the future in laws

[Kallygirlie]

well I really need some in put on this because I'm beyond irritated. My boyfriend and I try as much as possible to visit our families. Since I work days and he works nights and we only get 4 weeks every other month where we share days off together its hard to take time just for family. His family lives about a half hour from us and my family is an hr and a half away. Needless to say, when we do finally have some relaxing time together we want to me us. We want us time. Well my family understands this but his soooooo does not.

last week I noticed his 14 yr old sister started posting things online about him not caring and stuff like that. he tried to talk to her and she refused, all she would say is he visits my family more than them. They have always been close but when his parents start agreeing with her, thats where i draw the line. They say we go to WV to visit my family more. No, I go to WV to visit my family on my days off sometimes when he's working. I visit my moms grave and spend a little time with my dog at my dads house (I miss my Jazzie sooooo much). I post this online so my WV friends know I'm in town. The sister see's this and assumes he's with me. Try to explain it and it doesn't get throught. We house set for his parents everytime the go out of town. My dads out of town now, do you think we are house setting for him?

They are always pressuring him to marry me and start a family yet could they ever really deal with him having a family? So we went there last weekend to talk to them (this visit was planned before all this came out). Basically they told me that me going to my moms grave what no good reason to go there more because moms not really there, thats just the resting place. I'm thinking "excuse me, I deal with my moms passing my way". He tries to explain to them we visit when we can and we dont see my family that often either. They basically make him agree to stopping by anytime we go to visit my family since they are on the way. that normally wouldn't bother me if it wasn't for the fact that when we go we are there for like 8 hrs!!!! also he agreed to either go there once a week or call them. I can deal with the calling but going to his parents once a week? We get 2 days off together right now and thats gonna be slowly ending again. so screw together time. We get to his parents at noon and MIGHT get home by 8 that night. What about my family? I mean honestly I feel like I need my family alot more because of the emotional issues I have. who better understands them then my brothers who also lost there mother. I miss my nieces sooooo much it hurts but i've excepted i cant see them that often because i chose to move.

I mean it all upsets me because he's 30 yrs old. Just this past yr they made him feel bad about doing Relay For Life. told him he was to involved. Told me I needed to not let it run my life and take a break. By far does it run my life but if I have a chance to save lives then how is that a bad thing? They dont agree with anything that might take time away from them I guess. So what do I do. Its time for mommy and daddy to cut the strings. he's been living on his own for 10 yrs now. Before me, he rarely went over there. I actually got him to start going over more but we've gotten busy so it slowed down. I dont want to keep him away from them but I refuse to let there need destroy us. If we spend after day off with his family, whats that going to do to us? Do i resent them right about now? heck yeah, makes me not want to go there at all. Last weekend him and I had a plan. Visit his family then go to WV to visit mine. by the time we left We had time to Visit my moms grave and even then it was 9pm and dark. so how can I make everyone happy as possible in this. My boyfriend says he understands where I'm coming from and kinda upset himself that he got cornered like that but feels obligated to make them happy with this. I'm not trying to keep him away from them but his family is not the only one that misses a member and its like they completely dont want to see that. any ideas

[Nats]

Wow...sounds like he needs to sit down with them, perhaps without you so it doesnt seem ganglike, and explain how all of this makes you feel. And to perhaps not agree to every little thing they propose just to get them off your backs...

And maybe you could start with letting him know how you feel too, in detail...

That comment about visitng your mother's grave...WOW...still processing that one...Are they always so understanding or was it a special occasion? Sheesh...

[Miya]

Well..I don't know the entire situation but only from what I've read it seems to me there is very little YOU can do to change the situation. It appears to be coming from his family and not yours which makes it his responsibility to be mature and tell them what's happening. In the end it's really about you and your bf's happiness and not theirs.

The comment about your mom was completely uncalled for and out of line. It would be pretty hard to take coming from your own family much less a bf's. I go back home to Kyoto at least once a year and talk to my mother (I can talk to her anywhere but that's my ancestral home so it just "feels" right. She passed away in 2001 and our family practices cremation so there really is no grave to visit but if my DH's family ever dared mention anything to me about it I dare say this little lady would turn tigress and rip them to shreds. It's not about a grave or place but it's about feeling some connectivity to one of the 2 people who gave you life. I'm not about attaching to anything and try not to but feeling joy with memories is perfectly fine.

Anyway I digress, sorry. It really seems to me HE needs to just put them in their place and if need be tell them to stay out of it together. The only thing is, be it Asian, American, European, etc. when you marry someone you really do also marry their family. Your bf needs to set the boundaries though of how far they can go in your two lives.

Just my thoughts and I wish you well..

[Kallygirlie]

well see prior to this I loved them. Loved going over there. thought I'd be one of the few who would liked thier in-laws. the mother comment I guess was his moms defense when My boyfriend tried to explain to his sister why I go to WV. He asked when the last time was any body in the family had went to visit a grave of his sister (passed of SIDS when she was a yr old) or there grandfathers or grand mother. His mom was defending why she doesnt go. I understand why she doesnt go but I'm not her and never will be. No I dont believe my mom is there. I believe in God and heaven but that grave is her bodies resting place. My mom was such a perfectionist and loved flowers so I go to her grave to pull weeds, plant flowers ect. Make it look nice. It makes me feel closer to her cause we'd always be in the flower beds together. Either way its none of there business. I've completely express to him how I feel and I guess thats why I get upset because I feel like I'm trying to pull him away from his family but i'm not. His response to them requesting the once a week thing was its the least he can do for them. him watching how much its killed me losing my mom has made him want to charish everything with his family and thats great but whats next, inviting them to the house when we're having sex.

