My Fiance has problems staying hard during sex.

**SoInLoveWithHim** · 10-15-2009 12:02 PM

Hi everyone I am new to this and looking for help. I am hoping to find some answers and hear some suggestions.

I am 28 and my fiance is 30. We are experiencing some trouble int he bedroom and I am not too sure what to do. We are very in love and attracted to to each other, we try to have sex at least once a day. If he can get hard which he usually can he is not able to stay hard the whole time. We do not use condoms as we have been together for some time now and are monogamous. Usually what happens is that we have some foreplay exchange in oral etc. When it comes time for intercourse he is ready and sometimes hard, more often than not though he is a little bit hard. We try anyways and hope for the best, after a little while I suggest we change it up to see if it works better. My favourite way is for me to be on top but we have trouble with it staying inside me usually the best way is for him to get behind me and do it that way. Lately though even when we do that he can't stay hard, so then I try giving him oral to help it out. It has not been helping and it is so frustrating for both of us, I know he gets quite upset with himself and I reassure him that it is ok. I don't know if he believes me though, I mean I am doing the best I can to be understanding but it is hard for me too. I wonder if it is something that I have done? Am I not turning him on enough? Am I not tight enough? (I have had a child but it was a C-Section) He says that it is none of the above but I still cannot help but wonder. I just don't know what we can do to solve the problem, I suggested that he go see a doctor but you know men and doctors

He wonders if there are certain foods he can eat that will help and I figured I would try to come online for some support. We are so in love but sex is a big part of what we want in our relationship, the other areas are great and I guess you cannot have it all but we want to try. I just don't want this problem to last forever, we couldn't handle it. I know he is really torn up over it as well and he calls himself useless and says I am going to leave him over it, which I would never do. I hate to see him like this and I want to have a good sex life again. Oh and we have been together since 2006 but in 2008 I moved away to help my mother who is in poor health, he stayed and continued working. We have been together again now since the summer. I am hoping that someone will have some suggestions to help us out. I am really looking forward to hearing from people, female and male.

Thank You

**Miya** · 10-15-2009 12:25 PM

SiLwH,

Firstly welcome to WH. I'm sorry to hear about your problems.

I'm wondering since he can't stay hard with you whether or not he can while masturbating and whether he can orgasm that way? I don't know if you've asked him about that or not.

The guys on the site may have more insight into this but is he eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, any extra stress as of late. If he's concerned about it he should really see a physician to make sure there's nothing going on hormonally that could be causing it?

Input guys??

**OhThereYouAre** · 10-15-2009 12:36 PM

First things first - this *probably* has *nothing* to do with you.

However-

We need a lot more information before we can start exploring:

Has this been going on since you met? Or is this a new thing? If it's a new thing how long has it been going on? And can you think of anything new that happened when this situation began that may have spurred it.

Also, for both of you -

Physical condition/activity level/orgasmic or no (both of you)/diet/smokers?/drinkers?/stress levels/blood pressure.....that seems to be enough.

Let's get a handle on that and we can go from there.

Fwiw - Her on top is the position that is hardest for men to maintain an erection for extended periods. That damm gravity!

**OhThereYouAre** · 10-15-2009 12:37 PM

Oh - and are you privy to his masturbation habits?....can't believe I forgot that.

**rcoreyus** · 10-15-2009 01:59 PM

Stress and worry can make the problem much worse. I'd suggest finding other sexual things to do for a while - he has fingers tongue, toes, and you can buy toys. Play, have fun, when he stops worrying about it the problem may get better all by itself.

Also, I don't know who initiates sex, but if you try having sex when he happens to be in the mood that might help as well.

**SoInLoveWithHim** · 10-15-2009 02:52 PM

Hi guys thanks for replying to my post

Okay so he is in good physical shape, I am a bit chubby

but he loves me that way

We are fairly active (we walk our dogs together), blood pressure is normal, he doesnt always orgasm naturally when he is having erection problems but I always do. Boy it's like 20 questions haha just kidding I know that in order to help you need some background info and once again I really ap[preciate the help. Um what else ok we both are moderate smokers 1 pack lasts us both about a day or day and a half, we don't drink very often, diet is fairly healthy could use more vegeatbles and fruit but it is not awful. He does not masturbate at all now that we are back together, he says why bother I've got you (I literally just asked him LOL) We are both a bit stressed about money as of late and the problem well it happened on occasion before but not as frequently as it does now. I am usually the one who initiates sex although he is always in the mood, he always wants me. Okay I think i've answered most of it LOL if not just ask me anything else.

Thanks So Much!

**WildChild** · 10-15-2009 03:45 PM

How long has this been a problem?
He should get in for a full physical. He's well within the prime age group for testicular cancer - better safe than sorry. Contrary to popular belief it doesn't necessarily cause the testicles to look or feel any different. There could be other contributing health issues. Walking dogs isn't that much exersize unless you are doing several miles of it and the smoking could be a factor.
Start with a well man check up and then look at what else may be going on?

**Miya** · 10-16-2009 04:54 AM

Smoking (even a little) and the stress could be contributing factors. It would really be best for him to have a full checkup just to make sure there's nothing going on physically. Have you tried like a long sensual massage or bath together before you start...something really relaxing (but not so much so you both fall asleep...of course waking up super horny and just doing it right then can be fun too)

jr · 10-16-2009 05:55 AM

STRESS, STRESS, STRESS (at work, at home, within oneself) is a big contributor. The way the economy is, his employer might be, etc. and the fact that he's a wonderful guy (and doesn't want to upset the woman he loves) he's probably keeping the stress that he feels inside and may not be sharing. This can lead to the problem you describe.

SLEEP is the next biggy.... Is he/are you getting enough sleep (like 7 - 9 hours per night). If NOT, try ELIMINATING caffeine from his diet. Same for refined sugar and HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup).

INCREASE his/your water intake and stay hydrated. 90% of Americans don't drink enough water. Take your body weight, divide by two and that's how much water (approx.) our bodies need everyday. Yeah, yeah, I know....there's no way you can consume that much water. You can if you introduce it today. The goal, EVERYDAY, is to have your urine nearly clear.....

You'd be amazed how much help the three items listed above will be. I'd say forget about diet for now, except pop/soda, refined sugar and HFCS (reduce or eliminate those).

If all else fails, he may consider seeing a urologist, but I bet he/you can 'solve' this on your own.

**OhThereYouAre** · 10-16-2009 05:59 AM

Yep - full physical....ask for a blood test as well, it's not too expensive and can help check other things besides his hormone levels....cholesterol, etc, etc. Since he is always in the mood, I doubt his testosterone levels are low, but who knows.

I also agree in these areas-

Money stress.....yep that could a contributing factor. Men put enormous value on their earning power.

Smoking - even a little bit of smoking can do it. It robs your blood of oxygen and thins it. Blood flow is the cause of an erection.

I'd urge you gently probe the masturbation thing...let him know that this could be part of the issue....not pointing any fingers, but that is a rather large contributing factor for a man not being able to perform.

Lastly - time. Maybe put off sex for a week or so. Sometimes ED can cause a negative feedback loop where the man expects that he won't be able to perform and as a result he can't. Try and forget about it and pick up later on where you left off.

On a positive note, I am glad that he appears to be attentive to your needs.

Best of luck to you both.