What did I do wrong

**caligirl71** · 10-02-2009 10:04 AM

My hubby and I have been married for almost 18 years and we are dealing with being in a long distance relationship because of a new job, and trying to sell our house etc.. Our marriage hasnt been easy, Its been a roller coaster. but this time apart had shown me that we were meant for each other. He feels the same he has been saying. He comes home once a month and it has been very hard on me being here with the kids etc.. so to get to the question..

Last night I called him and he was out to dinner by himself , sitting at a bar inside a resturant, I told him I could never go and eat by myself it would be wierd etc.. what does he get out of it etc. Just trying to understand.. he goes off on me says I dont trust him, says he was hungry that is it....
hangs up on me, we get into a big fight, and about a hour later when we speak he throws the D word at me, and says if I cant get these trust issues of mine worked out then he will leave me. I didnt think he was with a woman or looking for a woman... why did he get on the defensive so quick, now that makes me feel like he has something to hide!!!

What did I do that was so wrong???

**Miya** · 10-02-2009 10:27 AM

There definitely sounds like there's much more to it than what you said to him, escpecially since he got so defensive. Even if he wasn't with or looking for another woman there was obviously something on his mind to mention divorce at 18 years. Perhaps try to let things cool off maybe and see if the two of you can have a conversation.

There also sounds like there might be a lot of stress on both of you and stress can cause all kinds of additional issues.

I hope you can get things straightened out..

**Texinator** · 10-02-2009 10:39 AM

Sounds like the strain of being apart got to him. I think he was feeling lonely, especially eating by himself, and he overreacted to the questions and to the comment that it would be weird for you to eat by yourself.

When do you expect to be able to live together again?

You should probably have a talk with him and have each other express your feelings on how the distance is affecting you both.

Hope you can get things sorted out.

**OhThereYouAre** · 10-02-2009 11:56 AM

I think Tex is on to something.

There is something about eating/drinking alone that I find pathetic.

I'm sure he was feeling down about being away and alone and overreacted a bit.

Talk to him when you both have settled down.

Good luck.

**Kallygirlie** · 10-02-2009 12:14 PM

To me, I have to wonder if this is the first time this has happened? Have you been jealous in the past? For him to say something about you needed to get your jealousy issue under control, thats something that would be said if you have argued about this before. If this is completely something thats never happened before then something seems a bit fishy

He could have just felt like you making a random comment like that was trying to say you dont believe he would eat alone. Stress is prob playing a big roll in this.

I would def talk to him about it. Explain what you meant by it. Hopefully he will accept and understand that and you guys and work on being in a better place

**LanaBear** · 10-02-2009 12:58 PM

I think it is the stress, traveling, being away from family. It sucks.

Probably made him snappy.

He was eating, by himself, you made your comment about how you could never eat by yourself. Well, he doesn't really have a choice, right? He can't be home with you and the kids to eat. Whether it's alone in his hotel room or alone in a restaurant, it's alone.

He obviously took it wrong and that wasn't your intention. Let things cool down, let him know that you were not insinuating anything...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-02-2009 04:55 PM

I do think there is more to it that "your feelings" and "converstation" words can be spoken but also it's the tone in which it's spoken in.

Also, this can't be the first time he's defended or else he would have laughed at that comment perhaps, even stating ah it's not that bad, a man's got to eat.

The one thing that stands out to me is this:-

he was out to dinner by himself , sitting at a bar inside a resturant,

I'm gathering he didn't actually state that, rather it was dragged out of him.. If I was eating dinner, or about to, I would just tell my SO exactly that.

Did you hear music, laughter, people talking, ask him where he was, he said dinner, restaurant and so you said well I can hear, etc, etc, ... and eventually the bar bit came into it too?

Tone and also obstracting - can sound like "are you cheating".... and I'm tending to think that's more of the scenario that played out.

But, only you can explain that further..

CW

**WildChild** · 10-02-2009 11:49 PM

I just don't understand why you would question his eating out alone. What do you expect him to do? Live on pizza delivery? Make a bunch of freinds and go out with them? In all probabality he had decided that he deserved to get out and get a proper meal, few of us really like to eat alone, especially if we are missing our family. Then he gets questioned?

Talking divorce is a bit over the top but probably reflects his frustration with the separation. I think both owe each other an appology but you should take the first step.