Need to understand my husband, need some advice

[arrowhead]

hello,
first of all i want to appologize if my grammar is not correct or if i write in a weird way but i am german (married to an american since this year) and not that good in expressing my feelings in english. but i will try

well, like i already said ive been married to an african american since this year and i love living over here in the states. but we grown up in totally different cultures and i dont understand some of his acting.
as there is his flirting... (i must say in germany a relationship between a guy and a girl is not divided in dating, bf and gf and so on. we are bf and gf and thats it. we are faithful to a bf like we were faithful to a husband, it doesnt matter. in america it does matter if u are "just" dating or "just" bf and gf. its like its not that serious until u get married, anyways...).
i dont understand why he has to have all this profiles like blackplanet etc. to flirt with girls (its not a big deal for him). plus he has a million female friends which are texting their off (what really irritates me ). i always ask him if they dont know about me or if they dont know that he is married now and he always say well some of them know and some dont, it doesnt make a difference (to me it does ?!) i really dont understand that he needs all this attention from girls. he has female friends in germany too. sometimes when he sleeps i look into his cellphone ( i know, i know i shouldnt...) and read textmessages and he writes stuff like : i wish u could do me! hellooo???! once i got so pissed that i asked him why he does that and if that turns him on and he respond no but he likes that it turns her on and its not a big deal. wth?! i mean common he is married?! this girl writes him when he is on his way to work so she knows he is not at home so that makes me think all he does when he drives to work is text with a girl in germany to turn her on while she is at work or what?! i really dont get it... today i read a text like that again, it seems like she was supposed to call him or something but didnt. i really dont know what to think of that. sometimes i think he isnt ready for a "real" marriage so he is trying to keep this ties to his female friends so he doesn feel old and married.

i am really pissed right now and i cant think clear but wanted to write it off my chest. i hope someone can tell me how to react when i catch him doing something like that. i dont want him to know that i read his cell phone messages sometimes because i know he will just make sure to delete everything before i get a chance to read it. i dont know if i do that because i want to catch him (he cheated on me while i was in germany). i really dont know. this whole relationship made me a jealous person ive never been, it was hard having a long distance relationship and now im insecure bout everything. i dont know how to get secure and trust him when i always find something like that. ok i could calm myself down saying this girl is in germany and not a big deal BUT i cannot think like that it irritates me too much!!
i know i have to be more calm and relaxed but everytime i try i find something like that. like god wants to give me a hint that he will never change...
my husband told me he knows he has to change and act more like he supposed to act since he is married now but its hard for him. he always promisses me that he will get to this point and he is workin on it. i believe him but then i think why does he always hide stuff from me? why cant he be more open? my biggest question is WHY is he doing this? WHY does he need this attention and WHY does he want girls to know he wants their ?!? WHAT is the purpose of that?! i really dont get it. he is married and some of the girls know it so what are they thinkin bout our marriage? that its a joke?? of course im pissed at those girls too especially that one from germany cuz her bf cheated on her so i dont get why she is talkin to him like that when she knows he is married now... !

i would like to hear some oppinions. maybe i overreact, maybe not. just let me know how u would think or act... thank u for reading it i hope it wasnt too confusing...

[tritonalum07]

Lovebug, you're not overreacting. He has you believing that here in the US, things like what he's putting you through are commonplace in a normal relationship. Maybe in a dysfunctional relationship, yes. But in most relationships that I know of, there is NO flirting going on with other people. It's a matter of respect for you and for himself. How dare he? Since you've already voiced your opposition to what he's been doing (and I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't doubt if he's physically cheating along with the emotional cheating), I would take your things and go. Call his bluff. The longer you stay around, the more power he has over you to continue to treat you like you're second. And you should absolutely come first. In this case, I think you need to look out for #1.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with the above.

I am in Australia but boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, same thing.. You are loyal ,your flirting is tame and done in-front of your partner so that there is no jealousy and there definately is no emotional cheating and sex talk in a relationship, especially only one year.

I have had a long distance relationship, America - Australia.. I am curious as to where you two met, a dating site? That particular site you mentioned? And, how long you two were "dating" long distance before you gave everything up in Germany to come to America to be with someone you love.

You seem quite down to earth in a way. You don't come across as someone who isn't understanding of things...

You say he cheated on you "before you got married", how did you find that out? Did he openly apologise and tell you?

Also, he has stated that he is aware it's wrong and he is "trying", perhaps he's addicted to all the attention women can give guys and can't give that up. So, I have to ask, is your relationship cheeky? Or are you just a "wife"...

You do need to let him know that you are aware that relationships of any kind in any Country, are exactly that, there is none of this going on and if there is, the partner whom is being emotionally cheated on walks. Ask him what's more important, them or you because if it continues, then you may just go back to Germany and leave him with it all.

