Bad feelings

[happy ending]

I am feeling very low at the moment, i have days when i cant seem to stop crying, and i have this horrible feeling of pressure in my chest and sickness in my stomach.

I used to feel like this a lot as a child, my mother has no feelings for anyone else, and my dad though nice was a total alcoholic. they would often make arrangements, plans, promises etc and then not follow through. if i asked about it, i was a either a lier or they would get angry at me. when i married someone similar, i guess i was trained to pretend and swallow my feelings. i guess that was why i got up to 108kgs and of course suffered depression, panic attacks etc.

anyway recently my boyfriend has let me down in a fairly major way, not only that but when i got angry about, he sort of attacked me and now is sulking, because i was disapointed. a few weeks ago i rang my mother to chat and she told me to call back because she was watching a dvd and couldnt be bothered to pause it. btw i havent called her since.

today i didnt feel so great, so started meditating and this horrible feeling of desolation, helpless and misery came upon me. i keep telling myself i am not a defenceless child anymore but it wont go.
i could really use some help about now, if anyone has any suggestions - please.

[happy ending]

well actually just writing all that carp down made me feel a heap better. i guess when you are down things do feel out of proportion, i am still mad at my boyfriend though, but at least i dont have to see him for another week.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Little shnookums

Visualise my Husky saying "I love you"....

I had a simular up-bringing, in as much as my Mother was the type of woman who would say "get up" when I fell over instead of cuddles, couldn't talk to her about anything wrong as she would say "oh what do you want" angrily so yeah got caught after when dobbed on, lol... Dad was placid, and Mum would make him punish me when I was naughty (taking a lollie?) when they were left out anyway? Before dinner, anyways, so he would use a belt, not my belief at all on how you treat a child, I would kick my feet so hard on the bed, I'd get another one, lol.

Mum says now " your always searching for love aren't you, you so need it"..

It's hard for parents to comprehend "we are different".. We have so much love inside of us to give, yet they love in their own way but yes, different...

I had to work out that it was their up-bringing, or their issues (such as your Dad drinking), that created the problem NOT ME.. And, once I realised that, I let go of all the hurt and anger and we are all great friends, however, I still can't talk openly to my Mother. Both are strongly opinionated and have trouble being wrong.. Or, force their thoughts without you being able to offer your advice. CW not being able to advice? Ohhh nooo's.

I think that's the key.. Is to let go of the past and understand they are them, it's not their fault and it wasn't yours, before you can accept a set back.

Your marriage was a set back, it stayed on the same pattern and here now, when you say he "attacked" I know you mean verbally.. But, still.. It takes you back to that child, it just does unless you forgive and realise and smile in that knowing.

I know we all say "love our selves" but we actually need a few close people to love too in order to feel it within ourselves.

Here, at WH, 2 years ago I have to say, I found that love that I didn't actually know I needed, through people, Little, Ace, Lakerat, JWB, you, Cat, and other's streaming through together with warmth at least from people I never ever knew.

It made me dig even deeper and realise that it's okay to love and give and not expect back.

But, as men go, it's not ok... Because then they take advantage of the situation.

Your Mother is her. Smile ... She can't change it's her make-up it's wrong but it is the way it is.

My Mother too. But, don't stop the love and don't stop the believing.

I remember when you first came here, you were saying about your marriage and then about this guy. You were finally happy.

You know what? You were taken to a much better place this time than you have ever been before and as a result, you have been able to "speak" where before you couldn't ...

So it's actually a 80% turn around for you, either this guy or the next, it will get stronger and stronger and better and better.

That's all I can offer you other than my arm of friendship which you have anyway, including my mobile phone number and email address, if you want .....

That's what friends are for.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

HA.. It wasn't carp.. But it always feels good to vent sweet lol.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Just to add.

Being single sucks

Often I get to the point I so need to feel hot, ..

I know your not single but same rule applies, it's so important to spoil yourself and do things that make you feel good.

Today, I walked 30 minutes to the shopping complex, spent two hours there, buying birthday presents, a couple of xmas gifts, and for me? I bought a book, had lunch, then a massage, bought a couple of tops, a ring and went home with all my goodies, "by taxi" well arms were full, couldn't walk oh and I bought a push bike to ride next time, instead of walking.. (something about 2 drinks only promise and pulled over) anyways, it felt magic.

I felt good.

And we need to remember that kids and men aside, we are important... So what are you doing tomorrow for you?

CW

[happy ending]

its payday tomorrow YAY, so i think a treat might be in order. i think my mother does an excellent impersonation of a human being, some of the time, same as my ex. i dont know why i thought of all that past stuff, it just sort of jumped me while i was lying there all helpless!

[happy ending]

Just to add.

Being single sucks

Often I get to the point I so need to feel hot, ..

I know your not single but same rule applies, it's so important to spoil yourself and do things that make you feel good.

Today, I walked 30 minutes to the shopping complex, spent two hours there, buying birthday presents, a couple of xmas gifts, and for me? I bought a book, had lunch, then a massage, bought a couple of tops, a ring and went home with all my goodies, "by taxi" well arms were full, couldn't walk oh and I bought a push bike to ride next time, instead of walking.. (something about 2 drinks only promise and pulled over) anyways, it felt magic.

I felt good.

And we need to remember that kids and men aside, we are important... So what are you doing tomorrow for you?

CW

a massage would be so awesome!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

And, you've been answered in another thread, however there are still questions here that you didn't ask sooooo bringing it up....................

[happy ending]

actually i spoke to my yoga teacher and told her how upset i got meditating after yoga, she did say yoga can bring emotion to the surface, the feeling was horrible but after it had disapated i felt like my old happy self again, so its all good!

[WildChild]

That's so true; yoga, meditation, massage - all can bring old feelings to the surface. Think of it as a cleansing. If you want to clean out your house you can't leave all the old junk in there, you have to haul it out and open up the boxes and see what's in there and decide if you want to keep it, throw it out or donate it. Like the calm before the storm, it's the mess before the order.

Just like writing here, journaling helps me keep from spreading too much of my "stuff" around. Over and over I've found that while you need to communicate, just dumping is not often a good idea, Jounaling can help get thoughts in order and sort out what is really bothering you.

CW is right we are all works in progress. Our parents are people too, they made mistakes but somehow we all turned out as people who want to do better and move forward, so they must have done something right. This journey of life can be a challenge and has some painful moments the trick is to use them to learn and grow with letting ourselves wallow in the messes too long. We all do it some time. It's great to have everyone here to talk with and help us pull through.