Fiance vs. Friend

[countrygirl49]

I have been with my fiance for over two and a half years now. About six months into our relationship, he kind of gave me a stipulation about my best friend--either quit takling to her, or he didn't want to be with me (reasons to follow). So I quit talking to her. It's been over two years now since I last spoke with her. My brother recently ran into her, and she asked how I was doing and gave my brother her number to give to me. I told him the next time he saw her to let her know I miss her too.

When my fiance and my friend first met, she had quite a sailor mouth and wasn't what you would call "classy" and also told my fiance some things about herself (personal stuff that I most definitely wouldn't have said had I been her). She also said I was no better.... (That part angered me.) (I was not in their company during that short discussion.)

So my point/problem is that I don't know what to do now. She was my best friend and I abruptly dropped her and I miss her (minus the part of saying things about me). I'm not sure how to approach the situation of getting back in touch with her. I'm not sure if she has changed. There have been several times my fiance has brought her name up and said bad things about her. I don't know what to say to him to get him to maybe change his mind, or that she might have changed. I did mention to him that he has friends that do things that he doesn't do, and just because they do this or that, that it doesn't mean he does. I fear there would be quite a fight if I discussed the issue with him. Or maybe I can "run into" her somewhere? Help!

[Marie1234]

I am in a similar situation by the other way around. A friend I have know since 7th grade (we are both now going on 30) has just informed me she is back together with an ex-fiance which none of her family or friends approved of. They broke up and called off their wedding four years ago much to our relief. She wants my husband and I to get to know him again and when I tried to express our dismay she says we need to "get over it", meaning everything horrible he did in the past. Their relationship is toxic and he is completely disrepectful of her. He was always extremely jealous to where she couldn't even talk or dance with a fellow groomsman at my wedding without setting off an all night screaming fest when they got home. That was they night they broke up four years ago. He also has smacked her in the face in a previous fight. He put the engagement ring in her name because he had bad credit and she had to pay almost $1500.00 to pay it off when they broke up. He talked her into buying his house for $20,000 more than what he paid for it so he could pay off some of his debt and then talked her into buying a second house in her name to do the same thing so they could get another $20,000. He took the whole first 20 thousand and she never saw any of it contrary to what they had previously discussed. Now she is stuck with two houses going into forclosure adn he even tried to take the couch he had given her as a gift one year when he left as well as the television. Last year his girlfriend he was living with was laid up on bedrest after she had an etopic pregnancy and he spent the night at my friends house trying to get back with her instead. Uck! Now she tells me he is on anti depressants and going to counselign with her so everything is okay. I say Bull#!$! They have been back together a month and are already talking marriage again. What do I do? My husband wont even talk to the guy and I have no respect for him what so ever as a man. He is such a slime. I know she wants me to give him a chance adn probably will try to get me to be in the wedding but i just can't do it. Do I lose my friendship with her or suck it up and "get over it" as she says. I don't know if I can. It's not like he is just annoying or I simply don't care for him, he is a creap and they are horrible together. She just makes excuses for him though.

[sourpuss]

countrygirl, sorry to say but that sounds a tad controlling.
I can't tell from your post but I assume he doesn't like her because she's a party girl or something, no? So what. He's not engaged to her, he's engaged to you. And not everyone is perfect, not every situation is perfect, he's got to accept that. You have to take the good with the bad sometimes.

Telling you he doesn't like if you go out and party til sun-up is ok.
Telling you you can no longer be friends with someone because he doesn't like her language and lifestyle, not ok.
Do you get to tell him who he can and can't be friends with? That's just ridiculous. He can not like her all he wants and he can say so. But you're not 10 and he's not your dad. You can be friends with whomever you choose.

It's about compromise. You're not married yet, so I would think long and hard about whether or not you're willing to live the rest of your life with someone who finds it ok to tell you what you can and cannot do with your life.

[Kallygirlie]

I completely agree with sourpuss. your not 10 and he's not your dad. You are planning to marry him. He needs to allow you to be friends with who you want. Just because he doesn't like how she acts doesn't mean she'll rub off on you. I honestly would sit him down and tell him that you love him and want to marry him but you also miss your best friend. Let him know that her being a part of your life will only make you as a person better. I understand your situation completely. My best friend is a horrible influence but I'm an adult. I'm me not her. he put his foot down on your friend ship and now you need to pick his foot and tell him where to put it. You deserve to have your best friend. remind him he's marrying you not her

[OhThereYouAre]

When my fiance and my friend first met, she had quite a sailor mouth and wasn't what you would call "classy" and also told my fiance some things about herself (personal stuff that I most definitely wouldn't have said had I been her). She also said I was no better.... (That part angered me.) (I was not in their company during that short discussion.)

What exactly what this "personal stuff" she divulged to your fiance?

We need to know that before we can say whether your fiance is justified or not.

[OhThereYouAre]

What exactly what this "personal stuff" she divulged to your fiance?

We need to know that before we can say whether your fiance is justified or not.

What exactly WAS this "personal stuff", rather.

[countrygirl49]

I dont' think it's really relevant what exactly she said, just things that you wouldn't say to someone if you were trying to make a good impression, especially when you first meet them. Along the lines of her being a party girl still and her lifestyle.

Thank you Sourpuss, Kally and Marie. Youre right, I'm not her, and he want's to marry me, not her. It's her lifestyle that he doesn't like, and even though I used to be a little less mature myself, he has to see that I've changed and that it doesn't mean her "influences" will rub off on me. I do need to think (as I have been for two years) whether or not I want to put up with this forever, but I think that point will come when I finally talk to him about her, depending on how that goes.

Any other input would be appreciated too.

[AloneNtheCrowd]

This is a sticky situation... One the one hand it's never good to through out ultimatums and/or try to control someone. On the other hand toxic friends can put you in situations you should not and would not normally be in, which is really what his concern is... he may could care less how she lives/acts, it's the fear that it may somehow pull you in that has him worried. You guys will have to sit down and talk about the control and trust issues here IMO.

I've seen extreme cases of this, where a friend will pull someone into a bad situation but just saying some unsavory things doesn't seem like enough to cut someone out completely.... I think OTYR is right, it all depends on the extent of her "bad ways" as to if your fiance was justified or just over reacting.... Good luck, hopefully you two can talk it out and come to a reasonable compromise....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

In general terms, and it is "controlling" however, it's because they don't want you associated with "rif raf" and develop a bad reputation just for being by her side, not because you are like her and off course that then starts a war because it get's back to the man via all these other men, rumors are exactly that but it only generally it's their "mates" that tell them and nothing you can do to convince them otherwise that you did nothing... End of the relationship..

Why not ask if you can converse only via email. How would that harm you, or your relationship, or potential rumors?

But realise as well, she has a big mouth to turn around and make that comment to your Fiance and so she will again, so the conversations have to be purely about life, work, etc and make that clear to your man you won't be discussing your relationship what so ever, purely saying it's great and leaving it at that.

CW

[countrygirl49]

Thank you, CW and Alone. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to him about it, because I know he'll have a fit and freak out on me... I'm trying to figure out a compromise, like talking in email, or just seeing each other every once in a while for like coffee or something. He doesn't think he is controlling or there is anything wrong with anything he says... and as far as her lifestyle (and sort of my old one) is just partying, and sleeping around-not like a huge number or anything, though. But he was more "conservative" growing up, so these things are a big deal to him.. But he's had his problems in life too!! So there are like double standards there that I hate. And yes, it would be hard to tell her things like before, knowing she could say something negative! Like other people said, he's going to have to realize that it all does not mean that I would be pulled into anything! That I'm not her and I've "grown up."

Eek. :|