Can't live life for Four more years

[purpleorchid]

I am at my wit's end. I really think that I have no purpose in this society. I've tried so hard and reaped nothing.

Here's my story:

I am 25. Still Young, i know, but sometimes I just feel like there is no hope due to the body that I was given. I was born with a bone disorder in my upper jaw...basically the bone is being eaten away/prevented from forming and gorwing into an adult facial bone structure. From the outside, you can't really tell that I have this problem. What you can tell, though, is that I look like a deformed 12 year old. If you think about the differnce between a child's face and a grown woman's, it's the length of the bone structure (children's faces look more..squished vertically and very round). The most insurance will treat is the disorder itself, and on the outside I look like a very wierd looking 12-13 year old child. I will need costmetic (facial bone surgery and grafting) for that. It's something that I can't presently afford (andn it's an experimental surgery only being done in two countries).

Adding to the problem is the fact that im extremely short (4'10) and i'm very..curvy. boobs, butts, the whole package. So basically I look like this midget curvy girl with the body of a pornstar (big boobs, butt, tiny waist) and the innocent looking face of a 12 year old female. Hello, perverts and child molesters!!!

I think there is no hope for me sometimes. The body I've been placed in is preventing me from experiancing a normal life, professional-wise and relationships too (female friends and boyfriends)

I get no respect with men. They either a) think I'm weird looking and don't pay me any attention/are mean to me since im ugly or b)think i'm an easy lay and easy target/prey thanks to my innocent short stature and looks and pornstar body, or c) have a child fetish. I think most men at any level are like that, but for some reason they feel like they can act it out with me and get away with it. I don't think it has anything to do with my personality. Men often will try to say something to men about that, and when i make it clear (kindly but firmly in in the right language) that i'm not interested in being their little submissive adolsecent teen girl fetish they get all offended and start treating me off-puttingly. As if since i'm built like that im expected to give it?! wtf!

when the sun is setting men like to look at me inappropraitely. Taller women who actually look like woman get oogled too, but most businessmen seem to respect them more and seem afraid to look at them inapproatiately.

clothes are a big problem. I can either wear clothes that cover my figure (so men don't oogle me) but then I look like a real 12 year old, or I can wear more grown up clothes that WILL cause men to oogle me but I will look 20~)

The better quality guys (great kind personality, decent looks, smart, etc) never want to give me the light of day b/c I look like a low-status girl.
Someone even told me once that they would never bring me home since I looked like a midget hooker. : (

But guys are the least of my worries.
The worst part is my career. No matter where I go, people don't resepect me. Females see me as someone they can trample and easily manipulate, while males find my amusing when I talk like a smart women in interviews due to my 12 year old looking face.

Girls don't want to be my friend. Girls are really status driven and they see me as this short, ugly looking creature they would NEVER want to be associated with. I don't think I have any real friends... In high school I was beaten andn bullied due to my not having any friends and my short stature

Thanks to this disease, it has deformed my facial bones in such a way that I look like a monster when I smile. I look like a normal pre-teen until i smile, and then people get scared off immediately. Or, I can just not smile, and then people find it wierd why I never seem happy.

While in college I was never given a reception desk job, or any job that would mean I have to present an image for a compnay. I couldn't even get hired at the local grocery store as a bagger/clerk being that with the uniform on (which never fits!) I look like a 12 year old grocerry clerk. Worse, I can't get any backstore postions b/c I don't have the strength. Nobody takes me seriously and nobody ever wants to hire me. They assume automatic imcompetance or think that I'll give their company a bad image.

I am going back to school to be a clinical scientist (looking at tissues samples in the hopstial lab). It's one of those positions where it's more about what you know and your skillset then more subjective fields like marketing where image is everything. I'll have to wait 4 years until I will be able to save up for this surgery. I've worked so hard since middle school, and reaped almost none of the benefits. I hate science and math, but it is the only field that is objective and fair enough that I will be judged based on what i know and not my body type.


I've worked so hard my entire life. 20 hours a week in high school, and more in college. I've always had to take lower back backroom jobs becuase nobody wants me to be the face of their company. I have to try so much harder than everybody else in order to be even given a chance. A friend said it the best: I pay three times more taxes than anyone else.

