Having "the talk" (guys and girls, please)

**Texinator** · 10-15-2009 09:38 AM

Right. It's not like there is a relationship map with a 'You Are Here' spot, way points through which you have to pass, and an end goal you have to achieve. Some people get too hung up on a relationship having to have a neat little plan with objectives and metrics and all that.

All that matters is that you enjoy each others company.

**prawnprincess** · 10-15-2009 03:55 PM

A while after I'd been dating my current boyfriend, we hadn't had the talk, but he told a story about a girlfriend he'd had when he was younger. He made fun of the fact that after they'd been dating for a few weeks she had the talk with him and asked him if they were going out. He'd thought it was so stupid because of course they had been going out. As a side note, he'd been seeing her exclusively and he's the kind of guy who wouldn't date more than one girl at a time. But it's hard to tell at first what kind of guy you're dealing with ex: one who dates more than one at a time. I didn't really know our status in the relationship until he told me that story, and then I think I asked him some clarification questions and he confirmed that we were a couple. My point is, I think guys often oversimplify things, and we can't read their minds! If you're wondering about your status, I think it'd be worth it to find out just to know where you stand. The guy probably just thinks it's obvious anyway.

**GlitterAndStuds** · 10-16-2009 05:12 AM

I have to agree with Prawnprincess on this one, it's probably a lot simpler than it sounds. Us girls try to over analyze everything to the point where we're stressing way more than we should be.

My SO and I never had a talk, technically... haha. We consider our anniversary to be the night we met because we were inseparable from there. Right after he took me on our first official "date" he was being cute and asked "So are we dating now?" and I was thinking.... well, yeah. I hadn't thought about it much because we were enjoying each other so much. If you guys are enjoying yourselves then don't worry about a title so much. When you think about it, that's all it really is. And if you know he isn't dating anybody else, at least it's a relief to know that

**Texinator** · 10-16-2009 08:59 AM

I don't think there are many guys that give much thought to the transition between casual dating and being exclusive. It's exclusive for them latest by the third or fourth date.

Some of us, myself included, are exclusive right from the first date. If I date a woman, I date only that woman and nobody else. Then again I also don't go after strangers or casual acquaintances but prefer to date people that I've gotten to know a bit better.

The guys that still want to juggle multiple women 20 dates into a relationship are the kind to do it behind your back. Then you don't need to worry about 'the talk' either but about kicking him to the curb. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is like that though.

**kygirl** · 10-16-2009 09:06 AM

Originally Posted by Tex

The guys that still want to juggle multiple women 20 dates into a relationship are the kind to do it behind your back. Then you don't need to worry about 'the talk' either but about kicking him to the curb. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is like that though.

lol Thanks Tex, yes, that was never the concern. The concern I think was more about the fact that I've dated guys who apparently knew that our relationship was never going to make it past a point because of their feelings, differences, etc and didn't care to mention this to me until I asked about the "state of the union" if you will.

That being said, I think I knew that before and maybe that was why I felt the need to ask. Maybe that was my way of ending it. I just seem to get a lot of pressure from gal pals about "what exactly we are". And I guess ultimately, if someone acts like we're together and treats me well, that goes further to me than someone just saying it...

**Texinator** · 10-16-2009 09:17 AM

Sounds like you have a good instinct for figuring out where a relationship is anyway.

Why are your gal pals so interested in this? They're not the ones in the relationship.

**kygirl** · 10-16-2009 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by Tex

Why are your gal pals so interested in this? They're not the ones in the relationship.

Tex, I think it has a lot to do with what they've seen me go through in the past with some of these guys.

I know they just feel like things have to be done a certain way. It's mainly my 1) roommie who has been single for over a year and is distrusting of most men anyway. and 2) one of my good friends who has been with her husband for almost 8 years and never has had a serious relationship outside of high school.

I think they are just worried. And then that makes me in turn start to worry when I was fine before. It's a vicious cycle

**WildChild** · 10-16-2009 10:17 AM

Kygirl
It's good to have concerned, caring friends but they have their experiences and expectations and you have yours. What is right for you may well not be what they feel is right for them. Many of my freinds think the relationship I am in is odd to say the least, but it works for us in ways they don't understand because we share a different kind of awareness about life. You have to do what works for you, that means knowing what you want for the life you want to live. You don't get there by plugging into someone else's pattern (although you can learn from observing their mistakes).

**kms** · 10-18-2009 12:04 AM

It sounds like you have a pretty balanced, independently-minded and non-needy view of relationships. I was amused when you stated you'd been together 3.5 months and didn't feel the need to define it so quickly.... I have a couple of relatives who were married at 3 months!! (engaged at 3 weeks lol). They're both still with their partners and have kids and seem to be doing fine.... but to each his (or her) own, I guess.

**kygirl** · 10-19-2009 07:15 AM

Originally Posted by kms

It sounds like you have a pretty balanced, independently-minded and non-needy view of relationships. I was amused when you stated you'd been together 3.5 months and didn't feel the need to define it so quickly.... I have a couple of relatives who were married at 3 months!! (engaged at 3 weeks lol). They're both still with their partners and have kids and seem to be doing fine.... but to each his (or her) own, I guess.

KMS-
I would like to be a bit more needy

But I work a fulltime job and I'm in law school parttime so a LOT of my day is devoted to that. I spend about 45 hours at work, 10 hours at school and another 15-20 hours a week studying for classes. I can't be mroe needy because I don't have the time to dedicate if someone else was that needy. I would love to be settled, but my life is just not going to allow it for another couple of years. So more than anything, I need someone who understands and who is happy being with me and treating me well without expecting too much.

Although, regardless, I'm much too practical to marry anyone in 3 months but to each their own as you said