How do I help my boyfriend who has genital herpes?

[sexybabe]

I've been dating this amazing guy for the past year and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him so much, yet we have some issues that we're dealing with. One of these is concerning his condition. He has genital herpes. He told me about his condition before we started dating because he said he cares about me and wanted to be honest with me. He wanted to be sure that I am ready to accept what he has in my life. Believe it or not, it was nothing to me. I have completely accepted him and his condition and it was never a problem with me. I made a lot of research to educate myself about his condition, to understand the risks that come with having a partner with herpes, and to know how we can prevent him from transmitting the virus to me. However, the past year has been especially difficult for him. Before, he would have breakouts 3-4 times a year but since we started dating, he got breakouts almost every month. It was during the time we started going out when he also moved up with his career, which means more stress and more responsibilities. Unfortunately, stress is the number 1 cause of herpes breakouts. As he noticed the breakouts becoming more and more often and severe, he got very concerned to the point that he could no longer bring himself to desire me (or to have sex with me). The fact that we don't make love as often as I want to bothers me. And seeing how I'm affected by all this bothers him so much, too. He is so scared of me getting the disease and that I would have to go through what he is going through now. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how much he wants to work things out so that we can start planning for our future together.

I love him with all my heart. I know what I got myself into and I am ready for the worst. To me, being with him and spending the rest of our lives together outweighs having to deal with herpes. I constantly tell him that I don't care about what he has and that I never valued him any less for having it. Yet, he is in constant battle with himself, struggling to convince himself that it's ok, that he still has a great life ahead of him, that it's not so bad as what it seems.

How do I help him overcome this? I can't think of anything else to do except to constatly reassure him that I completely accept him and what he has in my life, that I understand he is going through something very difficult and that I will always be there for him. How do I convince him not to make it more than what it is, and not to let the virus beat him? Our life together depends on whether he will overcome his fears or not (at least before I start losing hope myself - I sincerely hope not).

Please help me. Does anyone around here have or have had a partner with genital herpes? I need some advice. This just gets harder everyday. I don't want to give up on him, but how do I help him not to give up on himself???

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know there was a thread about this and I can't locate it.

I noted however, several in the gyno section of simular questions un-answered, I guess we should look at that section from time to time, gang..

Amongst that though there was conversation about treatment that can actually cure it...over time. Has your boyfriend/or you looked into this from a Doctor?

In any event, it's more likely that it's the stress that he's under and then the break-outs and fear that you will leave him, depressing him.

There would be a mixture of feelings going on with him at present I think.

All you can do is re-assure him that you are not going any where, perhaps look into the treatment side of things to give him an answer he may not have been aware existed .

Don't give up you've spent to long already.

CW

[sexybabe]

Yes, a lot of feelings going on with him. His fears of passing it on to me and to our kids, the way his body seems to be defeated by the virus (He thinks that he might be experiencing breakouts more often because he's getting older), and how this thing messes up with his mind. I'm not sure if I still have the strength for everything. Sometimes, I would find myself discouraged when we talk about this. There seems to be no progress in him. He talks about the same fears over and over, and I can't think of anything else to do except to keep on reassuring him. Sometimes I wonder if things will be easier for him if I got the virus, too. At least, he wouldn't feel so alone. But yeah.. I know that's a stupid thought.

We went to check with the doctor a few months ago and we were told that there's still no treatment for herpes. I'm from Asia so I'm not really sure if there's any medication that's been developed in the US or in other parts of the globe to cure herpes. Please, please.. let me know if you know of anything. You're right, I should start focusing on the treatment side. Perhaps that will give him some hope.

Thank you so much for you help, CW!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have sent you a Private Message that may help you look into things more.

Also though you must stress with him that "stress" and "Heat" bring it on and he has to try to calm himself more.

Let me know what you think after looking at the info via PM.


CW

[Haven]

We went to check with the doctor a few months ago and we were told that there's still no treatment for herpes. I'm from Asia so I'm not really sure if there's any medication that's been developed in the US or in other parts of the globe to cure herpes.

There's no cure for genital herpes. This comes straight from the US Center for Disease Control.

