Help, I don't know what to do.

[UndergroundSoul]

I'm new to the site and posting, but I'm desperate for help regurding my boyfriend. (Sorry its so long)

I'm 17, 18 in November, My boyfriend, he's 18, of just about eight months is bipolar. He made this clear when we first started dating. At first I didn't really notice anything off, or different about him. But over the time I began to recognize his mood swings and understand his horribly low self esteem. He also has anxiety problems. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me. He constantly tells me so, over and over again. From what I gather he wasn't in a good place in his life before we started dating.

His past experience with relationships had left him broken hearted to say the least and his home life wasn't much better. I understand that he was somewhat of a problem child. The oldest of three boys he repeatedly got into (sometimes) physical fights with not only his brothers but his parents too. (This was before diagnosis.) He's not like that anymore, I trust him and have never seen him lose his temper like that with me or any one else. He wouldn’t dream of doing what he used to do now. Regardless he still has a short temper, with his family mainly, but we've had our arguments too. (we're both very stubborn often over nothing). In most cases we usually agree to disagree or find that we were fighting on the same side anyway. I think he's just overly used to head games. I think his parents play them with him too often. There's more often then not conflict between them. He's been threatened to be kicked out multiple times, his mother is bi-polar as well and is very…controlling.

Despite it all though he is an amazing person. I just have a hard time getting him to see it. I'm always working to build him up in self confidence and the likes. But he refuses to see himself as anything but a screw up. He went through a bad depression (combined with the wrong medicine) before we met. So bad he'd resorted to self harm. He said he'd stopped that just before he'd asked me out, so I wouldn't have to put up with his drama. That lasted for nearly all the eight months, until just recently, when the stress got out of control again. Not cutting this time, he gets metal hot and burns instead. I gave him an earful about it. I was nearly in tears while doing so. He swears he'll stop, and I made him promise to tell me if he does, and that if he can't stop he'll take help. (He's scared to death of ending up in a mental hospital. It almost came to that once with him already.) I told him flat out if he didn't stop I was calling his mother, that I didn't care if I had to make him hate me to get him help. But I trust him to stick to his word. He's also scared to death of losing me.

But he hasn’t stopped. He tried but he couldn't. I don't know what to do. I get so upset when he tells me what he's done that he doesn’t want to anymore. He says he's trying to protect me by doing so. I tell him I don’t need it. That I want to help him and demand that he doesn't shut me out like that. He needs help but he doesn’t want to take it. He doesn’t want to end up in a mental hospital. He thinks he can do it all on his own. He's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to know. I know he's strong but he needs to let people in. I've sat through phone calls of him crying over all the stress he's under, listened to a few anxiety attacks, and spent hours on the phone and through texts coaxing him to tell me what's wrong when he's acting off and says its nothing.

His major stresses in life right now are school and work. He just graduated high school, and is about to enter a community college. (I'm now a senior in HS). He already had a part time job in place at a grocery store, but his family isn't financially well off and he has to pay for most of his college on his own, plus several other bills (car insurance, phone, gas etc.) His college is two classes three days a week it is all he could do. He's recently just started a full time job at a factory doing the graveyard shift. He's exhausted, from the work and stress. And on top of it all he's going to play college baseball. (He's an amazing catcher. Something else he refuses to see in himself.) He wears himself out with baseball sometimes too, before the second job that was a big stress.

He says he's doing it all for his future family. I just want him to take care of himself now in the present. But he needs the money for college. I admire him for all he's doing. I do. I just wish it was easier on him. He's also stopped taking his meds. He was never very good about it. But he doesn’t like what they do to him; make his drowsy, forgetful, makes his thoughts race. It's hard for him to get used to again when he stopped. He was good about it for a while. (I'm always telling him to take them, along with; getting more sleep [he barely sleeps some times and he has trouble sleeping due to nightmares and anxiety attacks], eating better and/or more often, driving safer [I'm paranoid about it anyway], and learning to just relax about stuff.)

How do I help him? I understand he has a condition and I love his regardless. It's mainly the self hurting that has me so worried. Should I continue to try an interfere? Or do what he wants and keep out of it? How do I get him to except help? How do I make him understand that I want to know what's going on with him that it doesn’t hurt me to know?

Please somebody help me.

[OG612]

Thank you for posting. I read every last word.

As a psych nurse, I can tell you that there is absolutely no shame in checking himself in to a mental health facility to get help. I haven't had any patients bi-polar, or bi-polar tendencies lately (mostly psychosis and anti-social A-Holes), but it's very treatable.

