some unresolved anger... needed to vent

[GlitterAndStuds]

Now, to warn you, this WILL get long. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, since this whole situation has been over for almost 3 months now, but I still think about it and get real PO'd. I figured you guys would have a good story and maybe offer some insight on how to get over this.

I moved in last September with a girl I'd been friends with for a few years. Things were all well and good, even though I didn't know yet that she was crazy. She had problems with anxiety/depression/anger and was on medications for all of them, up until the week before we moved where she took herself off them. Smart, right? She had lost her job a couple of weeks before moving too, but she had a trust fund that she said she would use up until she found something. Whatever. As long as stuff got paid, I didn't care. Well, she's a haristylist and wanted a job in a salon. Fine. But since none of them were hiring, she decided not to look for any job at all until one was. Not even a part time retail one to hold her over until then. Not the point though.

In November, I met my current boyfriend. He would be over and spending the night a lot, and there was never any problem. She had a boyfriend too, who was over every night. Then he ended things with her and all of a sudden she was really angry with me about my boyfriend being there all the time. She started getting pissed off at anything and everything he would say, and throw tantrums. Like literal tantrums. She even put us on a "schedule" where he could only stay over on Wednesday nights after his band practice and on weekends. It sounds dumb, but we went with it to keep her from flying off the handle again. There was one time on his birthday this past year, where we took that day off work to hang out for it, and didn't tell her because...well, why would that be necessary? She totally went off on me about how I'd "lied" to her, slamming my bedroom door so hard the knob broke. She did stuff like this often. The girl had problems.

I also found out that she had been bad mouthing me to our friends. Saying that I never did anything around the house and that she had to do everything. In reality, I would be working 10 hour days while she would be sitting at home, sleeping until noon and doing nothing until I came home. I would do things here and there during nights, and the place would be gross again by the time I came home the next night. We both had cats, and hers would poop all over the bathroom floor and MY bedroom floor...anywhere but the litterbox pretty much. And she would get mad if I didn't clean it all up for her. Actually, there was one time where she texted me at work promising she would do the dishes since I had mopped the house the night before. They sat in the sink for 3 WEEKS without being touched, because she was hanging out with a new boyfriend and gone every single night. I wanted to wash them so bad but I didn't touch them, just to show her that I remembered her promising. Then she had the audacity to say that she wouldn't talk to me because I forgot to sift the cat litter one day. Yeah. It got to the point where I dreaded being home if I knew she would be.

Since she had been seeing this guy and never home anymore, I started having my boyfriend over more often to keep me company. Never when she was home. Also, by then, my cat had gone into heat (she was a girl, the other cat was a boy). She was the sweetest little cat you'd ever meet, but the heat made her really mean. My roommate's cat would keep trying to stick it in her and she would bat him in the face or something because she didn't like it. Well one morning, while I'm working, she texts me telling me that I had to get rid of my cat until she was fixed. Then goes on about how she's fed up with the attitude that my boyfriend and I gave her, this and that. Well that night I got home as she was going out. Then she came back asking if we were going to talk about our situation. It turned into this big fight, with her saying, literally, that everything going wrong was my fault for being selfish. She even said that if she ever saw my boyfriend at the house again, she would call the cops on him. Then she said that if I didn't leave her room she was gonna punch me (she was 5 feet tall and like 100 lbs.)...so I walked out and for some reason that pissed her off to the point where she came in my room, SCREAMING at me that if I wasn't out of "her" house in 10 minutes she was calling the cops on me. Starts throwing my stuff around the house and at me until I finally just grabbed my bag and left because I was done. I went to my mother's and found a place with my boyfriend a week after.

I guess the point of this is that I still get really angry when I think about this. She was so crazy that night that I barely got to say my piece. How she made that apartment a prison, and all the insane carp that she pulled. I mean, who did she think she was? There's way more details to this than what I've said but this is long enough. I'm pissed that it happened, and I'm also pissed that I didn't get to say my side of things. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm THE most laid back person in the world. I had to have been a hippie in a past life or something. So to be this angry about something is bad for me. I'm a million times happier, but I don't know how to move past that.

