Rant - I cant say the L word

[Nats]

I cant say it...Im not in love with my fiance...But he's a nice guy, well mannered, respectful and hardworking - He tells me he loves me all the time, ALL THE TIME...But I just cant...'cause I dont...Im sure, given some time together and getting closer, Ill be there...But I just dont right now...We had a pretty big fight over the phone last night about it...I guess I took it to heart more than I thought I did...He thinks Im with someone else, and thats why...Im not leading him on, he's known from the beginning how I feel...Its tough to know you're holding someone's heart and you keep fumbling it in your palm 'cause your so shaky about it...'Maybe I should just give it back' is whats been running around in my mind all night...

I miss the days when I was young and an ice cream cone, double scoop of rocky road, would be enough to take away all of the worries...

Rant ova...

[OhThereYouAre]

This was an arranged marriage, correct?

[Nats]

Yeah...

[WildChild]

The infatuation chemicals stay in our bodies 6 months to 2 years, at least that's the current understanding. ( My own guess is some people keep them just about forever or never) You haven't gotten it, he has. You sound like you are making a considered choice, which is in keeping with the cultural imperatives you were raised with. This has worked, sometimes very well, in a closed society where there isn't much mixing of genders. What happens if you eventually marry this man, having never had the infatuation rush and meet someone that you do get it with? The other side of this is that you may slowly develop deep feelings for him, you are still finding out.

It's after the initial "rush" subsides that you find out what you really have, but that rush is powerful and can be compelling. Some of us only get it if we are "available" emotionally. That is the case for me. In that case if you are committed and your needs are met, there is no temptation. But have you had this experience? Do you know how you would handle it?

Stay up front with him. You've been together how long? Once his infatuation subsides he may no longer be able to tollerate your inability to match his affection. Is he willing to stay the course and see how you feel in 6 months? Are you? Is there something in you that holds you back from loving or is it this specific man?

[Nats]

Oh WC...Im so done...None of that ever occurred to me...

We've been engaged for a year, have "known" each other for two...

[WildChild]

Yeah...

So how well do you know each other? How much time have you had together? I've seen plenty of this and often as soon as the arrangement is made, the words start being said as an expected thing. "I'm going to marry you so I love you". If you don't feel it, have some attraction, this may not be for you.

The movie propaganda, that makes it all work out, is just that- a way of reinforcing the status quo. Monsoon Wedding is one movie that did that and made it mainstream in western countries. I've known people who did make happy matches and others who live in hades on earth - but then I know plenty of both in non-arranged marriages too.

Only you can decide what is right for you. You know what may happen if you buck the culture and family. But you are living in a country where you have options, what price are you willing to pay? Either way very well it may direct the rest of your life.

I think of a line from a Shawn Phillips song, "she is free, but she does not know the price she has to pay."

[Miya]

That's a difficult place to be in. When we were living in India I had a couple of friends faced with an arranged marriage who said they didn't really love their fiance. Cultures have different ideas of marriage and companionship than others and frankly a lot of research has been done to show that these marriages last longer than "love" marriages postulating that these couple do not come together for superficial reasons or elaborate expectations.

Anyhoo, have you tried just sitting down and talking to him about it? Find out who he really is and share your thoughts and feelings with him openly and honestly? Perhaps you've tried that already and if so, my apologies.

I wish you both the best.

[Nats]

That's a difficult place to be in. When we were living in India I had a couple of friends faced with an arranged marriage who said they didn't really love their fiance. Cultures have different ideas of marriage and companionship than others and frankly a lot of research has been done to show that these marriages last longer than "love" marriages postulating that these couple do not come together for superficial reasons or elaborate expectations.

Anyhoo, have you tried just sitting down and talking to him about it? Find out who he really is and share your thoughts and feelings with him openly and honestly? Perhaps you've tried that already and if so, my apologies.

I wish you both the best.

Oh my gosh, dont apologise!

That is so sweet, thank you...

I've been talking to him about it ALOT - I started out yesterday's conversation that way, trying to see if he really feels as strongly as he thinks he does and he just lost it...I've never seen him get angry so I was quite taken aback..we went at it for a bit and then he hung up on me...

[Miya]

Aww that's a horrible way to end a conversation. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone just hung up on me. You tried to talk to him at least. My DH and I have had fights before but we try to never part angry or sleep angry.

How long have you two known each other and/or been engaged? I can't speak for how guys think, only from what I've experienced or heard about but the ones I've encountered but they tended to get upset or more emotional easier (attached to the idea of love and "having" someone...and they say WE are the more emotional ones?? ). It could simply be this. Maybe try to tell him that you show him through your actions how "deeply you care.?" You shouldn't be the one who's put on the defensive though. You're being honest and he needs to realize you have your entire lives together and that rushing these things will hurt this bond that you two are forming.

Maybe he won't understand, but I'd hope he would.

[Nats]

So how well do you know each other? How much time have you had together? I've seen plenty of this and often as soon as the arrangement is made, the words start being said as an expected thing. "I'm going to marry you so I love you". If you don't feel it, have some attraction, this may not be for you.

The movie propaganda, that makes it all work out, is just that- a way of reinforcing the status quo. Monsoon Wedding is one movie that did that and made it mainstream in western countries. I've known people who did make happy matches and others who live in hades on earth - but then I know plenty of both in non-arranged marriages too.

Only you can decide what is right for you. You know what may happen if you buck the culture and family. But you are living in a country where you have options, what price are you willing to pay? Either way very well it may direct the rest of your life.

I think of a line from a Shawn Phillips song, "she is free, but she does not know the price she has to pay."

I've known him two years - He doesnt live here, he'll be migrating here later this year. So I've always just thought that he has such intense emotions b/c Im so far away...

I dont feel it, not even a bit...I actually get annoyed with his calls and constant messaging...I know its terrible but I cant really help how I feel...I've been working at it though...

Thats a lot to think about...I guess I never really gave it enough thought 'cause I always knew I would have to have an arranged marriage and I wouldnt have any say in who it would be so it didnt matter what I thought of him, just what my fam thinks of him...

This is a terrible time to be having an epiphany like this...