Extremely confused, stress, no self-esteem

[AubreyNicole]

The way I view myself is completely different from the way that others do. In my family I am the only one who really made anything of themselves and am the only responsible one. I am very logical, methodical and a perfectionist and people look up to me or at least respect me.

However I think that I am such a perfectionist that I hold myself (and others) to unreasonably and unrealistic standards. I have the best boyfriend a girl could ask for yet I always find something to pick at him about. I have had acne for as long as I can remember. It's not HORRIBLE acne but it is not just a few here and there either, it's something I deal with everyday. I recently went to the dermatologist (my boyfriend feels its something I should have done long ago - he is right) and I am more than likely going to go on Accutane soon. I have read about this and know that a side affect can be depression, especially to those who have those tendencies, which I do. In order to be on Accutane you have to be on birth control. So I recently got on that as well. I dont think that birth control is good for me. It makes me more moody/emotional than normal. I cry randomly and sometimes for no apparent reason. I feel completely worthless and like everything is meaningless. These are actually not usual feelings for me but certainly heightened while on BC. I constantly have something causing something else. Acne causing me to take accutane causing me to take BC causing me to feel horrible 24/7 and the accutane may or may not cause me to feel even worse. I can hardly have sex without getting a UTI so I am always on antibiotics which make the BC not work. I feel like like its a vicious cycle and I cant escape. I also have a really weak immune system so I catch just about everything. Basically something is always wrong even if its minor and I just fed up with it. I have no time in my life so even the smallest thing is a huge distraction and I let it get to me. Big time. I just want to be normal.

I basically go through every day performing all the tasks I am supposed to with no joy whatsoever. I know for a fact that I am not living up to my potential. I can be so much more than I allow myself and I dont know what to do about it. My acne holds me back. I am obsessive about it to the point I sit on the certain side of a classroom or person based on what is on my face that day. I avoid eye contact. I am terrible in conversation and forget public speaking. My face turns red and even sometimes when people ask me a question to something I know the answers to like "what classes are you taking?", I can't think of the answer. I think my brain is just too busy. I am a full time engineering student, a part time employee and I run a household (with my boyfriend) with several animals - animals are my passion. The only place I like to be is home.

I have no self esteem whatsoever. I have no confidence in my work. I am bored at my job, although I shouldnt be. I love the people and its exactly in the field I am going to school for. I just feel like I'm not living. I always thought it was normal for a student, especially engineering because that almost requires no social life. But the truth is I dont have any friends because I am a terrible friend. I barely like anyone. It is very hard for me to be friends with people who are different from me in any way.

I could write forever but honestly I dont even know the real point to this. I just dont have anyone to talk to besides my boyfriend and i dont think he believes i am depressed. He is just not the type and I dont think he understands it. He just thinks I am dealing with a lot and it will pass once I am out of school but I have felt like this for like 8 years on and off, sometimes better than others.

I want to do something about myself and get my life back but I dont know how... I dont even know where to start...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think there are quite a few thoughts/issues here.

I am very logical, methodical and a perfectionist and people look up to me or at least respect me.

Perfectionist:- Something is wrong so you have to fix it but by doing that, you cause another problem to then fix and then by doing that, and so it goes on.

Accutane soon. I have read about this and know that a side affect can be depression,

Acne is a part of life, there are other things to consider that can clear it up, naturally, why take something that will give you depression?

Acne causing me to take accutane causing me to take BC causing me to feel horrible 24/7

Birth control is there for a reason not for acne... And, if it's a wrong dosage then you need to find one that works for you, to avoid pregnancy, not acne.

can hardly have sex without getting a UTI so I am always on antibiotics which make the BC not work.

UTI - then taking antibiotics, causes thrush for some people, which therefore, means you can't have sex, I'm not sure antibotics stop the process of BC, I have never had a problem.

I think your Doctor is just doing bandaids and you need to change Doctors, all those causes and effects are well, not necessary.

CW

[AubreyNicole]

Thank you, and yes I have had thrush. Odd that you say that. The lady I saw thought it was really odd that I had that. I think a big problem is that I go to the university "doctors" so it's almost never the same one. I don't have one general doctor.

And antibiotics dont make BC not work at all but do reduce their affects so back up methods are always used. As far as acne goes, I have tried so much. Even antibiotics which did nothing. The derm said if I have been dealing with it this long and it is causing scarring no "topical" solution is going to cure it. It's not positive Accutane will cause depression but if I know myself and I already feel this way, I think it will for me if it's possible.

