boyfriend doesn't turn me on

[Amber]

I'm in my 30's and I'm currently with my very first real boyfriend.

I had sex with a friend once or twice before but it was just sex and not that great at all. Nothing more than a kiss or two and then he started to play with me down below. When he did that, I would just become aggitated and after a bit, tell him to stop. I couldn't really relax. Why I did it, because I wanted to get some experience.

Now I'm with my first real boyfriend. We have been together for a few months now. My boyfriend is obviously experienced. He loves to kiss me and touch me. He says just kissing me on the lips turns him on. I wish I could say the same but I don't feel anything when he kisses me on the lips. I just do it because he wants to do it. I guess I have never felt anything when a guy has kissed me but then you know I have no real experience with that. My boyfriend can touch me in places and it does make me shiver, my arms or my legs. But when he plays with me down below, I tense up.

I have a feeling that if I didn't tense up, that maybe the feeling that his touching give me could feel pretty good. But I don't know how to relax. When I feel aggitated or anxious, I tell him to stop. I don't know how to just let him do it.

I already feel pretty odd that I'm so inexperienced at my age. I still haven't gotten up the courage to just let loose and kiss him all over, like he does to me. I know giving back to him is part of it but I'm afraid that what I may try may be stupid or I don't know. I guess I feel self-consious. I try the sexy underwear to give myself a little confidence. I figure try it like play acting. I feel desperate here.

Do most people get turned on by kissing on the lips and it is just me that does not? Is there any pointers someone could give me to relax or any advise you can give me at all is most welcomed.

I dont' want to give my boyfriend up just because the sex part is not going well so far. He is kind, sweet, funny, and mature. I have never found a guy like him before and I don't want to loose him. I'm just hoping it is my inexperience that is causing the problem.

[Amber]

I'm thinking that maybe that is not the right subject line, now that I look at it but I don't think there is a way to change it. Is there a way to change it?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

For me, kissing as far back as I can remember, gave me and gives me, goosebumps let alone my whole body wants to get into action so I don't know, unless you are still in "friendship" stages with guys and not really ready for a relationship.

However, you seem to feel that when he touches your legs, arms.. So, I think personally your just tensing up with anything to do with sex or that could lead to it.

I don't think it's abormal to not like him touching you down there, as you've never experienced anything down there to compare it to and feel... Maybe you need to start experimenting a little with yourself.

Up-most, you don't do anything your not ready for and don't want to to, if the boyfriend leaves because of this so be it.

He's probably going to fast for you, not all girls are the same, you need love from him the touching of the arms/legs more and as you get that and that only, you will feel those giddy feelings and want to kiss him I think.

Talk to him.

CW

[Amber]

Thanks for the advise CW.

Now that I really think about it, I think he is going too fast. He knows of my lack of experience. He has waited longer than most men wouid but now that we have started to become active, he doesn't think too much about going slow. We don't even go out somewhere anymore. He just takes me to his house and before I know it, he starts kissing me which obviously leads to the bedroom. I want to please him, so I let him. But knowing it is coming makes me feel anxious and a little nervous. He is obviously use to more experienced women. Who wouldn't at our ages. I know I need to talk to him but I'm a little bit afraid of what his reaction would be if I told him that his kissing doesn't turn me on. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm guessing saying that to him would.

It is pretty bad but he is going away tomorrow on a trip for a week. He made the plans before he met me. A part of me will miss him but another part of me is glad that I can have a week without ending up in bed with him. It may sound horrible but I can't help it. I know I need to talk to him.

[WildChild]

You need to talk with yourself too. Where is this fear of sex coming from? Have you been molested, had a bad experience? Were you raised with really negative messages about intimacy and sex?

Are your arms and legs shivering with fear or displaced arousal?
Do you masterbate?
Is there anything that gets you aroused at any level? Images? Movie scenes? Books?
Do you ever feel sexy?

