To be with him or not to be with him

[kiwicute]

I have been with my boyfriend now for just over a year. We've had alot of ups a downs but i've always felt that i really do care for him. During the summer, I went on holiday with a friend, leaving the relationship on slightly rocky grounds. When I came back, he confessed to me that he'd kissed another girl while drunk one night. I was deeply upset but he was very remourseful and we sort of worked through it. Although i never really forgave him properly and never trusted him fully since the incident. Thats why recently, i looked through his emails out of curiousity. I found several flirtacious emails to girls, one of which confirmed that he'd kissed another girl. I confronted him and he told me that every time i break up with him, he doesn't know what to do, doesn't want to sit at home depressed, so he gets attention from other girls, and tries to erase me from his memory. To be fair, when we do argue, I often over-react and tell him its over for good, only to calm down a few days later and take him back. I'm sure that nothing serious has gone on with those girls, and it is purely to gain attention, but obviously it does hurt. Since i found the emails I have told him it is over and he has been very remourseful and knows he did wrong.

He has had a difficult upbringing, being abandoned by his mother at an early age and not being brought up in a stable environement, Sometimes I think that the reason he makes mistakes is not because he intentionally wants to hurt me, but because he doesnt know how to handle his emotions in a way that most people do. I take for granted that i have been brought up stabily by a famly who loves me. In the year that we have been together he has made many mistakes but I have helped him work through them and get his life on track. In a way, i've been the only person that has really cared for him enough to do that. And being with him has opened my mind and made me more more patient and tolerant of people, as I begin to understand why people are the way they are. I'm beginning to question my decision to end the relationship because I do care about him alot.

Do I stick with the relationship and continue to help him realise right from wrong? Or do i move on with my life, is it really my job to teach him right from wrong- i do not want to turn into a mother figure as this would not be a very fulfilling relationship, although i do enjoy helping him and i do feel proud when he begins to work his life out? I do know that he cares for me a lot and really does appreciate what i've done for him. Sometimes i imagine that we are very good for eachother, and all this hard work, all these ups and downs will pay off one day.

Help!

[Miya]

Hi Kiwicute and welcome to WH.

Now to your post. You've said you care for this man but is it enough with all the rocky shores to stay together? You mentioned that he'd had a somewhat unpleasant upbringing and that people in his life who should have cared did not and you have been the one to do that. This could have instilled abandonment issues with him and frankly sweets breaking up with him and telling him it's over for good only to change your mind later and make up only feeds a fear of abandonment and often times these persons will look to someone, anyone to fill that need to be loved and cared for. (hence the emails and kisses of other girls) The next time you have such a fight try to stop or just walk away before the break-up point and give yourself and he time to reflect. This is also a good way of cooling down an argument that's getting too hot, just walk away.

I feel if the relationship is bringing this much turmoil in both your lives then it's not really working for either of you. It will only get worse as time goes by so it might be better to part on good terms than with hate or loathing. I think you really need to have a heart to heart and decide moving forward what's really best for both your souls and peace of mind.

I wish you the best and again, welcome.

[OhThereYouAre]

I confronted him and he told me that every time i break up with him, he doesn't know what to do, doesn't want to sit at home depressed, so he gets attention from other girls, and tries to erase me from his memory. To be fair, when we do argue, I often over-react and tell him its over for good, only to calm down a few days later and take him back. I'm sure that nothing serious has gone on with those girls, and it is purely to gain attention, but obviously it does hurt. Since i found the emails I have told him it is over and he has been very remourseful and knows he did wrong.

I'm beginning to question my decision to end the relationship because I do care about him alot.

Do I stick with the relationship and continue to help him realise right from wrong? Or do i move on with my life, is it really my job to teach him right from wrong- i do not want to turn into a mother figure as this would not be a very fulfilling relationship, although i do enjoy helping him and i do feel proud when he begins to work his life out? I do know that he cares for me a lot and really does appreciate what i've done for him. Sometimes i imagine that we are very good for eachother, and all this hard work, all these ups and downs will pay off one day.

Help!

It doesn't really sound like he's the only one who needs to get his stuff together. I think you need to take some responsibility here as well. Ending your relationship everytime you guys get into an argument isn't very healthy or smart. There are few things worth breaking up for.

