only boyfriend and nothing more?

[thebride]

Hi,

I would like to ask about your opinion. I've been in a serious relationship with mu boyfriend for the past 6 year, we live together and we even plan to have a family and to get married. At least I thought so.

I mean, we never really discussed marriage seriously, but I always somehow presumed we are going to get married at least because of the kids. I was looking up these wedding rings for us, completely in love with them btw. and he knew that, and when I showed him the sites he started screaming at me how dare I to drag him into something we never agreed on he said so many bad things, I was so shocked.

Do you think that it could be just a fear from commitment? But what he will never want me to be his wife? I don't want to have just a boyfriend. And what if he has e.g. somebody else?

Sorry for freaking out but I need to find an answer or I'll go nuts soon.

[Kallygirlie]

wow, he just started screaming like that just by being shown these rings. After 6 yrs you would think the marrige thing would be somewhere in the picture considering now days people are getting married within yrs. Have you tried to talk to him about this without showing him rings. Maybe he felt like you were trying to plan something by showing him the rings. Men dont get hints sometimes. They dont get "hey see these rings....HINT HINT WINK WINK". I think after 6 yrs you need to sit down and talk about where you are heading. If in 6 yrs he still doesn't see you getting married then chances are it may never go that way. I think 6 yrs is plenty of time to figure out if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Now I think the exception to this is age. I've seen people who got together in jr high or high school together for 6 yrs in there very early 20's talking marriage. That is a totally different topic. If he is young then I can see his fear of committment. Either way he needs to not freak out and you both need to have a serious talk

[OhThereYouAre]

You say:

...we live together and we even plan to have a family and to get married.

Then you say:

I mean, we never really discussed marriage seriously....

So it isn't "we" that plan to get married...it's YOU that planned on getting marrried.

I was looking up these wedding rings for us, completely in love with them btw. and he knew that, and when I showed him the sites he started screaming at me how dare I to drag him into something we never agreed on he said so many bad things, I was so shocked.

Exactly - he got angry that you were making life altering plans that affect him behind his back, without consulting him. I would be kinda ticked, too.

Do you think that it could be just a fear from commitment? But what he will never want me to be his wife? I don't want to have just a boyfriend. And what if he has e.g. somebody else?

Sorry for freaking out but I need to find an answer or I'll go nuts soon.

If you are asking these questions in earnest, I think they should be directed at your guy, and not here.

[WildChild]

Well OTYA expressed what I was thinking. With that much time together it might seem natural to make a formal commitment but if you haven't discussed it specifically you can't assume it. If you think you want children with this man you need to do some serious talking and lay out what you both expect and how you both want it to work. Thankfully marriage is no longer requisite for successfully raising children, or for spending a lifetime with someone.

Think about what you are really saying, you were completely "in love" with the rings? A ring is a symbol not a goal or a lifestyle. The evidence is all around us that a ring, signing on the dotted line, dressing up and having a party; none of that makes a relationship or even a true commitment. Those are supposed to be a symbol, a public sharing of commitment and a change in legal standing - so is forming a corporation, havng a logo and taking shares public.

The two of you need to talk but first you need to get clear what you want and why? Why is marrying important? Why are rings important? Why? Because you grew up being told that was what you were "supposed" to do? Some people have a deeply held religious belief that marriage is required for children, for sex, for sharing a home. You are living together so that doesn't sound like it. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to marry but you need to be clear why you want to do it. You also need to know why he doesn't. Our society has a fantasy that this is something all women want and wait for, that requires the male to propose, I think the truth is that it must be a mutual desire and mutual decision.

You may require that legal commitment before having children to feel comfortable doing that. It won't guarantee anything - nothing does. Either the love and commitment are there or not. You both need to be clear what you want. Too many people go into relationships or marriages based on wishes and assumptions (I did it) and are shocked to learn their spouses assumptions are different. Better to work it out before hand. You won't agree on everything but you need to be on the same page with the big stuff.

[Frustr8ed]

Back the angry truck up a bit OTYA. I don't see how this was done "behind his back". You make it sound worse than it is. She wants to get married, he doesn't.

OTYA is correct on his final point there though. You need to sit down and get these answers from your guy. He is totally not ready to get married and the fact that you made the assumption that he does is what set him off. After 6 years, he's already got what he wants and he's comfortable with it.