Can you start working on intensifying your responses to sensory input? Feel the fabric against your skin, try wear only things that feel really smooth and good. Notice how everything you touch or that touches you feels. Drink in scents, plants you pass, the grass, leaves, food, smell each thing individually. Don't just eat, taste your food through smell first, pay attention to it's texture, how it feels in your mouth, savory and enjoy each bite. Listen to what is around you, the sound of your steps, the rustle of plants and leaves, birds, music, people, the turning of the pages in a book. Really see what is around you, the colors and variations, the detail and the big view. Spend time each day doing this.

Get some fresh fruits that you like and really indulge in scent, taste, feel, appearance. Go through your closet and pick out the most sensuous clothing you have and wear it. That means is feels good on your skin, is comfortable, you love the color and style. Put a flower in your hair. Buy yourself flowers, pick what appeals to your for color, shape and scent.

Ever see the movie, What the Bleep? The scene where she uses a blue eyeliner pencil to draw a lovely design of hearts and vines all over her body and then has a lovely soak in the bath? Do it. Touch your body. Long, gentle strokes, short light touches, firm, deep touching. Get a mirror and get to know your labia and all your womanhood. Get online and learn the correct names of all the parts of your most intimate parts. Start exploring your body and arousing your own senses.

You have to own your sexuality and sensuality before you can share it. And love yourself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thanks for the advise CW.

Now that I really think about it, I think he is going too fast. He knows of my lack of experience. He has waited longer than most men wouid but now that we have started to become active, he doesn't think too much about going slow. We don't even go out somewhere anymore. He just takes me to his house and before I know it, he starts kissing me which obviously leads to the bedroom. I want to please him, so I let him. But knowing it is coming makes me feel anxious and a little nervous. He is obviously use to more experienced women. Who wouldn't at our ages. I know I need to talk to him but I'm a little bit afraid of what his reaction would be if I told him that his kissing doesn't turn me on. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm guessing saying that to him would.

It is pretty bad but he is going away tomorrow on a trip for a week. He made the plans before he met me. A part of me will miss him but another part of me is glad that I can have a week without ending up in bed with him. It may sound horrible but I can't help it. I know I need to talk to him.

Apart from the good advice of WC, I have a couple of questions sweet, how long have you been seeing him for?

How old are you both?

See, a relationship built on love, you know, girlfriend/boyfriend, doesn't stop all of a sudden from the dating game and certainly doesn't lead straight to kissing you and into the bedroom everytime you see him.....

How many friends of his has have you met, his family? And, if you were to go out, where would that be?

I think he's moving way fast, way.... where's the romance? Courting? a flower? The movies? even a DVD with nothing other than cuddling?

CW

[Amber]

CW, I'm 35, he is 40. He has had only three relationships in his life and has gone to bed only with them. That is how he is. Well, we met this past May at a meetup event. We saw each other at a few different events but finally started to date in June. When we started to date, he was taking me out to eat, going to movies. Sometimes we would meet up with other people at a meetup, listening to music or something else. After a bit of going out with him, I told him that I wanted to wait. i figured the other friend, was just sex with a guy who had no feelings for me. I wanted the next time I did it with someone, that we had some feeling at least. He was fine with waiting and then I went away on vacation for two weeks in September and somehow, along the way, it had been understood that we would become active once I got back. Because something was going to happen while I was away, his ex-girlfriend was finally going to move out.

About the ex. After three years of a relationship with this woman who is ten years older than him, things went downhill for them. I guess she was too controlling and his parents hated her. But she didn't move out. They were both in a sort of a rut and they lived together as a platonic relationship for about ten years. That whole time he rarely had sex, except one or two times. When they had a big fight about a year and a half ago, he finally put down his foot and said he wanted her out. But he is not the kind of guy who will just kick her out. I think she dragged her heals at first and then she was having trouble finding a place where they would allow cats and a dog.

She finally moved out in September. He told me about her not long after we started to date. Assured me that they were now just platonic and she would be out soon. Since I already really liked him, I went along with it. I figured if she didn’t move out after a while, I would end it. By the beginning of August, we knew there was a place that she had a very good chance of getting. The owner was just leary about the dog but she finally agreed. She finally moved out the first weekend in September.