[WildChild]

They have some issues. You are right it's none of their business what you do on your own with your time off. For now why not quit noting on public sites when you are going to WV? That really isn't anyone's business. If you want to call someone that you are headed that way, then do that instead. Your BF is going to have to face them on this. He can do it politely but will have to be firm.

Another thing you can do is get better at controlling time. Sure, stop to say hi on the way elsewhere but clearly have someplace (non family at first if possible) you HAVE to be at certain time, so you can both say, very convincingly and truthfully that you have to go. Once you get a pattern of behavior established with this then you can more easily control this without any explainations, just, we have to get going.

This is a power play, it's a way of trying to control the two of you and deplete your energy and build theirs. They are viewing your relationship with your BF as in competition with their relationship with him. Sounds like a family pattern, he's twice his sister's age right now, it's not like they grew up together, she's learned this guilt tripping. Only he can break the pattern, he can do it lovingly. He does need to name the behavior to them, often times that works like calling a bluff, it 's takes away the power they hold.

[Kallygirlie]

Thanks ladies. great Ideas as always. The only reason I put it on the public sites (myspace) was mainly because I have about 30 friends around my home town. I just wanted to make it easier than calling all of them but honestly i'd rather hasstle with it then deal with this.

when we go to his parents its really not his parents that keep us there its him. He just stays. They'll invite us to go somewhere with them and he always wants to go. We planned to catch a movie and it took me telling him we had to go. I guess i'll have to work on him with that one.

I work over an hr from my house, by the time my weekends come, I just dont feel like going somewhere all the time. Like I said I dont go to my parents all the time. Its just rediculous that they only care that they are getting his attention instead of letting us live. You guys are so right tho, i will work on this

[CHANDLERS WISH]

when we go to his parents its really not his parents that keep us there its him. He just stays. They'll invite us to go somewhere with them and he always wants to go.

I'm sorry for your loss and I absolutely agree with you visiting Mum and she would be smiling sitting next to you when you plant those flowers for sure..

I am understanding that you love his parents and that they love you and in-fact, your MIL didn't diss what you do, rather try to explain to her own daughter that there is nothing wrong and that she should do it.

And, I understand that they are not keeping you there 8 hrs, he is.

And, that he now fears the sense of loss of his own family when that time comes and so spends time..

So, this is his issue not your MIL's or FIL's...

His sister is 14, so she would be, I bet, totally missing her brother and has a jealousy streak I think in a way, thinking that you are spending more time with yours than his, so yes, un-fortunately, you have to use reverse physcology, type that your "visiting" mum on your own... Type that your "visiting" his family and can't wait.. Type things that she will go ohh?

As for what causes you two do in your time, that's your priogrative, your business and good for you.

But, you need to say to him, okay we have a plan, we will go here for this long and "tell them" that from there, we have to do this... in advance.

And, stick to it.

We can't please everyone all the time, that's for sure.

CW

[WildChild]

Does he ever do anything special with his sister? Take her to the movies or out for ice cream? Perhaps if you suggested to him that it might be nice for him to do something special with members of his family, but something that has a time limit, meet for breakfast, movie, coffee, keep it two hours max? He needs to learn to control his time, it will make him more effective in many ways. Relaxing and lingering is fine once in a while but not every time.

[Kallygirlie]

well he plans but never comes through. Its an issue we have in our own relationship to. He just forgets the day because of being on night shift and before he knows it, what he planned is passed. I've invited his sister to come stay the night with us. Him and her have not worked that out. He promised to take his sister to the county fair this past weekend but it wasn't spoke of again.

I guess you could say I finally put my food down on what I wanted this weekend. On saturday, no sooner than we woke up, he say's so what are we doing today, I said hmmm not sure, he says "wanna go to my parents". Maybe I over reacted but I told him I think we are past due on having an us day. Not an us hr, then everyone else time. He agreed and we went and played miniature golf and went bowling. Came home to a relaxing movie. It was awesome. felt great. He even let me totally relax in a hot bath for about an hr (haven't had that since I move in). I then didn't mind going to his parents on sunday. then again, we talked about not being at his parents until 8pm and at 7 he decides to go play basketball with his sister. I was just irritated because i hung out with his mom while him and his sister played baseball and threw the frisbie and just had fun and its like come on, find a limit cause we didn't leave until 7:30 again and yes this is after he agreed that we wouldn't stay that late. UGH!! upside I guess we did leave 30 mins earlier which is a start right?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He loves being around his family and probably, definately his sister and seeing as he didn't take her to the country fair, "forgetful" he may have felt he had to make it up to her.

Some families are "that close" and I don't think you will change that, as long as you get your me time, your baths and pampers and love, I think your going to have to accept he's a family man which is realllllly good for when you have a baby huh...

CW