Someone please, please advise me..i'm at my wits end :(

**tad69** · 09-26-2009 09:29 PM

I met my partner in March 2007.
He is 40 years old and I am finding his behaviour unstable and have done so for a very long time...to the point it is affecting my own health and I am severely stressed through it all (totally unlike the very laid back, fun loving person I have always been)
His behaviour includes persistant lying, to the point it hurts as those lies ALWAYS affect ME and my life and no one else. I found out AFTER he moved in with me last year that he is severely in debt due to over spending and indulging in loans, credit cards and HP, yet has next to nothing to show for it...these debts total to £20,000 and he has also got my household in debt too (I have never had any debt in my life) to the point where I almost lost the roof over mine and my childrens heads. We never have any money and I found out he took a loan out the month he moved in here. He didn't tell me he had and certainly didn't have anything to show for that either, so I still don't know where that money went either????
He does suffer with depression and a few months ago confessed he was diagnosed with Bi Polar years ago?? I have noticed he seems to do things to get a "buzz" and this always involves money and spending it or wasting it...but this is done behind my back and not one penny comes my way, it goes on his children or his debts and I just end up worse in debt over it and it's me picking up the pieces. His credit score got so bad, he then couldn't get any loans etc.....but then he resorted to getting 3 payday loans, 2 £200 and one £300...he used this money to buy his kids clothes etc..and he is now stuck with that debt totalling over £1500 in a matter of 3 months and the interest increases monthly at an alrming rate.
The bottom line is...he lies all the time, yet tells me he doesn't intentionally mean to hurt me, he has an addictive personality.....he started smoking weed to numb his depression and feelings and has started watching porn alot. There's so many other thiings he has done, too many to mention. I took him to the drs for help about 12 months ago....I read on the pc monitor that the dr thought my partner had a personality disorder??? (what does that mean?) He was prescribed Prozac (which he said he had been prescribed before in the past) and he was on them for about 6 months. The Dr had arranged counselling for him, but he only went to a few sessions, thought he felt better, stopped going and stopped taking his prozac. In my opinion, the tablets made no difference to him...he got lazier, but even without them now, he has gone the same...no motivation at all and has been telling more lies to me. I took him back to the drs 4 months ago and I agreed with the dr, that he is doing nothing for himself to get better. Not once has the Dr mentioned Bi Polar though?? He has took so much time off work that is has had a disaplinary hearing and may now lose his job. I feel like my life is crumbling around me now and I have had to go from being a stay at home mother to returning to work because of the debt he has caused. This has caused concerns for my ex as I always said if I had children, I wanted to stay at home for them always and my ex is now questioning me why I have returned to work and he is obvioulsy concerned about our childrens welfare as they have suffered through this and gone with out and I feel very bitter that my partner always made sure hsi children got everything....and it is me trying to cover his debts he has made all the time, which is making me short changed to do things and buy even basic things for my own children. I am severely BITTER...I won't lie...because the amount of times I have satand listened to my partner off laod and get his feelings out in the open, the amount of times I have have pulled him ou the where money is concerned etc...I sit here thinking...surely this isn't love???Why do all this to me...the person he says he loves, adores, cherishes, wants to marry and have a child with?? The way he is going on....I just feel I couldn't so all that with him now, even though I love him so much...the hurt I keep getting from is just too much.
I don't know what a personality disorder is or what Bi Polar is? Please someone expalin to me and does his behaviour relate to these disorders? I am taking him back to the drs on Tuesday...but some form of explanation as to why he keeps behaving like this would help me greatly. I am so tired, but can't sleep and he constantly made me angry on alot of occassions lately and I sit and cry secretly in my bedroom as I feel I may crack at any given moment.
Anyone's advice would really help me out here.x

**Little** · 09-26-2009 09:47 PM

His behavior is that of a selfish person who has refused all help.
Whether he has a personality disorder (ie, mentally ill according to a certain rubric) or bipolar (a personality disorder in which a person's mood spikes and drops rapidly, goes from manically happy to depressive, shows lack of control, etc,) should not be a problem IF he gets help. He is not getting help, he's refusing help, and he's not responsible for himself.
What you are doing now by choosing to stay is CHOOSING to harm your children. While I don't think having a working mother should be harmful to them, having a caregiver who is mentally ill and refuses to remedy that is extremely harmful. I am the child of a mentally ill mother, who has done immeasurable damage to my psyche. You are giving your children a bad example of what a mother and woman ought to be. While your dedication is to be applauded, continuing to allow this man to exploit your generosity and goodheartedness would not be prudent.
You have the right to be at your wits' end. You have done more than the expected. You have gone to the ends of the earth to support your partner and he has done nothing but take advantage. Do it for your children if not yourself ... sever yourself from this man.

**LanaBear** · 09-26-2009 09:53 PM

You have had a rough two years, that is for sure.

But after reading all of you post, multiple times, can you tell me WHY you are still with him and why you haven't ran as far and as fast as you can away from this guy.

You and your children are at risk here. He's refusing help, there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I don't see this ever improving.

My sister is nuts and my niece, who hasn't been in her presence in years, still suffers from the trauma/drama that is all about my sister. You children don't need to deal with this, it may effect them more than you will ever know.