See how he reacts when you actually stand up for yourself, instead of only voicing your plea to him of what you don't like.

He's disrespecting you and it's only been 1 year, it's time for him to mature, grow up and understand what constitutes a marriage.

CW

[HALFNOTHING]

agreed

the post sounds as alarm to you to wake u up in that situation.. pack your things up.. 1 yr is very early for him to do such things.. if you already talked to him and did nothing.. pack your things..
once you're away from him, he will realize and determine who among you that is worth living with.. his girls or his wife?

aba! once you're married that means you did turned your back on flirting. there is a big responsibility..

[GlitterAndStuds]

I can say I'm born and raised in the States, and his behavior would not be okay with me. I agree that he's saying things like "it's not a big deal" and telling you that's how relationships are over here, just so you won't get angry and question it. He's trying to convince you it's okay, but it's not. It IS a big deal. He should be talking like that to no one but you, his wife. It shouldn't matter to him if something he says turns the other woman on. It's not his job to do that, it shouldn't be his concern. They can go get turned on by something else, and he knows this.

I think he loves the attention he's getting. You need to let him know that you will not stand for this, and that it makes you feel like he doesn't care. If he's truly working on it, then he should hear you and knock it off.

[Miya]

I agree with everyone else who's posted. It's not ok and it's not something normal. I've lived in many countries and cultures during my life and have not seen that kind of thing be OK anywhere. I'm born Japanese and married to an American and this would not be ok for either of us to do. (nor would I want to for that matter)

It's really not something you should have to put up with but you are in a dilemma. Unless they've changed the laws or your sponsorship is through someone else, you're sponsored for the immigration for 5 years here and if there is a divorce or something they can revoke residency I think. I'd check into it before doing anything but you really shouldn't have to deal with this kind of garbage and disrespect.

[OhThereYouAre]

Unacceptable.

Completely and utterly unacceptable.

I guarantee the man is cheating on you, physically and emotionally.

Make a stand...from what he's said, he's got NO intention of stopping his habits. I'd leave him regardless of the consequences. I'd rather live cold and alone in Germany than with someone who treats me as such.

If you don't stand up for your own dignity, who is going to?

[Miya]

I agree OTYA but it's such a hard thing to do after making that long move going through the exhasperating and arduous task of dealing with Immigration and Homeland Security. *sigh* I too would rather just go back home than deal with someone like this. It's only 1 year into it and he's already (or probably never stopped) doing this cr*p.

I doubt he plans to change.

[arrowhead]

thank all of u for ur answers!
i dont have a lot of time right now to reply. i just wanted to say that he has not start doing all that this year. thats how he has been all his life (a flirt) and all the years ive known him and like he is trying to make it sound it is hard for him to "let go". ive been telling him that he cannot act like he is single with these girls and flirt how he used to and he does agree and tell me he knows he need to change. he keeps repeating that he knows he is not supposed to talk to girls like that since he is married but its not like we have been together forever after knowing each other really well before we decided to get married . of course we got married because we love each other but to be honest the main thing was to finally be together and have a real and normal relationship because i was tired of going back and forth all the time. "unfortunately" we had to rush into a marriage and here we are now (after a couple of years talking and seeing each other for not longer than 3 months in a row and no we didnt meet online, i dont even have a blackplanet). it is hard to deal with a daily routine after a longdistance relationship because u find out so much about ur partner what u usually find out before u even move in together. others get to know each other trough dating, talking, being bf and gf for years, then moving in together and then when they are sure they get married. well at least thats what i think but we could not get to know each other on a daily routine so we are "stuck" with each others mistakes now and have to deal with it since we are married and cannot break up just because the other one is "not acting the way i like it". do u know what i am trying to say?
oh and what i wrote about the "excuses" its not what he said, its what i think or heard about the state. he never said anything like "dating system is different in the usa and u should deal with it" thats what i "found out" myself talkin to different couples. i guess the way i wrote it down made u think that he uses that as an excuse but no. all he always say is "dont trip its not a big deal".

ok, i gotta go but i will take time to write more later!! thanks again for all of ur answers!

[GlitterAndStuds]

Does he actually say it's not a big deal just because you haven't been together for years? That's still not right to me. If anything, that would me off even more if my SO ever used that logic for talking to other women that way. It doesn't matter how long you've been together, he made a commitment to you and he should stick by it. It's one thing to flirt...everyone flirts. But saying things like that to someone else is still unacceptable. Saying "It's not like we've been together forever" is basically disrespecting your relationship and implying that it doesn't matter. So if you guys are still together 10 years from now, he'll just stop after continuing it for so long? It doesn't really work like that.