Women, Marriage, Culture...RANT

[Nats]

I just need to get this out...

Im East Indian, South Asian, whatever you want...And in our culture, traditionally, women are supposed to be married at a particular age, to a particular caste boy (equal level or higher), and then THAT is when her life really starts...I mean really, thats what it is. Alot of families have kinda stepped away from the traditionalist ways in this regard but no matter what, almost all of them still believe that girls are really just existing and dont start living until they get married...

My parents started talking about it when I was 10...10!

Can we not talk about my work? My friends? Other aspects of my life? Why cant people just mind their own business???

Someone told my dad yesterday that I should've been married off when I was 19 and that my age (25) is way too old...I should be expecting to breed within a year...Like WHAT??? Im not ready to have a kid! Im not ready for marriage! My dad loves to listen to other people, heed their advice as much as possible...When its one of us who has something to say, all of a sudden he's deaf...

I realize I dont have to listen to what other people say, its not my job to please the planet, but God, it just irritates me...

Everyone I meet asks if Im married...that is the first question when Im attending one of these indian community functions or whatever...What caste is the boy? Where is he from? What does he do? How old is he? How old are you?

Im not going out anymore...too much mental anguish...

Feel, better...thank you...nonsensical rant OVA...

[Kallygirlie]

Wow hun. If it makes you feel any better, I get asked the are you married question alllllll the time and oh yeah how many kids do you have. As if 26 is like the end of the line. not everyone is married with kids at 26. and I have to ask, you should be expecting to breed in the next yr? Are you some kind of animal? I understand when we have children, it is considered breeding but us as humans with the ability to speak have better ways of saying it. LOL!!! I am by far poking fun of your traditions. I know very little about it but I agree you should have your own voice.

[Nats]

Wow hun. If it makes you feel any better, I get asked the are you married question alllllll the time and oh yeah how many kids do you have. As if 26 is like the end of the line. not everyone is married with kids at 26. and I have to ask, you should be expecting to breed in the next yr? Are you some kind of animal? I understand when we have children, it is considered breeding but us as humans with the ability to speak have better ways of saying it. LOL!!! I am by far poking fun of your traditions. I know very little about it but I agree you should have your own voice.

Lol, exactly! Nah, its not even the whole "breeding" (his words, not mine) concept even...Its just, after a while you get sick of it...At least I do...My uncle, my dad's brother who I grew up around and we were very close, tried to set me up with his wife's neighbour back in the old country so the guy could get a visa to come to Canada...And this kinda stuff is normal...Thats what bugs me...This is NORMAL behaviour, to play around with people's lives like this...My cousin has been married 4 times...Every time they would get the guy here, he would run off, sometimes with her money and personal belongings...Like this is some kind of big joke to people...How can someone do that a person 4 times! Its her parents' idea...and she's too respectful to say anything...Parents are supposed to look out for their children, you know? You dont raise her for 18 years and then hand her off to the first mofo that appears decent...

This here, this is it...my breaking point...One more person with a similar comment is going to get it...My wrath...

[Little]

One of my best friends is Sindhi, she has a lot of the same problems. She's one of the best-put-together people I know, but when it comes to marriage/babies ... she's just not ready. She's got other priorities, she wants to be a chemist, she wants to see the world (she's been back to India, France, Alaska, and here in TN where we went to college in the last 6 months!) ... she's just got other things going on. But we talked a lot about her parents' expectations of her, and they're the same as yours.
You're not alone out there I feel the same expectations from my parents, even though I'm mostly white bread American. Is my boyfriend good enough for them? Am I doing enough to make them proud? Etc, and I don't even see them more than 4-5 times a year. It's normal, just that your parents and family are more outspoken and specific about it than others because it's part of their culture.