[OhThereYouAre]

Think about what you are really saying, you were completely "in love" with the rings? A ring is a symbol not a goal or a lifestyle. The evidence is all around us that a ring, signing on the dotted line, dressing up and having a party; none of that makes a relationship or even a true commitment.

Exactly. What do you want? Do you want a big ring, and a big party, Or do you want a legal designation added to your relationship to cure some insecurity?

Too many times, that's what the impetus for marriage is.

The two of you need to talk but first you need to get clear what you want and why? Our society has a fantasy that this is something all women want and wait for, that requires the male to propose, I think the truth is that it must be a mutual desire and mutual decision.

Yes - talk first and come to a mutual decision. This isn't "your day" as the media would like you to believe. That day, should you two decide to get married, will belong to both of you.

Too many people go into relationships or marriages based on wishes and assumptions (I did it) and are shocked to learn their spouses assumptions are different. Better to work it out before hand. You won't agree on everything but you need to be on the same page with the big stuff.

Awesome advice.

[GlitterAndStuds]

If you two have never actually sat down and specifically talked about this, then he probably felt kind of attacked, if you will. He was probably thinking that your situation was all fine and dandy, then all of a sudden he's being shown rings and all that, so it's kind of like having someone drop a bomb on you. He felt a lot of pressure all at once, and that made him freak out.

I'm not at all saying this was your intention, it obviously wasn't. But this is the sort of thing that people need to be eased into talking about. Not full fledged "here are the rings, let's make a plan". That should come way later. All this being said, I should ask, have you discussed this before the ring showing? Has he ever outright said he wants to get married to you someday, and vice versa? I know you said you have never discussed it seriously, but has it come up ever?

You need to know if this is something he wants before planning things like this. It wouldn't be too good to have all these ideas for you guys, and then find out you want different things.

[tritonalum07]

Hmmm. While I agree that the approach wasn't the greatest, I don't agree that he had the right to fly off the handle and say things that would hurt you. Personally, I would take this as a red flag and proof that often when you live with a man before he has proposed, he probably won't. Why buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free? Why should he make that commitment since you're already living with him, doing things for him, and playing house? Just some things to think about before you have that conversation. And no, I'm not saying you're a cow .

[AloneNtheCrowd]

I agree with most of what was said here. Although I do think saying mean things was a over the top and uncalled for. I do disagree with the "Why buy the Cow" thinking though. Marriage doesn't always equal commitment(it should be though), I know couples who have dated for years and out lasted some married couples. You guys should really be communicating more about what you both want and expect for the future, and even your views on marriage in general. Some people feel like if you are not married in X years you should drop em cold turkey, other are opposed to the traditional labels of husband and wife or marriage completely. You HAVE TO be on the same page with something as life changing as marriage.....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi,

I would like to ask about your opinion. I've been in a serious relationship with mu boyfriend for the past 6 year, we live together and we even plan to have a family and to get married. At least I thought so.

I mean, we never really discussed marriage seriously, but I always somehow presumed we are going to get married at least because of the kids. I was looking up these wedding rings for us, completely in love with them btw. and he knew that, and when I showed him the sites he started screaming at me how dare I to drag him into something we never agreed on he said so many bad things, I was so shocked.

Do you think that it could be just a fear from commitment? But what he will never want me to be his wife? I don't want to have just a boyfriend. And what if he has e.g. somebody else?

Sorry for freaking out but I need to find an answer or I'll go nuts soon.

Firstly I noted, HD removed the link and I'm not sure why you were wanting to show us wedding rings, a brand? Or a site?

Anyways, I think more than anything your nieve if this is the picture that you want us to see, because after 6 years together? You should know if he wants to marry you or doesnt want to marry you.

Also the way I read this guys, is "he knew" she was looking at wedding rings and he didn't go off at her then did he. It was only when she decided to show him what she liked. Was it too expensive? Because, I can't see how a guy could listen to you talk about wedding rings and not have a tantrum and then have one when you show him a site and accuse you of "dragging him into something you never agreed to". Furthermore, how a guy can be with a woman 6 years and not assume that it will eventuate into longer term and why he didn't have the "balls" to state, he never wants to get married or doesn't want to marry her any time soon, isn't he really a tad, well selfish as well?

6 years is a long time, nieve or not, for a woman to hang about with a dream.

There are two sides to every story whether this is fictional or not.

OP. 6 years? What about if he has someone else? What about if he has a fear of commitment? You two seriously need to understand the word communication, because there is none in your relationship. Your living day by day with no comprehention of what the future holds.

CW