**tad69** · 09-26-2009 10:12 PM

Thank you both for your replies. The current situation is, that I asked my partner to leave a week ago and that I didn't want him back until he got his sorry mess of a life sorted out and that he got proper help from our GP and stuck to it. I failed to mention this sorry in my OP.
Everything got way too much for me and more importantly, I wasn't going to allow him to take me down in his sinking ship with him. As I said to him today on the telephone...if he loved me as much as he says he does, he would get the right help and get his debt sorted once and for all.
I have been left in a mess financially (and may I add, none of this was ever caused by me)
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and as you rightly said Little, he has been utterly selfish throughout all this and I won't take anymore. I love him dearly, but it got to a point, I was arguning with him whenever my children were out the house and I found myself constantly getting at him and putting him down for the mess he caused. It got to the point where I was just angry 24/7 and that's not good for anyone.
I am still worried about his mental health though. He is an intelligant man who has life on his plate....but always seems to mess it up with his inappropriate actions which in turn always affect me and me only.
I hate him for what he has done to my life...I won't lie about that. I have been through enough myself the last 3 years, splitting from my ex husban, relocating then to top it off, lost my dear mother suddenly and unexpectadly at the age of 56. That I have not come to terms with and because of everything that is happening with my partner.....I can't.
I am going to the Drs with him on Tuesday and I shall be asking myself if he has bi-polar. I know nothing of the condition...but if he was diagnosed with it years ago......why hasn't he been getting it treat? Would he be on meds for life for this condition? I still don't understand what a personality disorder is either?
I have never suffered with any mental health problems myself...though what I have gone through with my partner, I know I am stressed severely, but I am dealing with that...I have to for my beautiful children. I am there mum...and they never see or know how I am truly feeling. I am a very protective person when it comes to them. Whether I am feeling sad, angry or want to cry....I hide it from them. They are my world and always will be. I am a very caring person, and because of this, i want to help my partner. I shall never forgive him for what he has put me through and he certainly won't be coming back here in a hurry.....but I do still want to help him the best I can.

**Little** · 09-26-2009 10:20 PM

It's wonderful that you are standing up for yourself! That is the most important thing.
The problem I have with dealing with the mentally ill ... nothing is their fault, they are not responsible for their behavior. It was the illness. And mentally stable people get confused at this, understandably. It makes it hard to live with that person. It eats at you, you wonder if it's legitimate or if they're just making excuses.
If you can continue to help him from a distance and you see that he is accepting your help, it will be great for the both of you. I only hope that it will work. Good luck

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-26-2009 10:23 PM

It is nice to have a good heart but when someone takes advantage of it you owe nothing to them.

I commend you for going on Tuesday but I suggest you leave it at that. You've done your thing..

Negativity breeds negativity. This is not assisting you what so ever, you have to grieve over your Mother and you need to. Your children may not see you cry but I doubt they see you laugh either, it is effecting them. Children are very intelligent more than we are as Adults they see all.

I don't know how much he owes you or even if he works, or whether you will ever see that money again but I would be asking for weekly payments and setting up an account he can go and put that money into.. If he doesn't isn't that even one more reason to say, heart or no heart, it's not on.. and take your closure?

You desperately need to feel happiness at the moment and maybe only the kids can give it to you, start laughing and smiling with them in the knowing that you have done the right thing and kicked him out. Taking him back in the distant future? An Adult can not change regardless of medication he has proven he will give that up, he will not change. He will do that again and spend more money.

There is someone else out there for you, put it down to bad experience and keep moving on .

CW

**tritonalum07** · 09-27-2009 09:37 AM

In my personal experience as someone who has a "severe mental illness," (OCD...and the quotes come from my health insurance booklet, I don't think it's severe), if you really feel like you are spiraling out of control, you do something about it. It's part of being an adult. I KNOW when I'm obsessing about something and when that obsession is controlling my actions, and I KNOW I have to take action to stop it, and I DO. I don't know if people with personality disorders know when they are acting irrationally. They have problems maintaining relationships personally and with coworkers because of the way they react to stressful situations. Maybe, he's feeling so stressed that it's magnifying his symptoms? From what I've read, people rarely seek help for this condition on their own until something significant happens in their lives to convince them to change. With that said, if he KNOWS he has this personality disorder and it's affecting your relationship, I would think that the threat of losing you and everything you two have together would be enough motivation for him to seek help. Then again, I don't have a personality disorder.

**tritonalum07** · 09-27-2009 09:46 AM

I read your post a second time and it was more alarming to me. His behavior makes Antisocial Personality Disorder come to mind. People like this often lack a conscience, can seem totally normal from the outside but do things without empathy for others or with any regard for anyone else's feelings. They are also known as sociopaths, and they can be very dangerous. I definitely think you did the right thing by kicking him out, for the safety of your children. I'm not trying to scare you, just stating my impressions of your post. This is the information I found on APD:

"Antisocial Personality Disorder

APD is characterized by lack of empathy or conscience, a difficulty controlling impulses and manipulative behaviors. This disorder is sometimes also referred to as psychopathy or sociopathy, however, Antisocial Personality Disorder is the clinical terminology used for diagnosis (APA 2000).

The term antisocial is commonly misunderstood as referring to someone who has poor social skills, but usually the opposite is true. Psychopaths can be charming, and are adept at focusing their cold, calculating efforts solely on self-gratification, typically at the expense of others (Hare 1999, Black 1999)."

Good luck honey.