So we have been active since the middle of September, after I came back from vacation. It was the first time I finally saw his place. And every time we have been to his place, we have done it. It had been over a year and a half since he had sex last and I’m guessing he was starving for it. He has been having problems with his dog, who is old, and he had to stay home with her. So he would invite me over and instead of just watching a movie or something, he always leads it into the bedroom. Now he is on vacation. I can hope that when he gets back, he starts to take me out again, but I really don't know if it will happen or not. The ex wants to take care of the dog so he will not have any more excuses. We email back and forth practically every day and almost every thing he says leads one way or another back to sex.

He has met my parents and I’m suppose to meeting his parents once he gets back from the vacation. They haven’t had time before that. I haven’t met any of his friends but now that she is out, he says I will soon.

WC, wow! ☺ Most of the stuff you mentioned, I haven’t even thought to do but I guess I could always start trying some of it. I tried to experiment with myself in my private parts after I had sex with that friend but I couldn’t get any reaction out of myself. He could get me to feel at least agitated, I couldn’t get myself to feel anything at all. I’m guessing I wasn’t doing it right. I would just get discouraged about it and after a few times, I stopped trying. No, I never had any bad experiences. I never even considered experimenting with myself before that friend, afraid it would somehow take away from my first time. My first time, with that friend, turned out to be just this past April. And it wasn’t the best experience when all I felt was being agitated. He made it clear he didn’t want a relationship and I was ok with that. I just was dying to loose my virginity. I felt like I was the only person left on earth my age who hadn’t done it yet. Who knows if that is the case or not but that is how I felt. But after all that waiting to end with an experience like that, it was just such a big disappointment, We did it only three times and then I just knew I didn’t want it again. Just do let you know, my nipples are not sensitve at all. Figures!

When my boyfriend touches me, he lightly brushes his fingers over my arm or my legs and I flinch or just give into it, liking the feel of it. Maybe it is just me being tickalish all over my body but unless I touch myself that lightly, I don’t get that kind of shivering feeling. I don’t flinch if I just touch myself regularly. Displaced arousal, I don’t know what that is?

Sometimes reading a romance book, I have felt a little feeling down below but I don’t really now if I was really being aroused or not. Movies, no and the one or two times I looked at pictures like that, I don’t remember haven’t any feelings from it. I also probably didn’t look at it that long though.

Do I feel sexy.? Sometimes I will take a shower at night and will fool around in front of the mirror naked, just looking at myself and running my hands over my arms or pulling up my hair and posing or feeling my soft shoulder with my chin. Probably very mild for most people. Or once in a while when I put on something silky, I do like the feeling on my skin. But with him, I just feel nervous. Sort of afraid that I won’t feel much or knowing I feel nothing with the kissing of the lips that he loves doing so much. I’m thinking it is just the pressure of knowing he is feeling something and I’m not. I’m not able to relax. The actually kissing his lips part, I wonder if I will ever feel anything with that. He tells me he can get hard just by kissing me or touching me. I wish I was that sensitive. I guess it couldn’t hurt trying some of the stuff you mention, becoming more aware of my self and my surroundings. I never really ever thought of any of that before.

[Amber]

I just emailed him, telling him everything. Maybe it is the chicken way out but I know I could never had tell him everything in person. He is usually very understanding but I have no idea how he will react to this. I guess I will soon find out.

[WildChild]

Time will tell. Perhaps he would like to embark on your journey of discovery with you.

[Amber]

He emailed me telling me he wished I had told him sooner but he understands why I didn't. I asked if he was mad and he said no. But he said he hasn't said too much because he needs to ponder it. He said he is obviously not happy about it but knows I can't help it.

But I can't help wonder if he is one of those guys that thinks if you feel nothing when kissing, then that means there is no chemistry between us and we shouldn't be together. I came right out and asked him that tonight by email. No answer yet and I left a voice message to call me about an hour ago. He hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Are some guys actually like that? Will they really end a relationship for something like that. There is no way I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. He had better call me back!!