Help, I have PMDD and my husband left

[ladyvigile]

I was searching the internet looking for help when I came across this site. My husband and I have been married 17 years, have been together 20 and have know each other 25 years. We have 3 kids ages 19, 17 & 15. Three weeks ago we had a huge argument, curtosey of PMDD. I blew things way out of porportion. We talked the next day and he left. He stayed at his parents house for 2 weeks while they were out of town. Now he is rooming with a friend. I have spent the last 3 weeks crying, to depressed to do anything. I read an article that said if I wanted to work this out, to stop chasing him. I have done that and feel better. He told me that I need to take care of myself. He has also become very dependent on me to do a lot & he doesn't like that he became that way. Tonight he came over to fix the computer. I laid out my feelings and concerns and told him the ball was in his court. I would not call or text unless it was regarding the kids. If he wants to talk to me he can initiate the contact. His days off consist of him going out with his friends (married & unmarried friends). I am getting in touch with the couple of close friends so that I have someone to talk to.

Please if anyone has any suggestions or personal experience that helped you get through please let me know. I have discussed it with the kids and laid out my feelings to them. I really want to work this out with my husband, but I don't know how it's going to work out. I feel like my PMDD has ruined everything, I'm on meds and have been for a little over a week, but worried that it is too little too late.

[LanaBear]

I don't have any experience with that, but if you've been to the Dr and are currently taking meds, I would think that would show your husband that you are truly trying to take care of yourself and are really wanting to work things out.

Does he know you went to the Dr and are taking meds now? After you laid out the speech of you not contacting him, that he needs to make the contact, what was his reaction?

[ladyvigile]

He does know I went to the doctor and she put me back on the zoloft. I did this years ago, then went off the meds. Lately things have really gotten bad. He's glad I sought help, but I'm not sure it mattered to him. Tonights conversation I got a little mad so he was not happy when he left. I'm hoping if I give him room, he'll come to realize that we can work things out, but at the moment I'm not too optimistic.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You somehow have to curb this temper, and "insults"...

What's happened is that he realises he has always depended upon you and probably has had enough of ing and fighting. Because, he's realised he's dependent, he's not going to come home until he gains some in-dependence, in-case he needs to break for real, he needs to learn coping skills and he's realised this.

You fought.

Then, when he returned to assist, you gave him ultimatums.

Then, you had a conversation, and this too turned into a fight.

See the picture?

You do need to take time out and let the drugs kick in and calm yourself... You do need to also experience the independent life and how to fit back into this.

Over time, you both will be in-dependent and not needy and you will have calmed yourself and all of a sudden there will be the two people that initially met many years ago... from there you can start to develop something new, if you both feel that. At present, it's all "old" same old and become too difficult for either of you to handle.

Take time out for you....

Get out with those friends....

Put some colour in your hair, and put on some lip-stick...

If you want this man back, you can not afford to fight even once more.... You have to remind yourself this before the phone call comes, and you answer it, or before he walks through the door to do something for you..

And, you have to also gain in-dependence and self worth again....

Women suck in the department of all of this and menopause, it's so un-fair but only if your relationship was full of laughter, fun and excitement before can you have someone stand by you through it.

Not at all to be rude, but your life's before was mundane and you have to get a spark back into it.

Start with yourself.

Then work on the marriage again...

Let it all go for a few weeks and just work on you...

CW

[ladyvigile]

Thanks for the words and encouragement. I went to pick our boys up from a concert last night when I got a text. I figured it was one of them wondering how much longer before I got there. I was really surprised to see it was from him apolizing for how things were left when he walked out last night. He said he would call me tonight......Another hard part of this is he is a cop and works 2nd shift. He has to be there at 2:45 and works 10 hour shifts. Most of the time he doesn't get to leave until 2 a.m. or after.

I'm not going to chase him and will work on myself & the kids. It's really hard because I've always felt needed. He's gone, and our kids are old enough and have their own lives and don't seem to need me either. Last night I had so much anger I went on a cleaning spree and cleaned until midnight then left to pick the boys up. I've spent most of the day today cleaning and putting things in order. I've stopped crying, prayed a lot and plan on inviting a friend over to hang out tonight.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Cleaning can burn negative energy, you felt better after didn't you lol...

It's good that he rang and it's obvious his job is very stressful and tyring as well... this can also play a part in things, life sucks, hard work is all he does, and as I said, you tending to house, chores etc.

When ever you speak with him, change your tactic, act happy and carefree... He will start to miss you ...

It's also good your kids are grown, and definately more reason to get to know yourself again... Hope you do hang out with your friends tonight...

CW

[LanaBear]

I agree with CW (she's a smart one). As much as he needs to find himself, you do too.

I think it is a good sign he texted, he's thinking of you. But like CW said, make sure to remind yourself about no fighting when you two are communicating. Be positive, happy, etc.!

Good Luck!

[ladyvigile]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I did feel much better after I spent the weekend cleaning. We have talked over the weekend and didn't fight. I took the advice and colored my hair this weekend. I'm only 40 but the gray is coming quickly. I also plan on excising more. I have lost 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks, but am happy about it if I can tone up and regain some of the flexiblity I used to have. Also I am in the process of scheduling other medical appointments that I have put off for years, possibly to include a shrink. Just need someone to talk to about my feelings.

[LanaBear]

Good for you! You can have a life without him, you just need to find it. Get things done for yourself now, everything else will come in time.

Oh - Don't worry about the gray! I'm 32 and have been coloring my hair since I was about 17 BECAUSE of the gray. I'd love to be one of those women who can grow gray gracefully, but yeah, ain't happening here. I have the potential to look like a skunk.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's fantastic, it's all positive and that's the way you should be thinking.. Good for you.

I am actually blonde "shhhhhh" don't tell anyone.

I have been on a mission past two weeks and continuing, I walk to the shop instead of driving, I then walk the dog straight after and sometimes, then walk to get some pot plants all on the same day...

I refuse not to walk any day, I just go, get.

The difference in my legs, butt and calf muscles I can't explain, it's like over night they're toned and so I will continue.

Try it, just walk... it's good for your mind as well, allows you to actually see the beauty around you, breathe in the air and smile as your doing it....

CW