So Unsure

[gingersnaps2002]

Me and my fiance have been together 1 year and 4 months. We've had a lot of money problems lately and the past year itself has just been so chaotic and stressful. We both have had a few job changes, and are both currently unemployed. I had to quit my job to go back to college so that put even more stress on us. Stress added to irritations we have with each other and a couple months ago I suggested a break because we were having arguments all the time and my fiance said no, we needed to work them out together.
So time went on, we had a few arguments here and there and then 2 weeks ago while I'm in class he decides it's time for a break and practically arranges everything so he can go back to Massachusettes where he used to live when we met. He's staying about 2 weeks with some old friends/and ex boss. He said the break will do us good and we can figure out what we need to change to make it work. I have already told him what causes me to get mad/irritated.
1. He doesn't pitch in and help me enough in the house. Most days when he wasn't working and I had class, I had to come home to a nasty house and clean. I shouldn't have had to do that.
2. If I wanted him to do anything, such as burn trash, clean out the car(which was mostly from him) I had to ask him over and over and then maybe days later it would finally get done. He kept saying he would but then never did.
3. When I get mad I need to just walk away and be alone for a few minutes...he doesn't handle anger that way..he wants me to stay and talk about what makes me angry right then and I just get angrier. Even when I tell him what's making me angry he still stays right there and I can't just swallow my anger so when he forces me to stay there I get so violently ticked I end up throwing things at the wall...then he gets mad at me. He doesn't understand or accept that that is what I do to work it out..I just walk away to cool off then I go back and talk but he says I don't and he never has let me just walk away.

Now he's been gone 2 days, I'm in Arkansas, and it's just so hard. He's had to go back to Mass 2 other times and this third time isn't any easier on me. This time it seems like things are different and I can't explain it. When we talk on IM or the phone it just seems like something's off. He used to tell me he missed me every time, and he'd leave me offline messages. Now it seems like we only talk for a little bit and he always says bye in a hurry because he has to go do something. He might not even realize he's doing it and maybe I'm over thinking it but all I know is it makes me feel like he doesn't really want to talk and I never know when I'll hear from him so I stay close to the computer at night to talk to him. That is the high point of my day but when 8 comes and still no sign, I get agitated because it feels like he doesn't think it's important to talk to me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's good that you accept your anger and therefore, try to walk from it to calm down before discussing.

He needs to understand that you are two completely different people in that regard and there is nothing wrong with that, in-fact it's a good key to a successful relationship if both parties understand each other's actions and reactions... he needs to respect that.

You however, need to ascertain where this anger is coming from?

I remember at 17, I smashed dishes and then ran outside because my boyfriend at the time would be simular, and it would just manifest... I worked out my anger stemmed from my Mother and once I let all of that go, I've never had an angry bone really in my body since.

With regards to pure "laziness" that's all it is. Again, your allowing this "anger" to manifest...

Leave the car... if he doesn't do it, eventually he will.

He probably had a Mum who did everything for him, again you need to not get "angry" and tell him off, rather, you need to write your emotions down and state, something triggers me, things make me angry, I am going to establish what that is, however, some of my points are very valid. I can't go to school, work, or whatever and come home and spend another 2hrs cleaning... We have to share responsibilites so that there's no stress in our lives. This you have to understand to assist the relationship.

At this point everything I think has manafested you are two different people and you probably would be better off with someone who didn't mind helping and understood that you need to walk away, but I am sure that somethings you do, urks the heck out of him as well.. Two way street, two sides to every story.

CW

[WildChild]

When he leaves clothes laying around pick them up and put them in the freeezer. That will put a chill on his laziness.

[gingersnaps2002]

lol wildchild there's a thought My anger comes from him just not helping. I feel like he never ever listens to me because I have told him repeatedly how I feel and it does no good. I have wrote down what I feel and it does no good.

[OhThereYouAre]

I'd ask him what his thoughts were.

Why the distance....and why the changed attitude?

Sounds like he's ready to move on.

Find out what his intentions are - and go from there.

My guess is that he's trying to move on with his life, but is too selfish (and scared) to let you go before he finds someone/something else.

Good luck.