Breaking up with him and then getting angry for him messing around with other women isn't very smart, either. If you break up with him, you're telling him you no longer want to be with him, and he is free to do as he please. If he were to tell you that he was finished with you, you are also free to do as you please, correct? He didn't do anything wrong.

Lastly - settle down a bit. From what you've written, he's done nothing wrong.

In the future, if he does something you don't agree with, calm down and think clearly before you talk to him about it. This will probably help defuse a lot of sticky situations.

Good luck.

[kiwicute]

I do realise I have responsibility to take over this. The recent discovery of the second girl he kissed did not so much bother me, because as you said, I did break up with him, and he was free to do what he wanted. What hurt more was that he wasn't honest and open about it when we got back together. I believe that if you want a relationship to work you must be an open book. Also, it just brought up anger and pain from when he really did cheat on me the first time.

And breaking up with him and getting back with him really does not help him with his life and help him deal with the pain and anger of being abandoned as a child.

Thank you for pointing these things out. More opinions please!!!! Love xxxxx

[caterpillar79]

KC, you are very fortunate to have such an ideal environment growing up. It is your advantage then that you had this much love as you described that made you confident and caring as well. Women, in nature though are by instinct motherly and are bound to "fix" a man that they care about, which could lead to a very unhealthy situation for both partners. You need to stick a proper balance - easier said than done!

You mentioned that your bf has abandonment issues growing up...you ALREADY knew it! Why are you repeating it? Why are you reinforcing the fear and insecurity that he has had since childhood? By breaking up everytime you feel like it, and after a few breaths, taking him back, you are repeatedly wounding his already wounded inner child. You have to think here for both of you. Recomsider. What is it that you really want? Do you love him that much? Are you willing to put up with his issues?

No man is altogether THERE - perfect - If you find one, tell me - I want that man! We all have our issues and ghosts to deal with. All it takes is the will and the heard to either deal with it apart or together. Now, you must understand also that you cannot change him. It has to come from him. He must have the initiative to "grow" and better himself. I advise for you to take a "cool off" time apart - temporarily, just to think things over. Agree on when to meet again and talk about your realizations about what you both want in life, where you are at emotionally, how you would be working things/issues through and why you are going through these things.

Relationships should be such that would help make a person better and better and not cloud the persons involved with more and more baggages that clutter their entire being.

Goodluck and take care of yourself first and foremost.

[caterpillar79]

I have a lot of misspelled words:

stick a proper balance - strike
Recomsider - Reconsider
the heard to either deal with it - heart

I would also add, if I may, that counseling for him is a must. I believe that for him to function better, it is important that he gets professional help ( I hope he is open about this). Having this kind of outlet would gear him with healthy thinking skills and coping mechanism that would in time, pay off.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Since i found the emails I have told him it is over and he has been very remourseful and knows he did wrong.

He has had a difficult upbringing, being abandoned by his mother at an early age and not being brought up in a stable environement

What you wrote here in my opinion is the answer to your question.

Your abandoning him by saying "It's over for good" .. Just like his Mother did, no communication, no working through the problem, just up and leave, seeya...

Then you bounce back after a few days and confuse the shirt out of him, whilst he trys to forget you (forget his Mother) all over again, but in the back of his mind, are you going to do it again and for good this time?

You need to NOT say "It's over for good", you need to say "Ok, I need time out, to think things through and then we'll talk about it".

Some people do in-deed need time, they can't right there, right then respond because it's with anger, so they need time away.

Sit him down and tell him that you will never say that again, you will never leave for good, rather, walk away and think it through as your personality doesn't allow you to respond immediately you need to think before you speak. Tell him that you also realise your faults and that communication is the key to a relationship....

He sounds like such an honest person. He tells you straight out why he reacts the way he does and if you think about it, can you blame him?

Imagine that feeling- abandonment.....

Snooping sucks... there is no trust... your basically saying I don't trust you, or you want one up on him, so you can let lose and tell him off.

Don't do it.. We interperate the wrong things usually, with what we see, when it's not like that at all...

But, more importantly again, a relationship needs Trust/Communication & Commitment.

Have a think about this seriously.

CW

[happy ending]

i totally agree with WC. his abdonement issues are a stick you can beat him with, please refrain. it is a power you can hold over him, but it would be better if you didnt. i hope you two work this out together.

[WildChild]

LOL I think it's CW you agree with and so do I.

[happy ending]

sorry yes its CW i agree with LOL my two favourite posters having very similar initials!