Thanks for the response.

[prawnprincess]

I am in a similar position- I'm a go-getter perfectionist accomplishing great things, but often I am dissatisfied with where I am in life- especially considering all of the work that I am putting in. I don't have very many friends- my boyfriend is my best friend. While I've been expanding my hobbies and meeting new people, I don't think I will change much. I think the key is to accept how you are (lighten up on yourself) and try to make little changes to make yourself happier. Maybe pick one thing in your life to change and see how it goes. For example, start volunteering or stop doing something you don't like. I don't think anything or anyone else can "fix" things.

Acne is so frustrating! I recently talked to my doctor about acne medications. I hate the topical ones because they always sting and make my face red and dry! There is a pill you can take that is a low dose of antibiotics that is supposed to heal the acne from the inside before it shows up. I haven't tried it yet but I have a prescription. Unfortunately, it may decrease the effectiveness of birth control as well. Maybe you could quit the birth control that you are taking and use other methods since it seems so troublesome. On the other hand, you may get used to the birth control and maybe it won't be so bad.

[WildChild]

Why if you have concern over depression would you even consider taking something likely to make it worse?

[AubreyNicole]

thank you all. and to answer the last comment quickly... i know that acne is a huge source of my insecurity. I am taking a step, finally, to do something about it and it might be for a little while but it IS temporary and I am thinking about the long run and bettering myself.

PrawnPrincess. Thank you! I feel so good about knowing I am not alone. I dont know what I am going to do. I have new news. AS of two days ago my boyfriend of 3 years and BEST friend betrayed my trust. I am not making ANY excuses for him I really am not but we talked and out talk boiled down to he feels more like my "guardian" than a romantic partner to me. And I can see why. It has to do with all of these insecurities and of course I'm sure he feels overwhelmed and doesnt know what to do. He basically is saying to me that he loves me and cares about me but is not in love with me anymore. He wants to try to work it out but I dont think its possible to fall back in love with someone. at least not while living together. I feel lost. I know that I have cause him to feel this way an consequently ruined that one and only thing that I knew to be true and made him stop loving me. I knwo it is not attractive to be this way. And although he does everything is his power to help me (he really does, such a supporter), in the process he feels like he has become my keeper and the romance is gone.

I feel weak. I dont know how to stand on my own. And its horrible. I know I can do it, i just dont want to. I love him, he is my best friend.

[prawnprincess]

How's it going? First of all, you already know that you are amazing- you can and have accomplished whatever you set your mind to. BUT you are great even without all of your accomplishments. You sound like a sweet, smart, and caring person. Even if you quit school and your job and decided to become a saleswoman or a nanny or a cleaning lady you would still be the same great person. Like one psychologist says, even if you were naked and dropped in the middle of red China, that would be who you are- none of your credentials would matter, and I bet you would make friends and be having fun in no time.

So, I'm not sure if you and your boyfriend have broken up or not. It sounds like he really cares about you. Either way, your job is to untangle your bad feelings and decide what you want in your life (besides the boy). Be your own person and maybe do something you've always wanted to do like get some oil paints or take a dance class or enter your dog in a show or calculate pi (trying to think like an engineer here). Find one thing to add to your life that will make you a happier person on your own two feet. It sounds like it might be good for you to have a little time to be independent and work things out.

Whatever the situation with your boyfriend, it sounds like he'll stick by you at least as a friend while you figure out what you need to do to become more comfortable with yourself and appreciate life a little more. You never know, you might even draw him back, or meet someone new. Please keep us updated.

[prawnprincess]

PS: I forgot that your boyfriend betrayed your trust. I don't know what he did, but don't make excuses for him! That's not okay. If he betrayed your trust, then according to me, he sucks.

[AubreyNicole]

Wow, literally everything you just said is exactly right. And exactly what I have been thinking. All I am focused on right now is ME and I think that is is already starting to go noticed by my boyfriend. We are on the fence right now. I think we BOTH have things to work on with ourselves. It would be great if we could do those things together but only time will tell. As I said I am less focused on that and more focused on myself. I already feel a lot better today.

He told me he was just confused and really is in love with me. But the way I see it. If you are in love with someone you KNOW that, why would u question it and even go thru to saying it if you werent 100% sure. The boy has issues. But who am I to talk. We both have things to do. I'm just gonna worry about me and let whatever is supposed to happen with him, happen.

I will most definitely keep you posted though. I think letting things out has helped me significantly. I feel great today.