But given his mother's condition, and history of abuse from her, is the doctor who diagnosed him even positive, that at 18 years old, he's actually bi-polar and not just the product of a poor family environment?

Most of your psychiatric facilities are in-patient and short term. They'll get him on the right meds, make sure he's stable, and then release him to some type of out-patient treatment for X amount of time.

He says he's putting himself through all of this pain right now to be able to provide for his future family, but with the amount of stress he's inflicting upon himself (self-injury, exhaustion, and so on), there's a good chance he'll never make it to Family Life.

On top of all of that, he can transfer to a state college or university after like a semester. I'm sure there are plenty of grants and scholarships he could get to ease the financial burden of it. Especially with the way Obama is currently pushing education! Plus your typical student loan (all of which is backed by the government) has a grace period of six to twelve months after graduation before he has to begin paying it back. He could get a bachelor's degree in something and then parlay that in to something better than an $8/hr factory job working from 11PM to 7AM.

He can go to school full-time and work a part-time job to have money to live off of. He can also try going in to the military where he'd get the GI Bill to pay for all of his schooling, but all 4 branches currently have programs that will pay for 100% tuition costs at most accredited colleges and universities. Two classes a semester I believe (I'm an Air Force vet).

For relaxation and de-stressing, tell him about meditation, or zen yoga. There are countless meditations online and I'm sure he could find all the information he needs on the various yogas online for free. He could also try hypnosis, or learning about some of the principles of Huna (Hawaiian shamanism). Hypnosis is my speciality and I'm currently a new student of the Huna way. If you'd like, I can give you my private email address to give to him and I'd be willing to do some free work for him or give him a wealth of resources to help keep him calm and stable.

Let me know what's good.

OG

[WildChild]

Well OG has mentioned the things I was going to so let me second them. There are a lot of resources available to assist with school finances, it may take some effort to find what is appropriate and may involve writing some essays and such but it is worth it. You might help him with this as you need to start applying yourself. Putting together a good financial aid package would reduce some stress.

I also think that the environment he grew up in may be a big factor in his situation. He does need to get some help or perhaps, more effective help. I also encourage looking into yoga and learning controlled breathing and meditation. I have viritually eliminated claustrophobia that way.

Diet can be a factor too. He should be taking Omega 3s, they are critical for the development of the nervous system. Dr Leo Galland has written several books that give a number of stories of treatment successes with Omega 3s. You might find some good resources in books, a pioneer in integrated medicine, he is currently specialising in treating PTSS.

Your young man is very fortunate to have you. You make sure you are taking care of your needs too. Dealing with someone who has BP or BPD can be tough, don't lose touch with your gfs, take time to have some fun, keep your dreams and goals in focus.

[UndergroundSoul]

Thank you OG and WildChild.

He's mildly bi-polar, I can deffenitaly see the depression signs and several of the manic ones in him from time to time. He's told me he used to be bad before the diagnosis and help.

He wants to eventually transfer to a better school. He didn't really do much planning for college. His HS grades weren't fantastic and he applied last minute, but at least he's going and trying. He didn't think he could get loans because his parents declared banck ruptcy twice. He got a small scholarship that pays for tuition so that helps.

I know he needs to get out of his house. I've been saying that for the longest time, I know it's a bad enviornment but he has no where else to go right now. So he deals with it. At least until he can afford to live on his own. His parents love him, they just don't always get along.

He actually told me once he used to do yoga. I don't think he has the time to do it anymore though. OG I can ask him about the e-mail but he's quite adament that he doesn't need help. I just do what I can for him. He doesn't know I'm asking for help for him.

It can be challangeing to deal with him I know it, but I have my time too. Me an my friends still do weekend movies and sleepovers. And I'm planning to go to college out of state to do what I want. And he's supportive of it, he wants me to be happy and have fun. I want to major in creative writing and become a novelist.

[OG612]

A change of environment would be good for him. Also, a less stressful lifestyle would be truly beneficial. A lot of people who are mentally ill (not being derogatory) tend to keep them selves super busy so they don't have time to think about their problems. If they're not thinking about them, then they can't be sick. Right? That's their logic, but not saying it's your boyfriend's.

He should quit his part-time job since he's working at the factory full-time. I know he needs the money, but bagging groceries three days a week isn't going to do anything for him in the long run to actually benefit him.

He's taking on too much responsibility at too young of an age. It's admirable, but he needs to realize that at 18, he's still just a kid. Next semester, as long as his grades are up (at least a 2.0) he can transfer to a state college or university and (hopefully) get in to the dorms. Student loans will be hard to get since his parents declared bankruptcy twice, but there are still scholarships and grants (free money) that can help cover expenses.