[gingersnaps2002]

Thanks everyone.
We had a long talk over the phone, with neither of us getting angry or upset. Instead of him cutting in and me stopping, I told him to just be quiet and let me talk. And he did. I got everything out in the open, off my chest. I told him exactly how I felt and why and explained again as simply as I could WHY I deal with anger the way I do and we came to a workable compromise...when I get ticked and need to walka way, he can walk with me as long as he doesn't try to make me talk before I'm ready and he doesn't try to stop me from walking away...that way I'm not walkinga way from HIM but I'm still able to have some space and he'll be right there when I cool off to talk about it right then. He said he could do that.
He said the reason he doesn't talk to me several times a day is because for him, that make sit even harder to be away from me. I told him that when we only talk 5 minutes, that isn't enough for me and I feel worse than before talking to him. We just deal with things differently, so I accept that I'll probably only hear from him once or twice a day but we talk more during those times and we are both ok with that.
I told him how I felt ignored and he apologized. I told him I was even starting to think jhis feelings had changed but he assured me he still loves me as much as he did when he proposed if not more. And Donna, his old friend he's staying with(Donna is older, married with kids, she's like a mom to him and he stayed with them a year before we met) said she knows he loves me very much, that he never has anything bad to say about me and he was talking about the wedding up there and he was even checking into some jewelry stores there. So obviously nothing has changed and after our talk I am sure that now we won't argue as much because we're working on compromising and understanding our differences and I am no longer hesitant in letting him know how I feel. That was a big issue too for reasons I don't understand, but it's better now.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Then you've succeeded in having a "Healthy" relationship, because compromise and communications are the main ingredients to a successful relationship.

Well done in the way in which you handled it.

I have to say I was very impressed that you "compromised" and stated that he could walk with you whilst you calmed down...

Think how your sex life will be too now whoo hoo Only joking, or am I?

CW

[gingersnaps2002]

Chandlers Wish, well the compromise of him being able to walk with me just dawned on me while we were talking. I first suggested he just let me walka way, cool off and then I'll talk about it later but he pointe dout that he had tried that a couple times before and after I had cooled off I always just said I didn't want to talk about it...so I thought a good compromise would be me walking away from the source of my anger and he could follow and walk with me then he'd be right there when I was ready to talk. He asked me what if he's the source of my anger and I said that he could still walk with me as long as he didn't try to talk, make me stop walking, or try to direct me where to go. Basically he just has to keep quiet until I cool off and he said ok.
I was also thinking about the way we have compromised on other things and it works when we compromise fairly. For example, he loves to listen to just one station of classic country in the car when we go somewhere. I'd rather listen to rock or pop or new country...so we compromised. On the way to wherever we're going he gets to listen to it and on the ride back I get to pick the station and neither of us can complain about the choice of music. And I know it drives him nuts for me to surf through the channels so I try to just pick one and leave it.
With the housework it'll be a bit trickier but I know with him, he's like a dog almost. He desires, or needs, to know when he's done a good job and he says one of the things that bugs him is he feels like I don't appreciate it when he does do something in the house but I do. I always tell him the house looks nice but I guess he needs more praise than that so I'll do a better job of letting him know I DO appreciate coming home to a tidy house. I think a surprise blowjob a time or two after he cleans without being asked will be enough positive reinforcement to keep him picking up after himself. I do hate nagging at him, because he is a grown man and I feel like he shouldn't have to be told. If something needs put away, he should just put it away but I guess that's how men are different. Our house is small and easy to clean too, it'd only take like 20 minutes to clean if we worked together.
Before we talked I felt like things were iffy, like he was distant, and now after we talked it has changed so much. Things are as great as ever and before the talk if something bothered me I'd let it go. I wouldn't mention it and it would keep festering. Now I am not afraid to let him know something bothers me or irritates me and he's such an awesome guy because he'll listen and he'll apologize and see how he messed up. He also has ADHD and that contributes a little bit to him not staying on task lol.
Our sex life has always been great but he'll be gone for another 2 weeks probably and when he gets abck we'll have a lot of catching up to do =)

[kms]

yay see how communication can completely change things? It can be scary being completely and totally honest, knowing the other person might not like to hear it and knowing that something negative might happen as a result.... but it often can go the other way too. At least things are completely clear and in the open.

Looks like you covered it, but after reading your first post I was going to suggest doing as much positive reinforcement as possible. Clearly he doesn't respond to negative reinforcement (nagging, getting mad, criticizing, etc.), but he may feel encouraged when he sees that you notice the good things he does, and he'll want to keep doing them to get that side of you. Just like a dog, as you said lol. Just think about yourself for a minute - would you rather be constantly reminded of what you do wrong or have neglected to do, or would you like to be praised and complimented for what you have done? Also, he may feel that if he 'gives in' and does what you've been nagging him to do, that he's giving up and giving you all the power and being like an obedient kid obeying his mom. He may prefer to do something from his own will, not from someone else's. So also maybe try to make it sound like it was his idea instead of you just telling him what to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Before we talked I felt like things were iffy, like he was distant, and now after we talked it has changed so much. Things are as great as ever and before the talk if something bothered me I'd let it go. I wouldn't mention it and it would keep festering. Now I am not afraid to let him know something bothers me or irritates me and he's such an awesome guy because he'll listen and he'll apologize and see how he messed up.

That's great and it truly is the work of a successful relationship, just remember though that "you need to apologize as well" it is never one sided, you will mes up too okay... x

CW