[WildChild]

Are you really POd at her or at yourself for letting the situation develop and go on for so long? She was out of line but it sounds like you allowed her to call the shots. Instead of burning up a lot of energy on thinking about what is over and done, develop a plan for yourself to respond more effectively when you end up dealing with anyone else like her?

[GlitterAndStuds]

It's both, really. Obviously it makes me angry that she did everything she did, while thinking it was okay. But you're right, I'm absolutely mad at myself for letting it happen. Normally I'm not that much of a doormat, but when I say this girl was crazy, I'm not exaggerating. I really did walk on eggshells for that whole time because I knew how out of control her anger got. And while she was small, there was no telling what she would do. So I had to avoid anything like that until I left. In any other situation, I would have no problem telling someone they were being a B, but it was different with her. So yes, I let her push me and everyone else around a lot, and I hate that I did.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If you read what you wrote, she was on medication, took herself off it, lost her job, there were signs there already but we often don't pull the plug and follow our intuition, you just saw 50% paid, she had a Trust Fund..and so went with it..

So, you will definitely follow your intuition next time...

I think your mad because she played "all" the cards to the extent of even the end of the game..

All that time you must have walked on egg shells, it's like living with an abusive boyfriend/husband, same thing.

Obviously, you waited until you had had enough but in hindsight probably should have gone before.

And, you need closure, not to be nice and try to regain your friendship but to get out all those thoughts, feelings as you never got a chance to do so.

Why not write her a letter, why not add in it that she needs to remain on medication because before you lived with her you were both great friends and it's destroying and will destroy her life.... closure.... post..... end ......

Then seriously, put it in the back of you mind, laugh about it and how you live your life now and know that you will never allow anyone, male/female to abuse you emotionally and have you walk on egg shells again.

Lesson learnt.

CW

[Joy]

I agree you are more mad at yourself. Forgive yourself and forgive this girl and move on. It was a stepping stone in life and you learned a valuable lesson. Some lessons in life are hard and no fun to learn but.... CW is right you will never let a situation get that far again in life.

[GlitterAndStuds]

You guys are totally right. After explaining what happened to a couple of my friends, they all said "yeah we all couldn't believe you were moving in with her, we thought you knew she was crazy". It was one of those things where it didn't occur to me that seeing her just a few times a year was different than every single day.

And CW, that's exactly how I've explained it to people before... like being in an abusive relationship. I honestly stuck it out for so long because our lease wouldn't have been up until the end of next month, and I didn't think I'd be able to get out of it. Plus, for some reason, I was still trying to do the good thing and not leave her stuck paying for everything alone. Trust me, in retrospect, I should have just left when it started to be too much.

That's the perfect word for it, closure. I've thought about the letter thing, but I wasn't sure if that would open up a can of worms. I've even written a draft in case I ever decided to, but it was more to be prepared in case she tried to contact me. Which she has once, but just to tell me my cat died (I left her there since I didn't want to separate the cats) from getting pregnant and was too small to handle it. I never responded to it.

[OhThereYouAre]

Ugh - roommates.

I have a couple extra bedrooms in my place that I could rent.

Took me about .0000001 seconds to decide not to.

[GlitterAndStuds]

Ugh - roommates.

I have a couple extra bedrooms in my place that I could rent.

Took me about .0000001 seconds to decide not to.

Haha smart indeed! My SO is probably the only reliable roommate I've had so far. But if (god forbid) I ever had to get a different place, there will be NO roommates. I'd prefer seeing the pains in the butt I know on my own time.

[tritonalum07]

Never, ever, EVER live with a girl friend. They will turn on you, almost every single time. I have serious trust issues with girls because of a situation my sophomore year of college. I even lived with guys the next year because of it. It sounds to me like she's jealous of you and your boyfriend, which is something I can understand though I would never act like she is. I don't know if she's seeing anyone now, but consider the fact that if she's lonely and looking for a relationship, it hurts to see someone else--even if you're happy that they are happy since they are a friend--getting what you want. Know what I mean? However, that doesn't make her behavior okay. I'd peace out on her if I were you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

but just to tell me my cat died

Curiousity killed the cat.. No punt intended..

How? - And, how did she tell you?

CW