[WildChild]

Many cultures either value women only or primarily, for producing children - preferably male children. Generally in these belief systems virginity is highly valued (in some cases to the point that a girl who isn't will be killed) education for girls doesn't get much priority and males make the decisions. Usually the females are so indoctrinated, like your cousin, that they support the system that represses them. This is an international problem that needs to be vigorously addressed by women and men around the world. Genital mutilation must stop. Forced marriages must stop. Selling children (most often girls) must stop. The applogist arguements about preserving or "respecting", "traditional" practices don't wash in the face of the level of human suffering caused by these practices. Some things (just like canibalism or human sacrifice) need to be part of history, not life.

Even in cultures such as your parents', that aren't so extreme, the vestiges still linger. You are fortunate to be in a place where you have options, places to go if things were to get too difficult and you have the ability to support yourself and live on your own should you choose to. There are American women who end up in court and bring themselves close to bankruptcy to keep their kids away from men who support this kind of thinking and basically want to sell their daughters into arranged marriages, for whatever reasons. Many live in hiding because they made a poor choice in who fathered their children. People don't believe that it happens "here" but it does.

Stick to your goals and needs and what will bring you happiness in your life. You can't live your parents life nor can they control yours forever. The choices are yours but some of them may be tough.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Gawd, I got engaged at 25 for the same reason, pressure from family, when are you getting married? lol.

They will all get over it.. especially when you do and have that little bubs, then you won't have to ever worry about it.

I have this method for things... Keep away from negativity, only be around positive people......

So, don't go to those functions and smile sweetly, because those that are asking you are married, were at 17, don't really like their life and would be insanely jealous that you get to live yours your way....

[WildChild]

Of course once you do get married then the question changes to: when are you having a baby?

[dr.mansview]

next time u r at one of your "family functions" and the nosy questions begin just say "i am a quarter of a century old and i know i am being selfish but i want a man that i am in love with"..if they ask any further questions then they obviously did not pick up on your sarcasm

[OhThereYouAre]

Of course once you do get married then the question changes to: when are you having a baby?

Everywhere we go, women see her ring and ask when we're getting married.
Then they say that she did a "good job" without even giving me a glance.

How's that for progress?

[kms]

It can be really difficult when you're straddling two cultures and mindsets. Your parents are following their traditional culture, and you are following the culture that you were raised in (at least in this regard). While you were fortunate to be exposed to both cultures and can understand each, your parents may have left their country when they were too old to have their habits shaped or changed any differently. So basically, you can understand them but they don't understand you. There are pros and cons to every culture and society, and forced marriages are an unfortunate con practiced in some societies.

While you can't change your family or the people around you, you can change your own response and reaction to them. When they start irritating you, just remind yourself that most of them do it because they care about you and want you to be on what they perceive to be the 'right track;' their intentions stem from concern and ignorance. Don't take it personally. You are the one person who knows what is best for your life, so perhaps just smile and thank them for their advice/concern and change the subject. When dealing with difficult people, I find it best to not defend (because they won't listen to your reasoning anyway) but to redirect. Just like in martial arts, when you're being attacked, the best defense is to use a block in order to redirect the energy and prevent yourself from absorbing most of the blow.

An example might look like this:

A: You're 25 already? When are you getting married? You know the longer you wait, the fewer available guys there will be. I was married by the time I was 20 and had kids by your age!

You: Hey a lot of guys like older women! (making a joke, making a serious situation light, keeping A on the surface and not allowing them to dig deeper and get personal). Speaking of kids, did you hear who just got pregnant?

A: <completely distracted and taking the bait>

I'm starting to learn the art of this because my family would eat me alive if I didn't. My views are very different from theirs and instead of sitting around arguing all the time, feeling upset, negative, angry - it's easier to keep positive energy and a light tone by simply redirecting the conversation. I just can't let them get too deep; it all has to stay fairly surface. Give value to what they are trying to express (i.e. concern for your well being) and leave it at that - change the topic or try to tangent off on something else. Most people will fall for it.

Plus, also keep in mind that any person who makes you angry or upset essentially controls you. Don't let other people control you. Only you should control you. Take a deep breath and shake it off (although admittedly being hounded about your marital status can break down even the strongest of us!).