I've grown bitter over the years. I take so much in this world and work so hard and get so little back. If I complain (to family, friends), then i'll have none. So i'm expected to toughen it up and just take it...Some times I feel like my body was not meant for this world, i don't know how else to descirbe it.

..how would you feel after preparing hours for an interview (and this was when the economy was booming) only to have the interviewer look at you in amusement as you tried to talk in normal, sensible adult language and then promptly reject you?

When I was 18, my parents inherited enough cash to help me treat this condition with surgery. HOWEVER, they choose instead to invest it into my older sister who ended up going to an ivy league school paid by the inheritance money andn wound up as a high school history teacher, when she could have gotten the same salary going to the State University for 1/5 the cost. My parents are extremely religious and don't believe in surgery for cosmetic improvement. My mother was born extremely beautiful and tall and she doesn't understand that short, ugly people like me how hard we have it. at age 17 she sent me into THERAPY when I became extremely depressed about how hard high school was and how harder I had to try with othehr people to have any shot at even making acquaitances with my facail deformity.

I'm so bitter at my mother for her decision. My mother was adopted, and estranged from her adopted parents, and my father has temper issues that have isolated us from his side of the family. As a result, the only family I have in this world is my mother, older sister, older brother, and father. I really have nobody in this world to turn to, and nobody to help me.

I have been waiting for 10 years for this surgery so i can finaly have the face of an adult and get some respect. It's extremely risky, but then what choice do I have ? I get no respect anywhere and can't get anywhere in life. im not even cute, im deformed looking. I'm basicaly treated like a midget, but get none of the disability benefits they get. I have no real friends to rely on and I'm 25... I should be enjoying my life but instead...this.I can't find a decent bf, I can't get the job I deserve to get with my abilities, and I sure as don't have any enriching social life.


I need to wait 4 more years until I can finally get this surgery. By then I'll be 29. My prime years will be over. You can only live once, and this is the path I was handed. I'm so miserable. i believe that we are alive here on this earth for one reason: an attempt to expand the gene pool through new traits that might help our species adapt. I was the mistake, the mutation, and i have nothing.

Sometimes I see people with friends having fun, or having enriching personal relationships and careers. I won't be able to get any of this, and the most I can do is bottle it up inside and CRY.



why should I do? I can't commit suicide becuase I know there is hope for me in 4 more years, but to think that I will have wasted childhood-30 due to my deformity really hurts me. I have no faith in humanity anymore. All you need to suceed in this world is a beautiful smile and a wonderful outside. The inside doens't even count. it never did.

[Miya]

It's difficult to know what to say in a case like yours Orchid. One thing I have learned is that how we see ourselves is greatly a product of how we are conditioned in society. We see in magazines and tv and hear from parents how we need to be "beautiful" and sexy and smart, etc. but what we rarely here is how we just need to be comfortable with ourselves before any of the rest can be "real."

Your pain comes through in your post and I really empathize with you about this. No one can say anything to "make it right" either.

What I can suggest and it's something you might not want to hear, is for you to practice (it's not an instant thing) loving yourself as you are. Think about 1 or 2 moments in your life where you were truly happy and remember that if you were happy in those moments, then you can be again. We get so misdirected in our lives sometimes that we forget that we only really have each moment to deal with and that nothing guarantees we have the moment after. All the time in the past is unfortunately now in the past and no longer really exists.

Perhaps it would help to see a professional about it. I'm not necessarily a proponent of psychiatrists (though I realize some personality difficulties need medication) but perhaps a psychologist who would have some ways to help you deal with your pain like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

The thing I think you need to remind yourself is that there's really nothing wrong with you. Your body is NOT you! As difficult as it seems try not to be bitter or jealous. You said your parents used the money they had for your sister but try to realize that people do and will continue to make mistakes that after it's done, nothing can change it.

At some point in time the right guy and right job will come along and all this pain will be but a memory. People who treat you differently are not people you even need to have in your life. The one thing is that when they do, you can see this immediately and are not shocked to find they are like this a year or two after the fact.

Maybe what I've said helps (I hope so) but then again perhaps it hasn't. Just know that there are caring people around and some just don't know what to say or do and even whether or not they should just be themselves. LOL a lot of people I've met are not even sure who they are so it's hard for them to be themselves!

