guess it's obvious I feel strongly about this, I'm dealing with the same thing, only not nearly as bad. Goodness, this is ridiculous, I would be long GONE.