The Past--How do I stop letting it control me?

[kygirl]

I've dated someone pretty consistently since I was about 16. I'm 28 now. Up until about 3 years ago, I was quite the romantic. After a series of men who started off seeming very into me then dumped me (many by saying that they just weren't ready for a relationship) I got a bit standoffish. Fast forward to now...

I am dating a sweet guy. Things are progressing (somewhat slowly because we are both busy people). He is still a man (aren't they all ) but he doesn't do any of the things that have really hurt me over the last few years. The problem is that I still keep waiting for him to let me down. I feel like I don't know how to enjoy it anymore. I told myself that after I got past the first few months that my hesitation would go away but I feel like I can't help but overanalyze it all.

I have such an amazing time when I am with him. We are in similar places in our lives, we have great conversation, great sex, and seem to understand and respect each other. But I just don't know how much longer I'm gonna last always being on edge. He's done nothing to show me that he's trying to leave me, but I can't help but freak out. Part of me just wants to come out and see what his thoughts are on where we are. I know where we are though so I feel like I can't start constantly asking for reassurance when he is such a good guy already... (especially since I feel like confidence is very important and generally all in your head anyway )

Thoughts?

[AloneNtheCrowd]

You are not alone, but the fact you have recognized this a good thing! I wish I knew exactly what to tell you to do, my GF seems to be having some of the same issues... But I'm sure someone here has some great insight! The thing that has kept me free from past pain haunting me is the attitude I have taken. I look at it like, "It bound to go wrong sooner or later so screw it I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the ride"...well something like that lol! But my point was it is just letting go and excepting the possibility of bad things- even expect it, and not being afraid of them. Eventually I let go completely without the "it's bound to happen" thoughts necessary. Is any of this making sense lol?

[OhThereYouAre]

Instead of waiting for him to fug up, take note of how happy you are when he does something you like.

I'm not sure why a few failed relationships would give you a distaste for men?

Do you know how many rejections most men go through just to land ONE date?

[WildChild]

When you've put your heart into something, it can really hurt to get it handed back. You have to remember than men are people too and sometimes do some really short sighted, hurtful things - as do women. You Have to give each person who comes into your life a fresh page and see what they will write, don't blot it out before they even start.

[kygirl]

Instead of waiting for him to fug up, take note of how happy you are when he does something you like.

I'm not sure why a few failed relationships would give you a distaste for men?

Do you know how many rejections most men go through just to land ONE date?

I don't know that I'd say a few really I've had about 4 long relationships (over a year, longest 2 1/2 years) and then over the past year and a half, I've dated 4 guys for about 2-3 months and then also went on dates with about 4 other guys. (leading up to the current situation).

I don't have a distaste for men, trust me, if I did I'd just be single I just don't get what goes off in their heads that they suddenly don't like me "like that" . I'm okay with people deciding we should just be friends, but I feel like it gets dragged out a lot of times which is frustrating because I'd rather move on than be mislead.

[Miya]

It's a difficult thing to let go of, the hurt from past relationships. I know as it's happened to me too (though I think it was easier since sex was never involved) Anyway. As WC said people often unintentionally do thoughtless things that cause someone else pain (both men and women). I've rejected guys who asked me out before and felt really bad when I did because they really seemed hurt when I said no. They have a tough time at things too. We just usually wait to be asked.

Despite what's happened in your past though it's not fair to him or you to carry this baggage into your relationship. Always wondering when the shoe will fall will cause the event to occur or cause you to blow something else out of proportion.

Try to focus on the good things and your happiness with him (as OTYA said) and let go of the other junk. He's not the guy(s) who hurt you before and if you thought so you'd probably not be with him, right?

[GlitterAndStuds]

I also agree with just enjoying how happy you are with him. BELIEVE me, I used to be the same way after getting burned a whole slew of times. It happens to all of us, I'm sure. We reach out, we get bit. One thing I've learned though, is to not take it out on the person you're currently seeing, especially if it's someone who treats you well.

Until I met my current SO, I felt like I had a 3 month curse because that would always be when I got screwed. Right after that. So when we hit that I started to get a little freaked out, which sounds silly, but I did. That was a long time ago and I just got over it after realizing how great my relationship is. It doesn't sound like there's any reason not to trust him. And negative thoughts do come back to us. If you wait for the other shoe to drop, it probably will.

[kygirl]

Until I met my current SO, I felt like I had a 3 month curse because that would always be when I got screwed. Right after that. So when we hit that I started to get a little freaked out, which sounds silly, but I did. That was a long time ago and I just got over it after realizing how great my relationship is. It doesn't sound like there's any reason not to trust him. And negative thoughts do come back to us. If you wait for the other shoe to drop, it probably will.

That does not sound stupid AT ALL! That is basically how I feel. The past few guys I dated started getting weird around 2ish to 2 1/2 months then it was over by 3. I was really freaked out a couple weeks ago when 3 months got close. Even though, I have never gotten the same feelings of him trying to get rid of me like I did with the other guys. I think intuition is invaluable sometimes if you start feeling that way.

I am doing my best to not be negative and to not think he's going to do what other guys did. I have definitely gotten a little better because in the beginning it was very hard for me. I never told him that, but I would really get concerned. Glad to know I'm not the only person that ever felt like they had a 3 month curse

[OhThereYouAre]

I don't have a distaste for men, trust me, if I did I'd just be single I just don't get what goes off in their heads that they suddenly don't like me "like that" . I'm okay with people deciding we should just be friends, but I feel like it gets dragged out a lot of times which is frustrating because I'd rather move on than be mislead.

That's good to hear. Everyone is entitled to their happiness. If these guys weren't happy in the relationship, they have the choice to get out. Just as you do.

Think back on your relationships. Do any common themes stand out? Any common sources of frustration for either party? This would be helpful in identifying things going forward.

Anything that you did that more than a couple of them didn't like? Sometimes, you gotta take a step back and look at you when you are consistently met with opposition.

[kygirl]

Think back on your relationships. Do any common themes stand out? Any common sources of frustration for either party? This would be helpful in identifying things going forward.

Anything that you did that more than a couple of them didn't like? Sometimes, you gotta take a step back and look at you when you are consistently met with opposition.

I have asked. I mean, I am actually friends with a few of the guys. Ironically after it all went down I realized it was probably the for the best but they all insist that I'm a great girl and that they are either just 1) not ready for a relationship or 2) just don't really like me that way. I don't know if they try to date me because I am so great and think they should like me and really don't or what. I know I've felt the same way after a few dates with someone people where you hope for a spark or think maybe you just don't know them well enough yet.

(Disclaimer: I don't mean I'm great like they'll never find anything better. I just tend to be very laid back and have a lot of guy friends generally because I like sports, being active, sex... the typical guy stuff I guess. I think I worry sometimes that might be it's own issue because I dont' want to be *too* much like one of his friends)

I also do think in the past I have tried to date people who I liked as people but perhaps didn't really have enough in common with. One guy was very set in his ways and just wasn't willing to give. I think that is one thing that has been very positive about the current dating situation. He is busy as well in cycles and he understands that I am busy. He also is around a lot of people who are in the profession I will be entering so he understands the time commitment.

He really is the first guy in a long time that I feel like I can talk with, want to be with physically or not, and feel that fits well into my life. I believe in the past I have tried to fit too much into a life that wouldn't make me happy. That definitely makes me more concerned this time I think. I got past the "is he gonna drop me after 3 months" and now the reality of "I could actually fall for this guy" is setting in. I haven't had to even think about that in a long time.