Being the oldest must be hard.

[SwanJohnson]

I have three boys. My oldest is seven the the other two are 2 yrs and 10 months. My oldest is struggling in school but I know he is smarter than he lets on. My husband and I feel like we are sometimes to harder on him because he is the oldest and should set the example. We try to set aside time for each child and do something special. He is not my husbands child and though he tries to treat him the same as the other two he has often remarked how it is easier with his real children. Not saying my hubby is a bad guy he went from having no knowledge of kids to having and instant son when we married. So in some ways he's still learning as am I. Any ideas on how to make things go a little smoother with my guys?

[WildChild]

Being the oldest you are the test subject. You get in trouble for things the younger ones get permission for. You are held accountable for setting an example and for the behavior of the younger ones. (I was the eldest)

Spend some special time with your oldest doing things the little ones can't. Make sure you don't hold him back. Don't turn him into your babysitter or back up. Let him help you appropriately. Encourage him with all the things he can do, allow him to have his own space and possessions which he doesn't have to share. Observe him with his peers, it will help you get a better sense of where he really is developmentally but always remember that every child is different. Make learning fun and exciting.

At this age the brain is still developing all those connections. Many kids cannot read until past the age of seven because the mind to eye connections are not fully formed and the early readers have a Much higher rate of vision problems later on. Our educational systems have bought into some very poor reasoning in teaching up to this age group. They need to be developing skills and coordination rather than reading and writing. Hold off on this another year or so and they will pick it up really easily. I didn't learn to read until 3rd grade, by the end of the year was reading at 6th grade level and in another year, at HS level, then college level. My kids did essentially the same thing. I read to them constantly and not just little kid books. I read them Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, the complete Pooh, all 15 of the OZ books - before they started school. When the mind was ready, they had the tools and ran with them. Give him the tools; the colors and paper, the legos, the tinker toys, magnifying glasses and binoculars. My daughter could use a basic microscope before she could read.

Don't worry about all the state tests, all those show is their regurgitation skills. Play letter and number games. While you are driving in the car count things, spell, play rhyming games, have him solve simple math in his head. Things like Cadoo, jr Mastermind, Constructionary, dominos, memory, Where's Waldo and I Spy books. Challenge his mind without frustrating him or passing judgement. The added bonus is the younger one will pick up some of it too. Keep it fun. Learning is an adventure! Children are a delight and a true growth experience.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with WC.

But, I also want to state this:-

he has often remarked how it is easier with his real children.

Do you think if a person makes that remark, they don't mean it?

Do you think a 7 year old child doesn't feel it?

This is the core of your problem.

You are forgiving and trying to understand but not seeing the complete picture.

He said those words " his real children"....

Your child knows he does not see him as his.

If you think I am wrong, ask him when he's 18 and he will tell you how he always felt like he was the odd one out.

You need to concentrate on this child.

And, you need to correct your man and tell him, he is his child too, you married and that's it and you need to have him spend alone time with your 7 year old so he can feel just as loved and wanted..

NOW..

Before it's too late.

CW