You are special because you're a human being. You were able to put into words how you were feeling. You have love to give and obvious intelligence. Don't go over to the bitter dark side no matter how others act towards you. Be comfortable with what you have. Use the extra time to read and learn and study. Know that someone loves and cares for you.

Warmest wishes,
Miya

[Miya]

I just had a thought and I'll put it out here for everyone to consider when we all judge ourselves too harshly about our looks. It's not meant to diminish anyone's pain or anything but just an acknowledgment that no matter how bad we feel at times about ourselves, that there are other people in the world who have problems too. Some are not as severe as our, some are so much more so. I think we get desensitized to photos and stories about other people's problems and maybe it's because it's a self-defense mechanism, I don't know.

I found a photo to illustrate this:

Three-year-old Antonio, who has the weight of a 6-month-old baby, is being treated at a health center for malnourished children.

Again, it's just a thought I had.

[dr.mansview]

you have certainly had a rough go of it "purple o"..i rarely read any posts over 3 paragraphs but yours drew me in..you are very intelligent and have the ability to handle rejection and disappointment way beyond what most people can..u r amazing..
men are very superficial..most judge a woman by what they see..some are even smart enuf (believe it or not) to find out what is in a woman's mind..you have met some of these men but were unaware of it..they ARE out there..and one day u WILL find one, or more probably one will find u..have you ever seen a very obese, homely girl holding hands with a man?..of course u have..there is someone out there for everyone..
and one day when u met that someone you will be grateful for that "porn star" body..you'd rather that than the body of a 12 year old boy, right..
you have made it this far..you have a goal in sight..strive for that goal "orchid"..there are many woman on here with issues about their looks..beautiful women..too bad they didn't have the inner strength that u have..they would do a lot less complaining..
there are many intelligent and insightful women here..(that's why i'm here, to learn)..hang around for a while and you will get some other opinions.."miya" is a smart woman..think about what she has said..keep us posted on your progress..this site needs more women like you..good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

why should I do? I can't commit suicide becuase I know there is hope for me in 4 more years, but to think that I will have wasted childhood-30 due to my deformity really hurts me. I have no faith in humanity anymore. All you need to suceed in this world is a beautiful smile and a wonderful outside. The inside doens't even count. it never did.

You know you don't believe that and someone before me illustrated something even worse to get her point across. Blew me away... Your wrong...........~!

It is the inside that all the "right" people in our lives notice, acknowledge and see.

Do you really comprehend how many lost soles, users who are still, in effect lost soles, lonely people, lost souls who look only for "chemistry? " Not the inner? Cause they are like lions/lionesses, not thinking..? What happens to them? They settle, get divorced.

Strangely enough, the select few "looking and feeling the inner us" are the only ones we really need to know..

Count them though.. they are rare.

Keep searching because even I after 2.3 years are still searching for the one who understands the inner me, and i have been told they have only to prefer to settle back to their old ways...

They are rare..

Forget your disability I have 3..

I don't let it effect me I ensure people don't see it even though it may stare at them in the face.

And, so can you do the same.

CW

[OG612]

I'd like to see your face. I don't care about the body. Just your face.

You say you're not beautiful and that you're "ugly." I say Bull.

You've believed your own self-doubt and negativity for so long that you began to believe and blow it out of proportion. You can ask anybody here about OG, especially Chandler's Wish, and they'll tell you the same thing: He's a bit rough around the edges but one of the most helpful MEN we have on this site.

My business is helping people overcome limiting beliefs. Even if it's a physical problem. Are you sure you can't tough it out four more years? What if working in a hospital lab isn't for you? What if your condition, and the adversities you've faced, would make you a better psychologist or nurse than others? Psychologists and nurses, the good ones anyway, need to be compassionate. Who could possibly be more compassionate than someone who has overcome such adversity?

You've got the disadvantage of living with.... whatever this condition is called. I can't see it from your eyes and to say otherwise would be a bald-faced lie on my part.

But I'd be willing to bet you're not nearly half as "ugly" as you claim to be.

What if I were to become your friend? What I were to be that friend that you seem desperate for? Someone to talk to when you need it? Or even someone just to joke around with.

