My boyfriend's sister

[eleanorwinslow]

My boyfriend is very close to his sister.

They tell each other absolutely everything. He even told her when he was having sex with this girl he didn't like.

I really don't know how to describe their relationship, and maybe i am overreacting (as my own brother and friends have told me) but they do have a very complex relationship I can't understand.

He strongly admires for her personality and even her looks. The other day i saw he had posted his sister on Facebook say "sup baby?". I found it weird he called her baby. He also said to her "you are as beautiful as when u were 10, shiny teeth and cute face."

When a younger brother tells u ur so beautiful is it merely brotherly love or somethin more.

He occassionally tells me i am beautiful too i guess. He really knows all her intimate details. He even told me he used to steal her bra when they were young to annoy her.

I understand that as kids this might have just been due to their immaturity and innocence. He must have been 13 by the time. But the thing is, his sister is only one year older than him.

I don't think that he is in love with her or something, but sometimes i get the sense that they have a kind of flirtatious relationship.

Him and his sister call each other 'mah baby'. i always thought that i was the only one he called 'mah baby'. I know my own brother would rather die than call me baby or say i am beautiful, although we still love each other.

Maybe because he is from India and in India brotherly-sisterly love is celebrated. He listens to her a lot, i mean as she is in India and he is here, they were talking on the phon once and as soon as she told him she wanted to speak tto me he shoved the phone in my ear, not even asking if i wanted to speak to her, as i have never met or spoken to her before. i mean, i was very shy and nervouse, but he jsut think as his sister said without thinking.

I don't understand why he is so extremely fond of his sister that to me it seems a bit disturbing.

Maybe I'm stressing too much over this suspicion. I really don't understand.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The fact that you stated that he calls you also 'mah baby', and that he practically shoved the phone to you when he was speaking to her, to me means they have a different up-bringing than you do and share their "openess" without secrets which really is how relationships are mean't to be.

Be it with your bestest friend.
Your sister.
Your lover.

It's a good trait.

I would put it down to the different way you were bought up to the way that he was bought up and that your thought pattern is therefore, purely based on that.

CW

[eleanorwinslow]

I know his upbringing was definitely different to ours. Him and his sister were also only children. But i don't like how he didn't ask me before making me speak to his sister only because his sister said so. I've seen my girlfriends with their little brothers as well, they are close but they don't say mushy things like 'mah baby' or 'u r beautfiul' all the time. The fact that we are brothers and sisters means we know each other and therefore don't even need to say these things, unless we really need to. But i guess it could also be because he hasn't seen her for nearly 2 years and misses her a lot.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There would be a bond with those two... Only siblings, wanting approval, it's not necessary an un-healthy love for each other but be careful that it doesn't interfere with your relationship, with "her" guiding him as to what is good for him and what isn't, that's the difference.

And yes sweet it can.

How old are they? you?

If there was anything "un-toward", it in my opinion, insest? You would be blocked totally from his life, she will treat you bad not befriend you, she would try to break it up.

That may be the only suggestion I can give you seeing as you seem to be worried, just watch for those signs.

CW

[eleanorwinslow]

Im 19 and my bf's 20. Well i don'tknow exactly how much he tells her. He tells me that he did used to tell her everything, from head to toe, but since meeting me he's switched to telling me everything. But he does ask her for advice a lot, as though she is so much more wise than him altho she's only 1 yr older. he told her about me before telling his mum. It's as though he has to confirm with her first before he decides whether he should tell anything to his mum about me. I told my mum about this and she said that it might be ok as he is alone here in australia and feels like he needs a second opinion from someone in his family. I thought he would be sure enough since he loves me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Things take time, you guys are young...it's not unusual until you both have been together for along time and at that stage, he will only rely on you, I think your Mum's right...

Timing is everything

CW

[eleanorwinslow]

I guess so. thanks heaps fo ur advice! =D

[Miya]

My bff is Indian and she and her brother talk like that to each other too so it's nothing to worry about. She and I even call each other baby though I admit when she first said it I wasn't sure what she meant...then I heard her saying it to her sisters and brother.

It's just a different cultural thing I believe. There are members here on WH who are Indian nationals or have that heritage so perhaps they could explain better.

[OhThereYouAre]

Traditionally, eastern cultures have put a rather large emphasis on family. More so I'd say than American culture.

In the U.S. grandma goes batty and gets tossed in the nursing home. That isn't nearly as common elsewhere.

In addition, in the East, there is also an even bigger emphasis on respecting your elders. You did say the sister was his elder, correct?

You should be happy that he is able to respect his sister so much. I'd be willing to be he shares a similar relationship with his mother, and probably has a great amount of respect for his father.

This is nothing to worry about.

[ThexMrs]

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend of four years and I are planning on getting married next year. We both get along with each other's families. The problem is my boyfriend's relationship with his only sibling, a sister. Several times, he's called me by her name. At the last family dinner, he was playing footsies with her under the table. It creeps me out how they interact, but my boyfriend is also very sensitive. If I were to bring this up, he'd be upset and think I don't like his sister, which he's accused me of in the past. I do distance myself from her because I don't like being with the two of them due to their behavior. She is married to her one and only boyfriend. My boyfriend knows very private things about her, the kind I would never discuss with my brother. Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal for siblings to be that close?

—Creeped Out

Dear Creeped,

It's certainly normal for siblings in mythology. Greeks Zeus and Hera and Egyptians Osiris and Isis were siblings and spouses, and Norse brother and sister Sigmund and Signy were lovers. For a modern twist, the wonderful Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides, tells what comes of the marriage of an immigrant brother and sister who settle in Detroit. Let's just say a moral of these tales is that things rarely turn out well for sibling couples. I will set aside the possibility that you are the one with a problem and resent the fact that your fiance and his sister seem to have an unusually close bond. Because, unless he is a podiatrist and has an unorthodox method of examination, it's hard to think of a reasonable excuse for discovering these two are playing footsie. Given this, and the fact that the entire tenor of their relationship makes you deeply uneasy, you must say something to your fiance. Of course, there's no good way to ask if your fiance is cheating on you with his sister, so you might as well take the opening he provided and say, "Sigmund, last time we were visiting your family, I saw you and Signy rubbing feet under the table. It made me really uncomfortable, and we need to talk about it." Too bad if he's the sensitive sort—if he's touchy because he and his sister have a physically, or even emotionally, incestuous relationship, this is something you need to clarify before you walk down the aisle (or run screaming into the night). When you take a look at the sibling romance literature, you will find betrayal, murder, and madness are common occurrences. If your fiance and his sister are violating that taboo, you would be wise to avoid living your own version of these tales.