The Next Step

[medicmom74]

I was married in January of this year. Yesterday I caught my husband cheating. My "gut" instinct told me this was going to happen and I posted a previous thread concerning his text messaging this woman. Well last night when we were talking he admitted to another cheat. That is 2 cheats in 8 months of our marriage. He says he loves me and will stop. He even suggested marriage counseling which I am willing to try. I am not sure what I want to do at this point. My "gut" instinct is telling me that no matter what I do he will do it again. Not only that but when I look at him, I picture him and this woman together. It makes me physically ill. Does anyone have any advice? Have you been there? I need suggestions. Am I the only one with a "gut" instinct?

[GlitterAndStuds]

Everyone has a gut instinct, it just depends on whether or not you listen to it. This is tough because, while it's great that he suggested counseling and that you're going to give it a shot, it could be difficult to make any progress if you're spending the whole time waiting for him to do it again. Hopefully he will be able to prove to you that he DOES want to stop... did he seem sincere when he said all this, or did it seem more like he just thought it was the right thing to say?

Either way, definitely give this marriage counseling thing a shot. I know I would have my doubts about staying with someone who has already cheated on me twice, because that trust is gone. But maybe you guys will be able to get to the root of why he would do that to you, and hopefully be able to fix things.

[Kallygirlie]

I've always believed "once a cheater always a cheater" but I do think there are exceptions to the rule. If he is really heartfelt then it is possible for him to change. I say marriage is worth the fight. Go to counsling, see what can come of it. It really might even help you move past not trusting him now. Now that he has cheated, you may always think he's going to do it again. Counsling can help not only him from falling back into those ways but help you trust him again

[OhThereYouAre]

If he's straying this early into the marriage....chances are that he's going to do it again.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but past performance is the best indicator of future performance.

Do you want to have children with this guy and have him do it again?

[WildChild]

Oh Dear, I've been there. My first husband somply couldn't keep his pant zipped. By all means go to counseling, it will give you someone uninvolved to talk with and it may give you some coping skills. They can also help you develop a good exit plan.
He Might change, but I wouldn't be planning family or buying a house with him - not until you see long term change. He will now have to earn your trust. Do get checked for STDs.

[Miya]

True to all who posted. The counseling may be a good idea but he will really only ever change if he WANTS to change. This short a period into a marriage and he's already had 2 affairs, I could probably forgive it but I would not forget and the thought of who he was with next would always linger on my mind. As WC said though get checked for STDs and don't plan on a family or house until you're sure.

[stressed]

I'm so sorry, I read your other thread too

Of course you can try counseling, but you married in January and he's done it twice already... If I were you I'd still be afraid he'd do it again after counseling and the thought of your husband being with another woman... I don't know how you can get over that. If you decide to stay in this it will take a lot of time before you see a result. I'm just 90% sure that since he's already done it twice, it is very likely he will do it again, for one reason or another
I honestly feel sorry for you, nobody deserves this

[Hopeless Dork]

You mention that this is the 2nd time he cheated. What was the first time like? Did he come clean or did you find out on your own and what happened during confrontation? Did he say all the things he is saying now? If so he didn't learn a thing the first time, probably won't learn anything this time either.

In order to work it out your going to have to find out WHY he's doing this... and if he doesn't know , its an uphill battle. Does he feel suffocated? Does he feel like his needs aren't being met? There is NO excuse for cheating but finding out why he's doing it can help you to decide if its something that can be fixed or not.

If he's just doing it, because he has no impulse control or a sex addiction, therepy could help.

If he's doing it just because he can, and you take it, why will he stop.

[medicmom74]

Thanks to you guys for the post. Keep them coming.

To Hopeless: He admitted to the other affair when I busted him yesterday. He felt it was time to come clean. He makes me feel so dirty. I'm still in shock!

[Hopeless Dork]

Okay well its a really good sign that he came clean on an incident that he didn't have to. That shows he at least felt some guilt and therefore has a conscience, which means there is hope to be had.

If he can see, feel how much this has hurt you.. if you can in your heart forgive and work on building trust up again -- you two could possibly come out stronger.

But if you decide to forgive, do it... and don't look back. It will only serve to hurt you if you think about it all the time. If you decide to move on, move on for you and for him.

Do so, if you do, with the intention of trusting him again but knowing in the back of your mind that after everything he saw he put you through he does it again... you will know its not love he feels and should make that break.

We're all humans, I believe in second chances. If he we're to do it again after all this, I think you'd know what you either need to do and leave... or be one of those wives that turns a deaf ear and pretends its all lovely... but only you can decide then.

Think about the rest of your relationship. His redeeming qualities and if there is enough there to balance out the hurt he has caused. If there is , its worth saving.