Future Mother in law issue...

[marmar86]

Hey guys, I need some input and help. Me and my fiance are getting married dec 12. We have a 7 month old son, and have been living together for 3 years. As far as the wedding plans are concerned, me and my fiance have planned everything ourselves. My parents wanted to pay for the catering, which was excellent, so we let my mom call around to find herself the best deal. She ended up calling the restaurant which I was employed at for 3 years, and technically am still at (Im on maternity). They dont cater, but they wanted to do something great for me, so they offered a spectacular menu for a really cheap price. This also included a midnight snack, and a total cleaning crew and servers. We were so happy with the deal they were able to provide for us. We have also invited the owner of the restaurant as well as the manager to attend our wedding. Recently, my fiance went to his parents to ask if they were able to assist in any financial help with the wedding. They said of course, and asked what my parents were paying for. He told them they were paying for the catering, and let them know who was doing it. Right there, his mom lost it. She used to work for them 10 years ago and they were rude to her. She said that it was an insult to her that we would even invite them, let alone ask them to cater. This alone I though was selfish of her since this restaurant has been so nice to me, and even threw me a private baby shower when I had my son. I couldnt imagine not inviting them to my wedding when they have been so good to us. My fiance told her it was the best deal, and it was already in place. Then, this past sunday we had thanksgiving dinner at his sisters house(She lives a couple houses down from his parents). After dinner, his dad came up to him, and told him that he had to come to their house for a bit, and the 3 of them left...I knew that they were taking him away so they could convince him to uninvite the people from the restaurant. That night, when we got home, he told me his mom said she wouldnt come to the wedding if the people from the restaurant went. I thought this was so selfish because she was putting her hatred for the restaurant over the love for her son. My fiance is so stressed out because he also thinks she is being immature, but he has a really great relationship with her, and would never want to hurt her. This day is supposed to be happy and one of the best days of our lives, and she is making it so complicated and stressful. I think if she wants us to change the caterer, then she would have to pay whatever the difference is. and I am NOT okay with uninviting these people who have been so good to me. I dont want to cause a rift between us, but I feel so sick thinking about having to do something like that.
Also, the fact that they took him away to talk about the issue made me feel like they didnt respect me enough to include me. Also, she said some other hurtful things to me the first time it came up, and then again to my fiance when they took him to the house. He of course stood up for me, but it makes me not want to include her in anything at all. I need some advice...should my fiance tell her that she is overreacting and that its not her wedding? Should I just get over it? Should I wait for her to apologize? Am I overreacting?
sorry this is so long

[OhThereYouAre]

She's being completely unreasonable.

10 years is a long time and most importantly, the wedding is about you two, not her.

Tell her you don't need her money, and it's her own choice if she chooses not to attend her son's wedding.

Your fiance should back you 100%.

Unbelievable the way some "adults" will act.

[Karma3]

I agree, this is not your mother-in-law to be's weddding.
She is totally unreasonable if she expects you or your fiance to make total jerks of yourselves to uninvite the people of the restaurant who have been so good to you because she had some issue 10 years ago. If this women loves her son, she would not be putting her son through this BS. Giving her son altimatum's about something so petty is absolutely ridiculous. I'm sure there will be lots of other family members at the wedding that she will be involved with that she won't even notice the two people from the restaurant. However, with unreasonable people like this, she will likely only concentrate on these two people who will be there.
Your fiance needs to buck up and sit his mom and dad down and explain to them that they are making a bigger deal of this than it is.
If they won't budge, then that will be THEIR choice not to attend your wedding. Can you imagine his parents trying to explain to family and friends as to why they didn't attend? Everyone would seriously think they were crazy.
Don't let them talk you into doing anything that you don't want to do. In the end, if your fiance doesn't want the restaurant people attending because of his mother, then it should be HIM that tells them, not you. Don't be doing anybody's dirty work for them.

[Loveshoes]

How utterly sad! I feel so bad for you both that someone would give you an ultimatum on the biggest day of your lives. And this certainly is no way to start a marriage. This day is about you two and your love for one another. I have to agree with OTYA and Karma, don't give in and don't let anyone decide what is best for you both and your day. You will regret it if you do. And if you give in to his mother now, you both will be doing that for the rest of her life! Stick to what you believe, stick to what you have decided and what you feel is the right thing for both of you.

Best of luck, may your joys be many, your blessings unsurpassed, and your trials be few!

[Miya]

OTYA hit it direct, the wedding it about the two of you and not her. Your hubby2b needs to back you completely (if he really feels she is being immature about it). There are ways of putting it gently so she might not get too put out as well. In the end though it's YOUR day, she's already had her chance. Do what's best for the two of you so you remember it forever as something special and beautiful.

[marmar86]

Thank you guys! I thought that she was the one being completely irrational, but I had to make sure. Its completely unfair that she is putting so much negativity and stress on our relationship. My fiance just went over there to tell her that we wont budge...so we will see how it goes. I would like an apology from her, but I doubt that will ever come...Thanks for your input. Its really nice to have someone to tell you how it is without being biased towards you or his mom.

[OhThereYouAre]

I would like an apology from her, but I doubt that will ever come...

It won't. Think about it, though. In the grand scheme of things, what does an apology really accomplish? Focus on the positives...you're getting married.

[LanaBear]

I agree with everyone else. It is YOUR wedding, for the TWO of you.

If she really has thoughts of not attending, watching her son get married, because of some things she is not happy about, then so be it. She's being petty, let her sulk on her own.

One thing that a lot of couples seem to forget when planning the wedding, the day is actually for the two of you. We get so caught up on planning this and that, what everyone else wants on that day that it quickly gets forgotten that this day is for you and should be special.

Don't worry about what will make everyone else happy or what everyone else wants done that day. Do what makes the two of you happy. Everyone else can just deal.

[Miya]

The more I think and hear about weddings the happier I am that my DH and I had a small religious wedding in Japan, then a civil wedding later when I came to the US. Very little cost both ways and everyone attending had a wonderful time.

[kygirl]

Nothing exceptional to add except I agree with everyone else. This is YOUR wedding. I know parents get involved and seem to think they are going to have it be THEIR wedding, but they are not paying for the catering. I would try to talk to her and just tell her (or have your fiance do it since this is HIS mother) that they have been good to you. Regardless of how she was treated forever ago, this is your wedding.

She isn't going to miss her child's wedding over a caterer. and if she does, then she should be ashamed of herself!