Treatment does exist to manage the symptoms and help prevent the spread of the virus, but conditional probability will be working against you. You can't be safe because the virus can still be contagious even when he's not showing any symptoms.
Mothers with genital herpes can pass it on to their children during pregnancy or childbirth, so if you're going to have kids with him, do it while you're uninfected.

[sexybabe]

CW,

Thank you so much for the link. I saw a lot of other medications he might be interested to try. He's currently using one of the treatments in the list: Valtrex. Now I'm thinking that he might be immune to it already, and that he might want switch to a different meds. I will talk to him about this.

Thank you so much! This is the first time in the past 13 months that I didn't feel so alone. I don't know how to talk to anyone about my problem. I don't want people to start judging me, or worst, him. I am so glad to have found this site.

Thanks and may God bless you, CW.

[sexybabe]

Haven,

Thank you. Yes, there is still no known cure for herpes

The thing is, we can't even begin to think about having kids while he is going through this phase with his condition. He is totally discouraged and scared. I did several research on the risks of having herpes during pregnancy, and I know that I have to be very careful not to get infected at any time during pregnancy. If I do have a breakout at the time of delivery, I learned that a C-section will greatly decrease the chances of passing it on to the baby. I know that there's a way to manage the situation. The problem is, I can't seem to convince him that everything's gonna be ok. He is still discouraged and I'm afraid I might eventually get sucked into it. I don't wanna lose hope, but how can I go on if I don't see the confidence in him? I'm so confused and sad and sometimes I wonder if everything I'm going through right now is even worth it...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I hope you can get him past this.

My first boyfriend had Herpes and passed it on to my best friend, whom had an affair with him, fortunately I never contracted it. He went on to get married and had children, so did she.

I am gathering you are young so there is strength there in you... But, he has to "want" to work through this and get it under control to a good degree.. Perhaps even a little councelling wouldn't hurt him, keep him more positive.

Good luck. I am a believer that there is ways around everything in life, if you only think positive.



CW

[AloneNtheCrowd]

Stay strong, you guys can get through this. I just want to say it's really great that you accepted him as is and didn't run for the hills.... I've know a few people with Herpes and some people aren't understanding at all, leaving the individual feeling isolated and alone. His feelings probably stem from his love for you... just reassure him you are going to be there! FYI i once read something about a possible vaccine in development, not sure when/if it will be on the market anytime soon though. And I also know as far as having kids it's not a huge problem as long as you are not having an outbreak during labor(even so a C-section should greatly reduce the chances of passing it to the baby). Good luck, I hope you guys stick it out!

[prawnprincess]

Approximately 1 in 5 American adults have herpes II but 80% don't know it (1 in 6 Australians, also under-diagnosed)? Some people don't exhibit the symptoms (especially men), so it is so unfair that some people have the unluckiness to experience persistent outbreaks. Poor guy. Guilt for such an embarrassing condition can be stressful and frustrating. I know some people would congratulate you for staying with him, but I think that sticking by someone you love should be expected rather than praiseworthy. Everyone has some unfortunate things he/she has to deal with, and this one just happens to be physically apparent. Hopefully the outbreaks will decrease over time, as is usually the case.

It sounds like you are very sensitive and supportive. It sounds like you are doing the best you can, keeping pressure off him sexually while still letting him know you find him desirable. The last thing you want is for sex to be painful for him, and thus something he dreads but does anyway to please you.

Keep up the search to help prevent outbreaks. Valtrex/Acyclovir and Lysine supplements have been known to decrease outbreaks. I wish your man wasn't so stressed about the situation. I hope he is not staying with you just because he's afraid no one else would accept him with his condition. I hope he will relax about it sometime soon, because that would probably help decrease the outbreaks.

On a more controversial note, if you two are truly committed to be together forever I don't think it would be the end of the world if you contracted herpes II. This probably sounds off the wall, but if you stay together, there is a possibility that you might contract it. Usually the first outbreak is bad, but usually women experience a few outbreaks the first year, and barely any after that. 20-25% of pregnant women have herpes II. According to a U of Washington study published in Jan 2003, women who got herpes II before pregnancy only have a risk of two births in 5,761, for transmitting it to their infants. This reflects the relatively inefficient transmission of herpes when the infant has specific antibodies for the virus received from the mother. That was published almost 7 years ago, so think of how much it's probably decreased since then.

Hang in there.