I don't make fun of people or lead them on. I'm a very big believer in karma and that kind of behavior would really screw me over in the long run.

If you're ready to make that first real connection with someone, even if it is strictly online, then reach out to me.

OG

[WildChild]

It must be very difficult to deal with this. My heart goes out to you but I think some very valid points have been made. The biggest thing that turns people off, turns them away, is attitude. You must let go of your bitterness and anger.

To have friends you have to be a friend. I know a young woman who has a degenerative spinal condition. She is in a wheel chair and will get progressively worse, unless some sort of break through is made, she will die young and will be completely bed ridden before that. She quit getting taller before her teens, she cannot stand, she cannot sit entirely straight. She is all over town, has many friends (some of which her parents would rather she didn't) holds a job, is going to college, has gotten in a bit of trouble occationally. I have never seen her down, or bad tempered. I'm sure she has shed her share of tears in frustration or pain but she doesn't have time to stay there. She knows her prognosis but choses to live for what she can do now and enjoy now. Her parents are divorced, she doesn't come out some perfect family life.

She and you have gotten a raw deal, you had no control over that, but you can control your attitude and responses. A lilt of laughter in your voice will transform your appearance and feeling.

OG is right, no one here can see you. All we know of you are your words. Can you give others here the opportunity to become your friends?

[Isabellacat]

It really sucks that we live in a society like this, so image driven.Makes me so upset to hear how you were treated . Somehow this western society has us brainwashed to believe that our only "prime" years are during our teens and 20s,so NOT true. I feel every minute of our lives we are in our prime.Personally I feel life does'nt really begin until you're 30. Age is just a number and well people tend to seriously trip off really superficial aspects such as "status"and whatnot.Think about when you turn 30 ,you're still gonna look very young ,and by then you'd have your surgery already.Being in the 30s are'nt the end of the world hun, and it's not old either. I feel your life is way more important .You're only 25
too...so much to look forward to. One of my friends who passed recently, she was only 34. That's young still and makes me so heartbroken and sad that she still had a long way to go.

Alot of people don't have friends, not even a satisfying social life even as normal as they seem and look.So I only had one chance to go to the prom and I blew it, I don't have any friends and I feel I look like sh** alot of times compared to others.My boobs are small and I feel tall compared to other women sometimes(I'm 5'6").I was made fun of in school too.My best friend died in front of me recently.I was homeless at one point and had no hope I was ever going to have a home again.I don't have much female friends now either.Alot of people don't even get hired for jobs these days. I was once fired from a waitressing job at a Pakistani restaurant 2 years ago simply because the manager said he felt my bright orange hair at the time did'nt fit in with the Muslim crowd and that my face did'nt seem pretty enough to him.Those were his exact words and they really hurt. When I was homeless,that was the worst. When I mentioned I lived in a shelter at job interviews,they looked at me like I was crazy.Despite people always complimenting my looks, I never was lucky at getting hired for a job that I personally wanted over the recent years,so that made me believe there was something wrong with me. I had an interview at Victoria's Secret once and felt totally humiliated that they made me stand in front of the store just to checkout if my looks seemed perfect for them. Obviously the girl next to me with the bigger boobs got hired.Sheesh.. You know how that made me feel??? I felt very ugly.I also felt like I did'nt want to live because of things like that. Until I actually saw my friend pass away in front of me,things like that don't matter to me anymore...what really matters is that life is short. I'm not gonna trip off the peanut gallery just because they think I don't look like a supermodel.


I say hang in there.....there's alot of people who would actually trade places with you and that's true. There are kids starving, who can't walk, can't see,living in a warzone.....they'd trade places with you in an instant. You say you have a nice body. You still have hope in getting the surgery you desire too,so why want to stop living when obviously you have good things coming to you? Just because of an age number??What's so wrong with being in your 30s and getting complimented that you look like in your teens still??Sure people may seem better,but fact of the matter is nobody's perfect and nobody is better no matter what circumstance they were thrown in.

Alot of people,they look and seem perfectly healthy but I've heard them say the same thing"Ohh I don't think I can live any longer.."for whatever reason.I feel that's crossed every person's mind at some point in life no matter what status they're in.