OG

[WildChild]

Having a daughter who just started college, we been dealing with the financing. You would be surprised at the money available. Do his parents have degrees? If not there are special programs for 1st generation in college. There are scholarships for children of cancer survivors and of various ethnicities, if his parents income is low he may qualify for additional aid. Your high school counseling office should have lots of info, the community college career guidence dept should be able to help.

Also check for state programs. In my state there is a fund for anyone who graduated HS here to get so much per credit hour. But you have to sign up for it.

OG is right he can transfer to a state college. If stress is a factor, he may want to look at a smaller school. State Universities can be huge with well over 30,000 students on a campus. There may be some smaller 4 year colleges that offer a good range of undergraduate degrees in a less hectic environment.

Ultimately he has to learn to manage his condition himself. It can be done but denial won't do it. You have to be aware that as much as you want to be supportive and help, what you can do is limited. I'm sure he appreciates all you do but remember that when he in a cycle he may not remember it and may direct his anger at you. I dealt with years of this with an ex, it can be very frustrating and hurtful. You have to set boundries and may have to insist he get help if he wants to be around you but don't internalise it. It has nothing to do with you, it's the illness or condition.

[UndergroundSoul]

The factory job isn't perminent yet though, he's still in a trail period, and if he quits the other job and doesn't get taken into the new one, he's pretty much screwed. So he's holding it until he's sure.

He's knows he's in over his head but he can't really do anything about it now. He has to pay back the money his parents lent him and such. I'll help him when he's ready to transfer schools, he just wants to get his act together in academics first.

I know he needs out of his house. he has no where to go. I'd offered to beg my parents to let him live here, even if it's only for I week. (I have no idea what they'd think of that, probably against it. I'm sure.) He doesn't want to be a burden. And hopefully I have him taking his medicine again. I hope he sticks to it.

Neither of his parents hve degrees, his dad was in the air force I believe. His parents got married and had him really young, like right out of high school young.

I know his anger isn't towards me. We get into arguments sometimes. He can be sensative. But I've learned to just let him go and once he's over it he's better and will realise and often apologize if he realizes he's wrong. I constantly tell him he needs help, he says he can do it on his own. I let him know that if this keeps up it could cause problems with us. I'm headstrong when I want to be. He's never bad around me. Around me I'm his instant chill pill. I've actuallly made him calmer and have a better attitude since we started dating, everyone from his parents to his boss has acknowledged the difference in him. I'm a normally laid back person. I love to make others smile I have a calming presence for him.

[FFemt]

Consider the military, it's a great way to pay for college and to make the process a lot easier( spent some time in the army). The service can also help him learn how to deal with stress in a positive way and probably get rid of the need for some of his meds. If you think his meds are to blame consult a second MD, example: A mom brought her kid in to the ER saying her son is always sleepy thinking he is diabetic. To make a long story short he had ADHD and was on way to many sedatives(trauma resident). I know were he is coming from working and going to college is hard, I pretty much live at work and school, don't even see my house or family(fire fighter and EMT plus medical student). Online schooling is a option or the military, you can get college credits for certain training you go through.

[tritonalum07]

My first relationship was so close to this it's not even funny. He was bipolar, but refused to get help. He tried to kill himself one night and when his parents didn't do anything about it, I called his school counselor and they pulled him into the office to talk to him. He broke up with me for it, but realized it was because I loved him and we got back together. We are no longer in a relationship due to his emotional issues. I could not handle the mood swings/verbal abuse that came with dating someone with his problem, hard as I tried. Although this may seem callous, if you ever start to feel like your entire relationship revolves around his problems and your mental/emotional state begins to suffer, please leave the relationship. Hopefully you never get to that point, but sometimes being with someone who won't take the necessary steps to help their situation can cause you serious harm to your self esteem and self worth in the long run.

As far as his future goes, if he has been diagnosed as bipolar he is ineligible for the military. He should look into scholarships, grants, work-study, etc.

[UndergroundSoul]

He's told me he can't enlist because of his issues and not to be selfish or anything I probably wouldnt want him too. It's a great thing to be in the military I know that, and if he wanted to I'd support him. But I'd miss him if he did and doing that can change a person, I love him as he is, I also don't think he could handle it, and should we work out I don't think I could take being an army wife and never knowing if or when he'd come home. But I would never tell him not to if he wanted it.

He tries to keep his problems to the minimum so they don't interfer, and he's trying to help himself, for us. And if he doesn't stop I will force him to get help. I've told him I'd call his parents if it came to it. He treats me well in our relationship, he never takes anything out on me, never blames me for anything or makes me feel bad about myself.