Is there hope for us?

[megpie]

For those of you that have read my previous posts you know that I was having an interesting possible long distance relationship. Well things sure have change since my last post.

So he moved back and we got a beautiful house together which we LOVE. He has a WONDERFUL relationship with my daughter and is so hlepful with her and treats her as his own. I am currently about 12 weeks pregnant. When we found out that I was pregnant, we were excited...a little frightened, but excited. Things have been going WONDERFULLY. He has treated me so well and his family loves me and my daughter and has accepted us as part of their family...and have right away.

Since being pregnant I have EXTREME mood swings and I know it...I can feel them and I do not like them. Sometimes my thoughts can be out of control and this has caused MAJOR problems between us. He is VERY honest with his Mom and Dad about his actions when I am acting moody and they tell him that he needs to be more patient and understanding. Both his parents have talked to me both privately and in front of him about his behavior and how they are trying to give him advice to make things better. He has told me himself that he needs to try harder and although he doesn't understand fully how I am feeling he knows it is the prebnancy and it is temporary.

Things the past couple weeks have only GOTTEN worse...he says I need to talk to someone, which I somewhat agree with, but he doesn't fully understand what I am struggling with. I have tried to tell him, but he throws ALL of the blame at me and REFUSES to accept any of it. Yesterday I was at my wits end and I did something I know I shouldn't have done...I went thru his phone and read his text messages...a couple nights ago when we were fighting and he was drunk he was texting a girl and asked her where she was when he needed her and that he can't get her out of his mind...etc. I know he has done this before when we first started fighting only it was this girl who he said looked hot that day and another girl who he said he wanted to make feel better and a bunch of other gross stuff. This sent me over the edge yesterday. What do I do? Is that cheating? Is he worth it? I asked him if he was cheating on me and he said that he hasn't and won't and right now things aren't good, and we need to get back to that place. I don't know what to think of how he feels about me. He says that he loves me and doesn't understand why I can't see it, but his actions show me different. Not just the texting but the arguing and saying I am an idiot and crazy and the attitude he gives me.

He tells me that if he didn't love me then he wouldn't have moved away from his daughter to be with us, that he wouldn't love my daughter and treat her the way he does by getting her ready for school everyday, making her breakfast, lunch, walking her to the bus stop, helping her with her homework...etc. and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't have opened his family up to me and for them to welcome me into their life and have them over at our house.

I just don't know what to think...I love him so much. Am I doing something wrong here? Is there any hope for us?

[tritonalum07]

Sounds like he's trying to place the blame on you for his poor decisions. I don't care what anyone says, it's never the fault of the person who is cheated on. And yes, this is cheating in a sense. It's dishonest, absolutely. Even if you're having terrible mood swings, that doesn't give him the right to have sexual conversations/flirt with other women. YOU ARE CARRYING HIS BABY. He needs to have some self-control. Otherwise, I'd hardly consider him a man. There is no excuse for cheating, ever. I have no patience/compassion for people that do that, especially to someone who is pregnant. Something is telling me that I don't like this guy, and I don't know him. Something about him trying to convince you how much he loves you, but doing things like this? What is his definition of love?

Only you truly know this man. What does your intuition tell you? In my experience, we as women have VERY good intuition. We just need to learn to tune into it more to save ourselves a lot of heartache/stress. Good luck.

[mymirrose]

Megpie,
I went thru the same thing a little while ago, it doesn't get better, I am sorry to say. My SO didn't think of it as cheating because he wasn't having sex with them. I always heard the "I wouldn't have moved away from my kids if I didn't love you" story also.
NO, YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG! Your emotions may be a little crazy right now, but that does not give him the right to emotionally cheat on you. When he starts his rants about how crazy you are, and calling you names, ask him how he would feel if you started texting a man telling him you need him, can't get him out of your mind, etc.
I really do know how you are feeling, I wish you didn't have to go thru this right now, but start building a support system, his family, your family, friends, because as much I as I pray you won't, you are probably going to need it.

[Kallygirlie]

Is it cheating? No it's not. Does it make it right? Heck no. He says he has never and will never cheat but things have just not been good? So does that make it ok for him to start talking to other girls when things aren't ok? Thats is truely sad if he thinks that. You said he's done this in the past. Is it normal for him to run to other girls to flirt and talk to when the going gets tough. I think he needs to be set straight on that. Secondly, you are pregnant. Congrats on that hun!!! He needs to realize that womens bodies go crazy, some more than others. Heck, I'm not pregnant and I have mood swings sometimes....LOL!!! He gives you the list of things he wouldn't do if he loved you but he doesn't include, if he loved you, he would be understanding of your emotions, if he loved you, he would run off to other women when things get bad, if he loved you he wouldnt make up sorry excuses for his actions and blame you. Honestly it sounds like he needs to grow up. It seems like he uses is moving and except your daughter as his own as a point in arguments. He did that stuff because he felt it was right and yes out of love. He cant use it against you now. I do believe he loves you. I think the emotions can get the best of both of you but he needs to realize that insteat of text other women maybe he should be talking to you. Aside from arguing, or talking with his family, have you and him sat down and calmly talked?

[WildChild]

You've known him for several years, the two of you seem to spend your time roller coastering; you've been up and down, on and off, but you've stuck it out.
How long were you married and what was your marriage like before your husband died? Were the two of you perfectly amicable? Or did you go back and forth? Most relationships do, it's the degree that makes the difference. How is this different? Are there any clues there for you?

What was your first pregnancy like? Each one is different but did you experience mood swings in that? Are your moods so changeable because of the pregnancy or because of uncertainty about the relationship?

Has anything aside from pregnancy changed from the time you were so happy? It does seem the two of you didn't give yourselves much time to get really settled into this relationship. You went from long distance with a lot of doubts and ups and downs to idyllically living together and then threw pregnancy into the mix. Having a baby rarely solves anything other than the desire to have a baby.

Talking with someone outside the relationship (counselor) can be helpful, it's more helpful if they can talk with both of you, at least a couple times. Then they have a better perpective on what you are dealing with. Couples counseling can be very helpful in giving you both better tools to relate to each other. Do consider it.

[prawnprincess]

I don't like it that he calls you an idiot or crazy. I was in a relationship with a guy who would get angry like that, and it was just not worth the emotional stress of dealing with it- I would never say that to anyone, so why put up with others saying it to me?
Why do some people think we're so lucky to have them because they do some nice things for us, but then do plenty of crappy things to us as well? Sometimes it just doesn't balance out.

[danceintx]

Feeling safe and secure is an important thing for most women, but you never feel more vulnerable then when you are pregnant or with a newborn, and when men pull this junk, it just couldn't be worse timing. He is wrong for texting the other women, period. I cought me ex calling a woman he had an affair with on his first wife when our baby was 2 months old. There is no exuse for this kind of behavior, it is selfish, abusive, and wrong.

[Hopeless Dork]

Is it cheatting? Everyones relAtionship has its own definition and boundry line if it hurt you - then he crossed it.

What did he tell you about the girl he said he thinks of? Did you ask him why hed say that to someone?